Peeing a little watching horror movies is normal... right? 🤫

Apr 17, 2019

GUESS THE QUOTE
"What kind of beer do you like?
Heineken?!
Fuck. That. Shit.
Pabst Blue Ribbon."

Some of you may have been excited for Under the Silver Lake, which comes out this weekend, but not like originally planned; it was switched to a day and date VOD release (not a good thing). It had all the shine of a limited release hit - being put out by can't miss with critics A24, "hot" up and coming director (David Robert Mitchell, who made one of our recent faves, It Follows), a big"ish" name in Andrew Garfield (with Riley Keough too). But reviews were split and apparently the studio decided against a full theatrical push. It happens.

However, there is another limited release getting really great reviews. Tessa Thompson and Lily James in Little Woods. James needs money for an abortion and her sister, Thompson, goes back to dealing opiods to get the cash. Looks tough, of our times and well done.

Gettin cutoff? Go here, click "most recent edition."

THE CURSE
OF LA LLORONA

AKA
"stilled called jump scares if I don't even move?"

R / 1 hr 33 mins

Horror / Warner Bros (New Line)

WHAT'S THE DEAL

Children, they're horror movies' adorable little pawns.

In most scarefests, the future of our species either get turned into demonic hellspawn, (see: the recent Pet Sematary) or threatened by demonic hellspawn (see: this movie). How're they supposed to win? They're not. Because even if they manage to vanquish their wicked tormenter, the self medication and therapy sessions will be abundant. Cuz what the hell do you do after becoming the target of a tortured ghost mother (thought to only be Latin American folklore) that lost her children and now abducts others in order to fill the hole in her blackened bloodless heart?

Exactly. At least these children have their own mother (Linda Cardellini - Mad Men, Freaks & Geeks) who can.... also do nothing except get scared to death just like her offspring.

Cue disaffected priest who is the family's last hope (and also the movie's loose link to "The Conjuring" universe, but makes it more like the "The Conjuring" adjacent universe. Rumors are they just edited the script to add some references to that series to link all back up.)

REVIEWS

Not good. Say it's mostly repetitive jump scares and not enough tension.

"The loosely tied latest entry into The Conjuring universe suffers from an anemic script with too little scares and an underappreciation for who would likely be its core audience." Monica Castillo, RogerEbert.com

Rotten Tomatoes Score: 33%
(24 reviews @ publish)

WHO'S IT (NOT) FOR?

For: if you respond with "how high?" when any horror movie says boo

(Not): if you expect to feel the true terror of what it'd feel like to have your children not just stolen, but stolen by a dead person

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BREAKTHROUGH

AKA
"what you thought you had at therapy, but what was actually just a really damn good burp"

PG / 1 hr 56 mins

Drama / Fox

WHAT'S THE DEAL

This is what you'd call an "earnest movie." No, not that kind.

See, it's all heart for this one; and also the lack of a beating one. It's based on the true story of a midwestern teenager falling into an icy lake, spending 15 minutes underwater and then not being alive, by the traditional standards (breathing, pumping blood, brain activity - the usual), for nearly an hour. EMTs, doctors, nurses all reportedly worked on him for this entire time, but not until his mother (played by Chrissy Metz from This Is Us) arrived and exhorted her god with an audible prayer did her son start breathing again. Heck of a coincidence or an act of said god? Depends on who you ask (just don't ask these pigs).

But if you ask yourself which way you're leaning, you also likely have your answer as to whether you should plunk down two hours the federal minimum wage to see this one. It's worth pointing out that while this is a "faith based" movie, it was not produced by that one company (PureFlix) that pumps out Christian movies as if they have some serious sinning to make up for.

NOTE: in theaters today

REVIEWS

Decent number saying it's watchable even by non-believers, but still... "Lots of small, potentially affecting dramas buzz around the center of Breakthrough before the movie swats them away to focus on the power of prayer." Jesse Hassenger, AV Club

Rotten Tomatoes Score: 68%
(22 reviews @ publish)

WHO'S IT (NOT) FOR?

