What's In Theaters: You'd Be Crazy Gnot to Have a Look

Mar 21, 2018

GUESS THE QUOTE

"DAMN YOU PEOPLE,
this is golf, not a rock concert!"

Man, Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle finally fell out of the box office top ten this past weekend.

That shit was released at Christmas.

America clearly loves its maniacal board games.

Who knew?

We're fully expecting Hollywood to release an action movie where the Monopoly guy tries to screw over the less fortunate, except Vin Diesel stands up for the little guy and kicks that stupid monocle wearing greedy chump RIGHT IN THE FACE, POW!

And then he'll explode his evil overcompensating phallic looking skyscraper into smithereens, KABLOOIE! And then, and then...

.......

Uh, sorry, got a little carried away there...

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PACIFIC RIM
UPRISING

AKA
"the menacing name New Zealand had been using for their (formerly) secret plan to take over the world using these not very menacing creatures" <-- it wasn't a great plan

PG-13 / 1 hr 51 mins
Action / Universal

WHAT'S THE DEAL

It's Monsters v Robots.

The plot is all in service of that.

So let's focus on what you may not know:

WAS NOT directed by recent Oscar Best Picture winner Guillermo Del Toro, who directed the original

DOES NOT star original cast members Charlie Hunnam or Idris Elba

DOES star John Boyega (Star Wars) & Charlie Day (original)

DOES feature even bigger monsters and more robots

NOT supposed to be better than the original

REVIEWS

The Good: Boom crash pow RAWR!

The Bad: you've already seen the boom crash pow rawr! done better, in the first one. :/

Rotten Tomatoes Score: 52%
(50 reviews @ publish)

ARE WE GONNA GO?

Think will stay in and watch Robot Jox instead.

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SHERLOCK GNOMES

AKA
"Gnome Shit Sherlock"

PG / 1 hr 26 mins
Animated Comedy / Paramount

WHAT'S THE DEAL

Let's remember first that this is a sequel.

Now in contrast to their gnamesakes, our two heroes, Gnomeo and Juliet, did GNOT drink poison / stab themselves at the end of the last film - it was a children's film after all.

Gno, our loving couple was granted a fate far worse... the dreaded money grab sequel!

But they can gnot take this horror on alone, oh gno, this time they need a partner - and who better than a partner that is yet another play on the word gnome!

Now we get it, this whole gnome pun game is pretty fun, but once you've beat the little garden guardians to death, please for the love of little pointed hats have some sympathy and just let them rest in peace...s.

Gnomesaying?

REVIEWS

The trailer features a joke where a gnome farts, not once, not twice, but thrice in a pool of mud.

Take a guess what they'll be.

Rotten Tomatoes Score: TBD
(0 Reviews @ publish)

ARE WE GONNA GO?

Gnope.

UNSANE

AKA
"a real word, cuz we looked it up"

R / 1 hr 37 mins
Thriller / Bleecker Street

WHAT'S THE DEAL

Ever get that feeling you're being... watched?

Ever get that feeling you're watching someone get watched?

Well you will if you go see this movie! Or maybe you won't...

That's kind of the deal with this one - Claire Foy (The Crown) plays a woman committed to a mental institution because she believes she's getting stalked when she really isn't..or is she? Hmmm

Steven Soderbergh (Ocean's Eleven) tries to get cheeky and films this with an iPhone all while apparently bringing up issues of #MeToo almost somewhat unintentionally.

Cuz it's like that ol tree in the forest adage - if everyone hears a woman say she's being harassed, is she really even being harassed...

REVIEWS

Pretty darn into it. Highlight some "timely elements" and the overall B movie craziness. One of our fav review lines..

"Watching Stephen Soderbergh's Unsane is like being locked in a circus cage with a tiger."

We don't know what the fuck it means, but it sure sounds cool/terrifying.

Rotten Tomatoes Score: 82%
(49 Reviews @ publish)

ARE WE GONNA GO?

Unsure.

Get it?

MIDNIGHT SUN

AKA
"the movie that's better stuck where it's always midnight"

PG / 1 hr 49 mins
Romance / Open Road

WHAT'S THE DEAL

Xeroderma Pigmentosum.

It's a set of words that'll probably take you longer to learn how to say than to guess how this movie goes.

It's also what the main character has - a rare disease that doesn't let her be in the sun. Which keeps her from her bae, whoooo doesn't quite know that he's her bae... yet.

Oh, and in other long words, this piece of man meat she's pining over also happens to be a Schwarzenegger. Yes, that one. Cept his kid.

REVIEWS

We put the chances of a 0% at greater than 0%

Rotten Tomatoes Score: TBD%
(0 Reviews @ publish)

ARE WE GONNA GO?

We put it at 100% chance we have a 0% chance of seein this movie.

LAST WEEKEND'S TOP MOVIES
(Weekend / Domestic Total - $ = Millions)

1) Black Panther ($26.7 / $605)
A super, hero, movie
97% RT -  Trailer - Showtimes

2) Tomb Raider ($23.6) NEW
Reboot / origin story / Alicia Vikander
50% RT -  Trailer - Showtimes

3) I Can Only Imagine ($17.1) NEW
Faith based / based on pop christian song
67% RT -  Trailer - Showtimes

4) A Wrinkle in Time ($16.3 / $61 )
Oprah, Reese, Mindy help teen save world
40% RT -  Trailer - Showtimes

5) Love, Simon ($11.8) NEW
Rom-com where lead happens to be gay
92% RT -  Trailer - Showtimes

6) Game Night ($5.6 / $54)
Cards Against Humanity this ain't
82% RT -  Trailer - Showtimes

7) Peter Rabbit ($5.2 / $102)
He steals carrots and... raps? Yes, he raps
59% RT -  Trailer - Showtimes

8) Strangers: Prey At Night ($4.7 /$18.5)
Strangers come to kill a family
38% RT -  Trailer - Showtimes

9) Red Sparrow ($4.5 / $40)
Jennifer Lawrence plays Russian spy
47% RT -  Trailer - Showtimes

10) Death Wish ($3.4 / $30)
Bruce Willis is a vigilante
17% RT -  Trailer - Showtimes

TYLER PERRY'S ACRIMONY

Yup, that is the official title. Nothing like brand equity. Taraji P. Henson is a woman scorned. Whoever the guy be, he be in trouble...

Watch the Trailer

GOD'S NOT DEAD:
A LIGHT IN THE DARKNESS

The third "reminder."

Watch the Trailer

LIMITED RELEASE SPOTLIGHT
GEMINI

Zoë Kravitz and her personal assistant get caught in a crime where John Cho is investigating them. Looks slick.

Note: limited released means LA/NY to start - can expand, but are often on VOD soon after, so keep a lookout.

Watch the Trailer

ACTION POINT
June 1, 2018

Jackass, but like, with a story. Johnny Koxville plays the owner of a (very very dangerous) theme park. Based on a real place.
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WON'T YOU BE MY NEIGHBOR?
June 8, 2018

A doc about the gosh darn nicest guy around, Mr. Rodgers. Looks delightful and tear inducing.
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TAG
June 15, 2018

You're It. Based on a real life game where friends have been playing for 30 years. Lots of actors you know in this one: Jon Hamm, Hannibal Buress, Rashida Jones & more.

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