What's In Theaters: An 🍆 Loving Animal, and Peter Rabbit.

CAN YOU GUESS THE QUOTE?
(answer @ end of email)

"All this for a loaf of bread?"

If you like trailers, boy is this your week.

However, if you don't like action movie trailers, boy is this not your week.

Getting cutoff? Go here and click "the most recent edition."

Fifty Shades Freed

AKA
"thank christ, someone finally said the safe word"

G... JK, R / 2 hrs

WHAT'S THE DEAL 

You know what it is.

It's the bottom spanking, tie wrapping, whip cracking series that inspired a puritanical country to try and get a little freakier.

If only the movies hadn't put said nation to sleep before they could.

We kid (kinda).

The last in the BDSM inspired stories sees the newly married Grey's having their pasts haunt them.

This one is apparently a bit more of a "thriller" than the others, for what that's worth.

FUN FACT(S)

The Fifty Shades books started as fanfiction of Twilight. For real.

REVIEWS

Only a few so far, but so far, not so good.

Rotten Tomatoes Score: 8%
(13 Reviews)

ARE WE GONNA GO?
 

We heard watching these movies gives viewers bad sex for a year. Then again, maybe the person who told us that is just really bad at sex. Hmmmm.

Regardless, not a chance.

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Peter Rabbit

AKA
"Because Fft Fft Fft Fft Fft is a terrible movie title"

PG / 1 hr 40 mins

WHAT'S THE DEAL 

Based on the book you know you read as a kid, but aren't quiiite sure what the hell the story is (just us?), turned into a life action / animated combo.

It wouldn't be a Hollywood movie if they didn't dip their metaphorical jazz hands (or is it spirit fingers?) in the sauce.

Regardless, Peter fights Mr. McGregor for carrots and lettuce, as in the book, but ALSO for the affection of a lovely young lass. 

.....?

Ew, not like that.

James Corden is the very pop culture aware Peter Rabbit and Rose Byrne (Neighbors) and Domhnall Gleeson (everything) play the humanoids.

FUN FACT(S)

The Tale of Peter Rabbit is one of the best selling books of all time with 45 million sold.  It is 56 pages long. Talk about an effort/reward ratio.

*watch yourself say "fft fft fft fft" in the mirror and you'll get the AKA.

REVIEWS

Seems to be splitting critics with a bend towards "eh, why not" - especially if you have kids to occupy.

Rotten Tomatoes Score: 62%
(29 Reviews)

ARE WE GONNA GO?
 

Ah jeez sorry, we're against animal cruelty so no.

....

So what if the animals are CG? We stick to our principals.

The 15:17 To Paris

AKA
"That movie everyone is worried is based on
those stupid f#ckin math problems dedicated to train travel times"

PG-13 / 2 hrs

WHAT'S THE DEAL 

The next in what almost seems like a series of real life stories put to film by Clint Eastwood (his last two movies were Sully and American Sniper).

This one is follows three American soldiers who stopped a terrorist attack on a train (uh, to Paris) with a bit of "how they got there" backstory added in. It'd be all pretty expected and straightforward for an Eastwood movie. 

Except... 

The people from the events star as themselves in the movie; this hasn't really been done before. 

Good marketing angle.

But good marketing doesn't always translate to good movie...

FUN FACT(S)

Clint Eastwood is 87.

Clint Eastwood could probably kick your ass and our asses. At the same time. While eating a sandwich. With mayo on it. 

REVIEWS

Only a few as we write this, but what's there highlights a bit of blasé feeling around this one.

Although it has one supporter in A.O. Scott from the NY Times who liked it, saying "it is concerned with locating the precise boundary between the banal and the extraordinary, between routine and violence, between complacency and courage."

Rotten Tomatoes Score: 13%
(8 Reviews)

ARE WE GONNA GO?
 

Look, we don't wanna be downers with three nopes in a row buuuut... nope.