For: christians / people who love thems "based on true events" movies no matter the subject matter

(Not): if you have an ounce of cynicism / atheists

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DISNEYNATURE:
PENGUINS

AKA
"let's all go awwww at adorable penguins while their home melts away 😃 "

G / 1 hr 16 mins

Documentary-Family / Disneynature

WHAT'S THE DEAL

Warning: if you have cute aggression and choose to see this movie, be prepared and bring a pillow to crush whilst you watch.

So instead of a movie about penguinS, the filmmakers decided to follow A penguin for the entirety of this "documentary." They call this penguin, Steve. They even give Steve an internal monologue (but only Steve) - and it's voiced by Ed Helms. You get to see Steve escape danger, lolz at Steve falling (see above), and witness Steve becoming a father (but not like that, weirdo).

Now, if they happened to use multiple penguins, would you know the difference ? Nah, probably not. Does it matter? Nah, probably not. Especially not to the kiddos this movie is intended for. Not that we're sayin they diiiid, just sayin' can you tell penguins apart?

Btw, it might not hurt to think about biking to this one so as not to further the destruction of Steve's humble abode.

NOTE: in theaters today

REVIEWS

Bout sums it up...

"Relies not on deeper meaning but on the seemingly unassailable argument that penguins are exceptionally cute and that the typical human being would happily spend 76 minutes watching them do just about anything." - William Bibbiani, The Wrap

However, we thought the The NY Times' critique was worth noting: "the choice to create an inner monologue for him feels like an infantilizing suggestion that animals must be wholly anthropomorphized to be compelling subjects."

Rotten Tomatoes Score: 88%
(34 reviews @ publish)

WHO'S IT (NOT) FOR?

For: 4-10 year olds and their parents / people who watch every single video on The Dodo's instagram account and say, "more please"

(Not): don't go if you want a call to action wrt climate change, you'll be dismayed

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ALREADY IN THEATERS + BOX OFFICE
(3-Day Weekend / Domestic Total - $ = millions)

1) Shazam! ($24.5 / $94)
BIG crossed with Superman
90% RT -  Trailer - Showtimes

2) Little ($15.4) NEW
Body switching comedy
47% RT -  Trailer - Showtimes

3) Hellboy ($12) NEW
Red guy redo
15% RT -  Trailer - Showtimes

4) Pet Sematary ($9.7 / $41)
Stephen King book gets a movie redo
58% RT -  Trailer - Showtimes

5) Dumbo ($9.4 / $90)
Live action (cept the big eared little guy)
47% RT -  Trailer - Showtimes

6) Captain Marvel ($8.6 / $387)
Lucky 21?
78% RT -  Trailer - Showtimes

7) Us ($6.8 / $163)
Jordan Peele's next horror fest
94% RT -  Trailer - Showtimes

8) After ($6) NEW
Teen Fifty Shades, minus the BDSM
23% RT -  Trailer - Showtimes

9) Missing Link ($5.9) NEW
Next one from stop motion studio Laika
89% RT -  Trailer - Showtimes

10) The Best of Enemies ($2 / $8)
Civil rights activist / KKK head = friends?
52% RT -  Trailer - Showtimes

AVENGERS: ENDGAME

SPOILER ALERT....

.....

You're still reading? Wtf? You already know you're gonna go see it (or not). Quit it.

The Trailer

THE SECRET LIFE OF PETS 2
June 7, 2019

Full trailer. Lots of talking animals, lots of hijinks.

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DARK PHOENIX
June 7, 2019

Final trailer. Next X-Men movie. Jean Grey gets crazy powerful, and kinda crazy. Note: they did this storyline in X-Men 3 and royally screwed it up (f u Brett Ratner).

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STAR WARS:
THE RISE OF SKYWALKER
December 20, 2019

Teaser. JJ Abrams is back in charge (he directed 2015's The Force Awakens - Rian Johnson did 2017's The Last Jedi) to finish the "Skywalker story." And yup, looks like (remnants of) the Death Star to us too.

ADD TO YOUR CALENDAR
Apple Google Outlook

What's In Theaters +

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