Nu-clear, nuke-yuh-lar, who cares, we're all gonna die.
GUESS THE QUOTE
"28 days, 6 hours, 42 minutes, 12 seconds.
That, is when, the world will end."
We wouldn't call this the strongest weekend for new movies, cuz then we'd be horrible no good goddamn liars.
In other words, best look to the Already in Theaters section if you're pining for some popcorn amidst a dark room full of strangers...
Unless you're in NY/LA and lookin to get your brain twisted with Suspiria.
Gettin cutoff? Go here, click "most recent edition."
HUNTER KILLER AKA
"killer Hunter boots man"
R / 2 hrs
Action / Lionsgate-Summit
WHAT'S THE DEAL
Don't you wish for simpler times? When 'Merica was against one common enemy? Where everyone could just spew their hate and vitriol at what was clear and evident evil and we'd all be better for vanquishing that awfulness?
We're talking, of course about video rental late fees. #thanksNetflix
But the world has changed. We have to deal with, ugh, ambiguity, moral greyness and *shudder*, complexity.
Which brings us to Hunter Killer, a totally modern movie where some group called "The Russians" are the enemy and there's stellar nuance, like which size bomb to explode and people ask really deep and meaningful things like "Did we just start a war?" and Gerad Butler responds with a heroic stoicism befitting a statue "No, but we might have sailed into one."
See, modernity ain't all bad.
REVIEWS
Oh boy, the critics are really loving the "this one is sunk" metaphor - cuz ya know, it's a sub movie. :/
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 35%
(17 reviews @ publish)
WHO'S IT (NOT) FOR?
For: people who do this mentally whenever someone picks up "the red phone"
(Not): for anyone who hears "the Russians!" in a movie, and cringes
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JOHNNY ENGLISH
STRIKES AGAIN
AKA
"ow?"
PG / 1 hr 24 mins
Comedy / Universal
WHAT'S THE DEAL
If "Mr. Bean" sounds like a type of flatulence medicine to you, we suggest you move along.
For all others, we really don't need to say much either, cuz you know what it is. It's Rowan Atkinson actually speaking and shooting guns (who cares it's probably in the wrong way and it most likely maims an unsuspecting turtle) for the third go round.
If you're still reading and still confused, Johnny English is third in a series of James Bond / spy send ups where the painstakingly slow counter guy from Love Actually bumbles his way into saving the land of pints and persnickety Posh Spice lovers in spite of himself.
Expect lots of painful physical comedy, much of it involving an old bloke dealing with technology, and oblivious humor harkening back to Peter Sellers' The Pink Panther movies from the 60's.
REVIEWS
Getting the same love as the first two, which is, not much. But if you liked or loved those, you'll be safe with this one it seems.
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 37%
(54 reviews @ publish)
WHO'S IT (NOT)FOR?
For: those who giggled at the above image and want lots more of its ilk.
(Not): people who don't think a mini drink umbrella stuck in someone's nose is "high brow" enough
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LIMITED RELEASE SPOTLIGHT
SUSPIRIA
AKA
"I wanna see it, please just don't make me pronounce it"
R / 2 hrs 32 mins
Horror-Suspense / Amazon Studios
WHAT'S THE DEAL
This one is likely gonna be a crowd splitter.
First, it's a two and half hour psychological mind fuck with plenty of gore and nudity to warrant the R rating. So as Scar would say, be prepared, cuz this one's an all in endeavor.
It's a remake of a 70's flick from horror movie maestro Dario Argento (yup, Asia's dad) directed by Luca Guadagnino who just did last year's Call Me By Your Name . This new Suspiria follows the same storyline as the original, where a young dancer (Dakota Johnson) gets accepted into an elite dance company in 70's Europe run by Tilda Swinton, but it's way more than it seems - as in a cover for some supernatural crazy messed up stuff. We'll avoid saying more and let you soak it all in as the characters get soaked in blood.
Note: to make it even more interesting, the soundtrack was done by Radiohead's Thom Yorke.
REVIEWS
Reviews also saying it's a movie likely to bifurcate audiences, but more often than not, they're praising the effort. If sometimes saying it doesn't quite make it through a full sprint to the finish.
Rotten Tomatoes Score: 71%
(69 reviews @ publish)
WHO'S IT (NOT) FOR?
For: those who liked or were intrigued by Darren Aronofsky's Mother and maybe more specifically, Hereditary
(Not): those who want their horror movies filled with quick cuts and jump scares
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ALREADY IN THEATERS + BOX OFFICE
(3-Day Weekend / Domestic Total - $ = Millions)
1) Halloween ($76.2) NEW
Nee noo noo nee noo noo nee
79% RT - Trailer - Showtimes
2) A Star is Born ($19 / $126)
Bradley Cooper/Lady Gaga love story
90% RT - Trailer - Showtimes
3) Venom ($18 / $171)
Spider-Man nemesis movie, w/ no Spidey
30% RT - Trailer - Showtimes
4) Goosebumps 2: Haunted... ($9.7 / $29)
Kids light horror flick based on books
44% RT - Trailer - Showtimes
5) First Man ($8.3 / $30)
Ryan Gosling as Neil Armstrong -> moon
89% RT - Trailer - Showtimes
6) The Hate U Give ($7.6 / $11)
Girl deals w/ split lives & death of friend
97% RT - Trailer - Showtimes
7) Smallfoot ($6.6 / $66)
Bigfoot(feet?) searches for us tiny footers
75% RT - Trailer - Showtimes
8) Night School ($4.9 / $67)
Kevin Hart schooled by Tiffany Haddish
28% RT - Trailer - Showtimes
9) Bad Times at the El... ($3.4 / $13)
Star studded, twist filled, neo-noir soaked
72% RT - Trailer - Showtimes
10) The Old Man & The Gun ($2.1 / $4)
Robert Redford last acting role
90% RT - Trailer - Showtimes
BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY
Freddie Mercury and Queen biopic approved by the band. Rami Malek from the TV show Mr. Robot plays Mr. Pipes (Freddie).
NOBODY'S FOOL
The year of Tiffany Haddish continues. Tyler Perry written/directed flick where Haddish, after getting out of jail, helps her more successful sister recover from being catfished.
THE NUTCRACKER
AND THE FOUR REALMS
Another Disney fantasy whirlwind akin to Alice in Wonderland. Young girl must go to a land her (dead) mother created and save it. Keira Knightley plays sugar plum fairy.
LIMITED RELEASE SPOTLIGHT
BOY ERASED
Son (Lucas Hedges) is forced into gay conversion "therapy" by his mother (Nicole Kidman) & preacher father (Russell Crowe). Joel Edgerton (who wrote and directed) plays the leader of conversion. Based on true story & has solid reviews.
ESCAPE ROOM
January 4, 2019
If Saw and The Cabin in the Woods had a baby, but like, one that wants murder you in the most painful way possible. Goo goo gaw hell nah.
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THE PRODIGY
February 8, 2019
A child is inhabited by "something" and his mother (Taylor Schilling - Piper on Orange is the New Black) is trying to save him. Slow burn trailer.
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THE CURSE OF LA LLORONA
April 19, 2019
Another slow burn. Based on Latin American folklore about "the weeping woman" who killed her children only to regret it and is cursed to find their spirits, but tries to find children to replace them. Stars Linda Cardellini (Daddy's Home, Freak & Geeks) and produced by James Wan (Saw, The Conjuring).
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