LAST WEEKEND'S TOP MOVIES
(Weekend / Domestic Total - $ = Millions)

1) Jumanji: Welcome to... ($10.9 / $353)
"Reimagining," players go into video game
 76% RT -  Trailer - Showtimes 

2) Maze Runner: Death Cure ($10.5 / $40)
Conclusion to post apocalyptic YA series
 43% RT -  Trailer - Showtimes 

3) Winchester ($9.3) NEW
Ghosts killed by guns kill gun makers
 12% RT -  Trailer - Showtimes 

4) The Greatest Showman ($7.7 / $137)
Hugh Jackman as circus showman (musical)
55% RT - Trailer - Showtimes 

5) The Post ($5.2 / $67)
Streep, Hanks, Spielberg - Wash Post v Gov
 88% RT -  Trailer - Showtimes 
 

6) Hostiles ($5.1 / $21)
Christian Bale western where
he escorts American Indian chief
 72% RT -  Trailer - Showtimes 

7) 12 Strong ($4.7 / $37)
Thor takes on the taliban (well, sorta)
 54% RT -  Trailer - Showtimes 

8) Den of Thieves ($4.6 / $36)
Cops & Robbers with a huge budget 
 40% RT -  Trailer - Showtimes 

9) The Shape of Water ($4.4 / $45) 
Mute woman falls in love with "creature"
92% RT - Trailer - Showtimes 

10) Paddington 2 ($3.3 / $36)
Adorable bear is back for more marmalade
100% RT - Trailer - Showtimes 
 

Black Panther

AKA
"Not just another Marvel movie"
 

WHAT'S THE DEAL 

OK, technically it IS another Marvel movie, but you know what we mean. 

Similar to how Wonder Woman was an event due to its lead and all that she carried with her, this bears more cultural weight than Thor's hammer (yes nerds, we know it's not that heavy, it's just that he's the only one who can carry it).

The cast of Black Panther is nearly entirely black (Chadwick Boseman, Michael B Jordan, Lupita Nyong'o & many more), which is a first for a movie of this budget, size etc. 

And it's set almost entirely in Africa, albeit a fictional African country of Wakanda, but still.

People are even creating funds for kids to go see the movie (initially started for Harlem youth), and $260,000 has been raised.

So yeah, it's a big deal.

But like... is it any good tho?

Yup, it's apparently good, like really good. 

Oh, and if you're concerned all this "importance" means it'll be too heavy or heady, don't be. You'll get all the action and shirtless hotties you want.
 

WATCH THE TRAILER

Early Man

AKA
"What your friends say when you ask when you should get there cuz you're always late... man"
 

WHAT'S THE DEAL 

You know those stop motion movies made with clay? Yeah like Wallace and Gromit and Chicken Run.

Well the makers of those movies made this one too.

But instead of mute dogs and uncannily inventive chickens, they're taking on man, and women. So, like humans at large, but before flushing toilets, way before (qq: did they use leaves?  hmmmm).

If you're familiar with these types of movies, you know there will be lots of dry british humor, large teeth and lots of sweetness mixed in.  If not, whelp, now you know. 

FUN FACT(S)

Each second of a stop motion movie takes 3 bajillion hours to shoot.  Or it just looks that way, we're not sure.
 

WATCH THE TRAILER

DISOBEDIENCE - April 27, 2018
Rachel Weisz and Rachel McAdams play two friends who secretly want to be more, but they've been raised in an Orthodox Jewish structure. 

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LIFE OF THE PARTY - May 11, 2018
Melissa McCarthy pulls a Rodney Dangerfield and goes back to school, with her daughter (who's stoked, natch).
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DEADPOOL 2 - May 18, 2018
Second teaser. SkullpoopL gets introduced to Cable, his new gun buddy.
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SOLO: A STAR WARS STORY - May 25, 2018
The scruffy looking nerf herder gets his own origin story. We're dubious, but hopeful.
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JURASSIC WORLD: FALLEN KINGDOM 
June 22, 2018
Dinosaurs. People running from dinosaurs. Again.
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SKYSCRAPER - July 6, 2018
Yes, this is in fact a second movie starring The Rock about tall buildings being destroyed. This one does NOT have giant wolfs and gorillas (that's Rampage).
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MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE - FALLOUT
July 27, 2018
Mr. Ethan Hunt is on the, ahem, hunt again for more baddies. Come for the rad stunts, stay for the rad stunts.
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