What's In Theaters: Phallic Loving Animals 🍆🐰, And the Next Fifty Shades Movie.
CAN YOU GUESS THE QUOTE?
(answer @ end of email)
"All this for a loaf of bread?"
If you like trailers, boy is this your week.
However, if you don't like action movie trailers, boy is this not your week.
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Fifty Shades Freed
AKA
"thank christ, someone finally said the safe word"
AKA
"don't miss the clim...ZZZZZZZ ... *cough* blargh, sorry, what'd we miss?
G... JK, R / 2 hrs
WHAT'S THE DEAL
You know what it is.
It's the bottom spanking, tie wrapping, whip cracking series that inspired a puritanical country to try and get a little freakier.
If only the movies hadn't put said nation to sleep before they could.
We kid (kinda).
The last in the BDSM inspired stories sees the newly married Grey's having their pasts haunt them.
This one is apparently a bit more of a "thriller" than the others, for what that's worth.
FUN FACT(S)
The Fifty Shades books started as fanfiction of Twilight. For real.
REVIEWS
Only a few so far, but so far, no good.
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 8%
(13 Reviews)
ARE WE GONNA GO?
We like to get hot and bothered by our movies that contain sex, not cold and untroubled.
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Peter Rabbit
AKA
" Because Fft Fft Fft Fft Fft is a terrible movie title* "
PG / 1 hr 40 mins
WHAT'S THE DEAL
Based on the book you know you read as a kid, but aren't quiiite sure what the hell the story is about (just us?) and turned into a life action / animated combo.
It wouldn't be a Hollywood movie if they didn't add some metaphorical jazz hands, or is it spirit fingers?
Regardless, Peter fights Mr. McGregor for carrots and lettuce, as in the book, but ALSO for the affection of a lovely young lass.
.....?
Ew, not like that.
James Corden is the very pop culture aware Peter Rabbit and Rose Byrne (Neighbors) and Domhnall Gleeson (everything) play the humanoids.
FUN FACT(S)
The Tale of Peter Rabbit is one of the best selling books of all time with 45 million sold. It is 56 pages long. Talk about an effort/reward ratio.
* "say" Fft fft fft fft in the mirror and you'll (hopefully) get it.
REVIEWS
Seems to be splitting critics with a bend towards "eh, why not" - especially if you have kids to occupy.
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 62%
(29 Reviews)
ARE WE GONNA GO?
Ah jeez sorry, we're against animal cruelty so no.
....
So what if the animals are CG, we hold to our principals.
The 15:17 To Paris
AKA
"That movie everyone is worried is based on
those stupid f#ckin math problems dedicated to train travel times"
PG-13 / 2 hrs
WHAT'S THE DEAL
The next in what almost seems like a series of real life stories put to film by Clint Eastwood (his last two movies were Sully and American Sniper).
This one is follows three American soldiers who stopped a terrorist attack on a train (uh, to Paris) with a bit of "how they got there" backstory thrown in. It'd be all pretty expected and straightforward for an Eastwood movie.
Except...
The people from the events star as themselves in the movie. This hasn't really been done before.
Good marketing angle. But good marketing doesn't always translate to good movie...
FUN FACT(S)
Clint Eastwood is 87.
Clint Eastwood could probably kick your ass and our asses. At the same time. While eating a sandwich. With mayo on it.
REVIEWS
Only a few as we write this, but what's there highlights a bit of blasé feeling around this one.
Although it has one support in A.O. Scott from the NY Times who liked it, saying "it is concerned with locating the precise boundary between the banal and the extraordinary, between routine and violence, between complacency and courage."
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 13%
(8 Reviews)
ARE WE GONNA GO?
Look, we don't wanna be downers with three nopes in a row buuuut... nope.
