It's a 🐦... It's a ✈... It's... a donkey that saves Xmas?
GUESS THE QUOTE! "Commence operation VAC-U-SUC!" (answer at bottom)
what's in theaters
Why do so many superheroes have "man" or "woman" in their title? Why can't they just be.
Guess we get it though, cuz how scared is some evil doer gonna be if someone says "You know brah, you better stop, cuz BAT is coming for you!"
Hell, Wonder Woman's name just becomes confusing without it. "Wonder"- is that like a declarative or a question??
And grandaddy of them all Superman... I mean, "Super?" What, am I talking about my landlord or a guy who can save me, my baby AND all the rest of the people on a train hanging off a cliff at just the right moment.
That's probably enough rambling for now.
REMINDER: please share with any and all who you think might be interested in this.
Let's get to...
this weekend
Justice League
aka "that movie where Khal Drogo gets shirtless again!" to straight women everywhere
WHAT'S THE DEAL
It's another superhero movie.
......?
Fine, let's just say this one carries more baggage than a kid who believed Santa was real until we were... ahem, THEY were 25.
Baggage #1: Not everyone loved the previous film Batman v Superman and its "wait, is there a movie on the screen?" level of darkness both in tone and color palette. However, the brighter, funnier, more optimistic and just better Wonder Woman helped the franchise a ton.
Baggage #2: Ben Affleck
Baggage #3: the movie had two directors after Zac Snyder had to step away for personal reasons and Joss Whedon (Avengers director) took over.
Baggage #4: Ben Affleck
As for the story, it picks up with Superman dead (pffffttt) and Batman and Wonder Woman gathering partners - Aquaman (water power!) - the Flash (super speed!) - Cyborg (computers!) - to help stop the biggest evil of all (until the next one), named Steppenwolf <--you think we are fucking with you, we are not fucking with you.
RATING PG-13
TRAILER(S) Latest Trailer - First Trailer (least spoilery)
SHOWTIMES & TICKETS Google Showtimes - Fandango
REVIEWS seem to indicate it's like a soft pudding that leaves you full, but maybe not satisfied? The NY Times had some fun in their review headline, saying "'Justice League,' Better Than the Last One!" (but apparently not by a ton). Side note: Rotten Tomatoes is holding their aggregation until tomorrow morning, so no score yet.
ARE WE GONNA GO? Likely, but mostly for Wonder Woman.
MAKE PLANS W/ FRIENDS
Wonder
aka "what, I wasn't crying... "
WHAT'S THE DEAL
It's based on the popular novel of the same name which tells the story of a boy with facial differences who's going to school for the first time. Feel for ya kiddo.
The little guy from Room stars, along with Julia Roberts and Owen Wilson as his parents. You can guarantee "heartwarming" will be used in abundance to describe this film.
THE RATING: PG
TRAILER(S) Most Recent Trailer
SHOWTIMES & TICKETS Google Showtimes - Fandango
REVIEWS are like a 1997 Toyota Corolla with 250K+ miles on it, solid. Lookin at 76% on Rotten Tomatoes with most reviews using some combo of "heart-strings" or "feel good" in their assessments.
ARE WE GONNA GO? Nah, not our bag. But nothin wrong with going to see a movie that reminds us ALL humans aren't awful.
MAKE PLANS W/ FRIENDS
The Star
aka "That reminder that Christians like movies too" to Hollywood execs
WHAT'S THE DEAL To be honest, it's a fairly blatant, but seemingly inoffensive, cash grab by Sony to latch onto the "faith based" trend that's knocked out a few hits over the past decade.
This go round is an animated yarn that tells the story of Jesus' nativity, except the heroes and central characters are animals who "save" Christmas. *daydreaming* If only animals COULD save humans from humans...
Lots of known names in the voice cast (e.g. Oprah) and seems to have pretty standard animated tropes - beyond the religious aspect.
THE RATING PG
TRAILER(S) Most Recent Trailer
SHOWTIMES & TICKETS Google Showtimes - Fandango
REVIEWS are not out yet. But if this is your thing, it's probably your thing.
ARE WE GONNA GO? If the alternative was being gagged with a rusty spoon for two hours we'd probably go - key word here is probably.
MAKE PLANS W/ FRIENDS
Roman J. Israel, Esq.
aka "that movie that is not the artist previously known as Puff Daddy's new moniker"
WHAT'S THE DEAL
The next film from Dan Gilroy, director of the excellent and unnerving Nightcrawler (Jake Gyllenhaal as news cameraman creeper). Starring Denzel Washington who plays an idealistic, but awkward lawyer whose world is turned upside down when his boss dies and he changes firms - moral quandaries abound. Also stars Colin Farrell.
THE RATING PG-13
TRAILER(S) Most Recent Trailer
SHOWTIMES & TICKETS Google Showtimes - Fandango
REVIEWS are mentioning a great Denzel performance, per usual, but maybe not overall greatness. Sitting at 52% recommended on RT.
ARE WE GONNA GO? Honestly, we're still confused by the trailer (so, no).
NOTE: NY/LA this weekend and nationwide next weekend.
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ALREADY IN THEATERS (last weekend's box office)
Thor: Ragnarok ($56.6 mill)
Funny Thor!
93% RT - Trailer - Showtimes - Fandango
Daddy's Home 2 ($30.1 mill) NEW
Four daddies! Not two.
16% RT - Trailer - Showtimes - Fandango
Murder on the Orient Express ($28.2 mill) NEW
Six mommies! Doin bad things! (not like that)
58% RT - Trailer - Showtimes - Fandango
A Bad Moms Christmas ($11.6 mill)
Six mommies! Doin bad things! (not like that)
28% RT - Trailer - Showtimes - Fandango
Jigsaw ($3.5 mill)
Saw VIII.. 8? Eight.
32% RT - Trailer - Showtimes - Fandango
Tyler Perry's Boo 2! ($2.1 mill)
Madea back in action
6% RT - Trailer - Showtimes - Fandango
Geostorm ($1.6 mill)
Big scale disaster movie where weather is killer
15% RT - Trailer - Showtimes - Fandango
Blade Runner 2049 ($1.5 mill)
Sequel to sci-fi classic /w Ryan Gosling & Harrison Ford
88% RT - Trailer - Showtimes - Fandango
Happy Death Day ($1.4 mill)
= Groundhog Day + Scream
69% RT - Trailer - Showtimes - Fandango
Lady Bird ($1.3 mill) NEW
Miles Teller in story about war's impact on soldiers
100% RT - Trailer - Showtimes - Fandango
next weekend
Coco
aka "I'm in love with the..." to O.T. Genasis
WHAT'S THE DEAL
It's the new Pixar movie. For some (including us), that's enough.
Story is about a boy, Miguel, who defies his family by becoming a musician and ends up in the Land of the Dead. Looks like lots of "visual splendor" in this one.
If you're an adult and going without children, we're not advocating getting high and going to see this movie, but were not NOT advocating that...
TRAILER(S) Most Recent Trailer
MAKE (EARLY) PLANS W/ FRIENDS
Darkest Hour
aka "That hour after you shoulda been asleep three hours ago." to all of us at some point in our lives
WHAT'S THE DEAL
Gary Oldman (Commissioner Gordon in Dark Knight trilogy) dons the makeup and apparently kills it as Winston Churchill holdin' down England in its stand against them hated Nazis.
TRAILER(S) Most Recent Trailer
MAKE (EARLY) PLANS W/ FRIENDS
The Man Who Invented Christmas
aka "Uh, GOD" to Christians
aka "Uh, me" to some Pagan dude
WHAT'S THE DEAL
The story of Charles Dickens and his invention of Mr. Bah Humbug himself, Mr. Scrooge - and Tiny Tim too! Dan Stevens (the Beast from Beauty and the Beast) stars as Dickens in this part comedy, part drama.
We can't wait for the sequel, The Man Who Invented the Real Christmas. It'll be a heartwarming story of how we came to cherish boatloads of consumerism, family infighting and six weeks of "where's the nearest razor so I can slit my wrists?" music. Juuuust kidding (kinda).
TRAILER(S) Most Recent Trailer
MAKE (EARLY) PLANS W/ FRIENDS
New Trailers!
THE SHAPE OF WATER Dec 1, 2017: Guillermo Del Toro's (Pan's Labrynth) new movie where a mute cleaner connects with a scaled "creature" in a government lab. Early word is very positive on this one.
THE GREATEST SHOWMAN Dec 20, 2017: Second trailer - Hugh Jackman, Zach Efron and Michelle Williams in musical about the creation of the circus as we know it (knew it?).
GAME NIGHT March 2, 2018: Jason Bateman and Rachel McAdams host a game night that's supposed to be a murder mystery party, but !!!! it turns into a REAL murder mystery party.
HOSTILES Jan 19, 2018: Not about you and your siblings. Christian Bale and Rosamund Pike (Gone Girl) in western about US Calvary office who begrudgingly escorts a Cheyenne war chief back to his family.
DEADPOOL 2 June 1, 2018: SkullpoopL makes his triumphant(?) return. This "trailer" is just as offbeat as you'd expect it to be, giving a hard nod to TV painter Bob Ross.