LAST WEEKEND'S TOP MOVIES
(Weekend / Domestic Total - $ = Millions)
1) Jumanji: Welcome to... ($10.9 / $353)
"Reimagining," players go into video game
76% RT - Trailer - Showtimes
2) Maze Runner: Death Cure ($10.5 / $40)
Conclusion to post apocalyptic YA series
43% RT - Trailer - Showtimes
3) Winchester ($9.3) NEW
Ghosts killed by guns kill gun makers
12% RT - Trailer - Showtimes
4) The Greatest Showman ($7.7 / $137)
Hugh Jackman as circus showman (musical)
55% RT - Trailer - Showtimes
5) The Post ($5.2 / $67)
Streep, Hanks, Spielberg - Wash Post v Gov
88% RT - Trailer - Showtimes
6) Hostiles ($5.1 / $21)
Christian Bale western where
he escorts American Indian chief
72% RT - Trailer - Showtimes
7) 12 Strong ($4.7 / $37)
Thor takes on the taliban (well, sorta)
54% RT - Trailer - Showtimes
8) Den of Thieves ($4.6 / $36)
Cops & Robbers with a huge budget
40% RT - Trailer - Showtimes
9) The Shape of Water ($4.4 / $45)
Mute woman falls in love with "creature"
92% RT - Trailer - Showtimes
10) Paddington 2 ($3.3 / $36)
Adorable bear is back for more marmalade
100% RT - Trailer - Showtimes
Black Panther
AKA
"Not just another Marvel movie"
WHAT'S THE DEAL
OK, technically it IS another Marvel movie, but you know what we mean.
Similar to how Wonder Woman was an event due to its lead and all that it carried with her, this bears more cultural weight than Thor's hammer (yes nerds, we know it's not that heavy, just that he's the only one who can carry it).
The cast of Black Panther is nearly entirely black (Chadwick Boseman, Michael B Jordan, Lupita Nyong'o & many more), which is a first for a movie of this budget, size etc.
Aaand it's set almost entirely in Africa, albeit a fictional African country of Wakanda, but still.
People are even creating funds for kids to go see the movie (initially started for Harlem youth), and $260,000 has been raised.
So yeah, it's a big deal.
But like... is it any good tho?
Yup, it's apparently good, like really good.
Oh, and if you're concerned all this "importance" means it'll be too heavy or heady, don't be. You'll get all the action and shirtless hotties you want.
Early Man
AKA
"What your friends say when you ask when you should start planning for "
WHAT'S THE DEAL
You know those stop motion movies made with clay? Yeah like Wallace and Gromit and Chicken Run.
Well they made this one too.
And instead of mute dogs and uncannily inventive chickens, they're taking on man, and women. So, like humans at large, but before flushing toilets, way before (did they use leaves? hmmmm).
If you're familiar with these types of movies, you know there will be lots of dry british humor, large teeth and lots of sweetness mixed in. If not, whelp, now you know.
FUN FACT(S)
Each second of a stop motion movie takes 3 bajillion hours to shoot. We may be off by a bajillion or three.
DISOBEDIENCE - April 27, 2018
Rachel Weisz and Rachel McAdams play two friends who secretly want to be more, but they've been raised in an Orthodox Jewish structure.
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LIFE OF THE PARTY - May 11, 2018
Melissa McCarthy pulls a Rodney Dangerfield and goes back to school, with her daughter (who's stoked, natch).
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DEADPOOL 2 - May 18, 2018
Second teaser. SkullpoopL gets introduced to Cable, his new gun buddy.
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SOLO: A STAR WARS STORY - May 25, 2018
The scruffy looking nerf herder gets his own origin story. We're dubious, but hopeful.
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JURASSIC WORLD: FALLEN KINGDOM
June 22, 2018
Dinosaurs. People running from dinosaurs. Again.
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SKYSCRAPER - July 6, 2018
Yes, this is in fact a second movie starring The Rock about tall buildings being destroyed. This one does NOT have giant wolfs and gorillas (that's Rampage).
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MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE - FALLOUT
July 27, 2018
Mr. Ethan Hunt is on the, ahem, hunt again for more baddies. Come for the rad stunts, stay for the rad stunts.
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