Of monsters and men who are monsters

Jan 29, 2020

GUESS THE QUOTE
"Look up idiot in the dictionary
and you know what you'll find?
...a picture of me?
No, the definition of the word idiot,
which is what you fucking are."

It' still January out there, and the cold air isn't the only thing you should guard yourself against...

Side note: Vivarium (Jesse Eisenberg and Imogen Poots) looks like a fun little weirdo sci-fi thriller. Unfortunately, it's a "day and date" limited theatrical / VOD release, so I'm not going to feature it, but I'd still encourage you to check out the trailer.

Cutoff? Go here, click "most recent edition."

THE RHYTHM SECTION

AKA
"not a movie about music, I repeat,
nothing relating to auditory pleasure"

R / 1 hr 49 mins

Action-Thriller / Paramount

WHAT'S THE DEAL

In One Line: Blake Lively kicking some ass, and getting her ass kicked, in an action movie that tries for realism more than most.

Blake Lively doesn't give a shit. I mean, have you seen her hairstyles in this trailer? They're the equivalent of your attitude when you forlornly gaze upon your kitchen sink filled with the aftermath of well fought party - that is to say, "fuck it."

And who can blame her? Every member of her family was killed in a plane crash. Which, in an effort to push the plot forward and Lively into severely aggressive action sequences, was not an accident. So yeah, Lively plays a character with nothing to live for, so hair is just a means to an end. She'll swap a mop top from her depression laiden time as a junkie for a fiery red wig over to some cute bangs all in order to bring down those responsible for her loved ones' deaths. But as Jude Law mentions to her in the trailer, this won't help her emotional state in the slightest. She's still going to be hating life, which, based on reviews, you maaay be too after watching... 😬

And even though it may seem like it, don't expect a Bond or Bourne type movie. Lively's character makes a lot of mistakes any person would in her situation, so it's far more realistic than your average vengeance tale, but reviewers say the plot and overall story are depressed as well. But on the other hand, you've likely seen way worse revenge flicks starring dudes, so nothing wrong with supporting the slow roll towards equality where all genders get to star in kinda silly action movies at the same rate. 🥳

REVIEWS

As noted, Lively is getting decent praise (although enough are not buying her British accent to make it noteworthy) and the realism is generally a positive, but overall middling to bad.

"The movie is made well, if you're buying what it's selling, and if you don't consider a story or a script as crucial to the quality of a thriller." - Michael Phillips, Chicago Tribune

Rotten Tomatoes Score: 39%
(38 reviews @ publish)

WHO'S IT (NOT) FOR?

For: you love Blake Lively, and you'll become enraptured by her no matter the time, the place, or the quality of the movie

(Not): you'd rather watch people talk about people getting killed (see: Marriage Story) than watch them kill

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GRETEL AND HANSEL

AKA
"a copy editor's worst nightmare of a title"

PG-13 / 1 hr 27 mins

Horror / Orion

WHAT'S THE DEAL

In One Line: A well shot moody version of the classic story of Hansel and Gretel, but like... Gretel and Hansel.

Did you watch The Witch (the first movie made by the director of The Lighthouse)? Did you like The Witch? Well this isn't The Witch, but it's kinda all moody and atmospheric like The Witch?! So you maaaay like this if you liked The Witch. And while this may not be The Witch, it does in fact star a witch. So, ya know, that's something.

But having a witch in a movie based on Hansel and Gretel is treading heavily on that no shit sherlock territory. What may not be quite so clear to you is why the name switch. But the answer is simple, Gretel (Sophia Lillis from IT) is the lead here . Why? Cuz. She's 16, she's the caretaker and her brother is 8, and a total tag along. So she's the lead. Deal with it. Plus, Gretel has to help herself aaaand her younger brother after they're forced to leave their disease ridden home. And many hours in the woods alone would give anyone the hangries, so don't blame her for leading them into the depths of witch hell, ok? Plus, once you smell that sweet sweet buttah after the tummy rumbles begin, you're gonna get to the eatin #noquestionsasked Cue: the witch. #probablyshouldaskedsomequestions

A more important query may be why this story? Why now? You could ask me what encompased all of existence before the universe big banged itself into being and I'd give the same idiotic stare.

I can tell you, however, what this is not - a sequel to the "is Jeremy Renner gonna be the next big action star?*" era Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters. Which is good, cuz that movie kinda blew. But does this one? Cue that stare again (read: no reviews). A least G & H has interesting backstory in that it's director is Oz Perkins, the son of Anthony Perkins, star of Psycho, and also the... snotty nerdy dude from Legally Blonde?? Yup. And while the son of the star of one of the greatest creepfests ever made making horror movies feels almost inevitable, the murderous witch getting her due is nearly as foregone.

You watching all that transpire? Eh, a bit less so.

*answer: nope

REVIEWS

None yet!

Rotten Tomatoes Score: TBD
(0 reviews @ publish)

WHO'S IT (NOT) FOR?

For: Did I mention fans of The Witch? Ok, ok - let's go with "fans of atmospheric horror movies"

(Not): don't listen to a word I say, the screams all sound the same

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THE ASSISTANT

AKA
"the (real) power behind the power"

PG-13 / 1 hr 27 mins

Horror / Orion

WHAT'S THE DEAL

In One Line: Subtle take on the luridly awful behavior exhibited by the likes of a certain movie mogul and those enabling such loathsome creatures.

This movie takes place before the current #MeToo movement fixed all the sexual assault and harassment people have been dealing with for well, ever. So you can kind of look at it as a "time capsule movie," capturing all the ignorant, objectifying, abusive and cruel behavior (mostly) women used to encounter.

Ah, yeah, no.

While the outpouring of people's stories and the comeuppance for many of those acting like human garbage has been amazing, we're still very much in the throws of the fight for people (read: men) to treat all other people (read: women) like... people. So while The Assistant tells the day in the life of a female junior entertainment employee before reports took down Harvey Weinstein, it's still a movie of the moment.

Julia Garner (Ozark) plays a recent grad trying to establish herself while simply going about her day - which includes cleaning stains off the bosses couch (guh-ross), lying to the boss's wife (cringe), and being condescended to by HR (*throat punch*). And speaking of the boss, you won't see (the unnamed, but clearly influenced by Weinstein) him, but you'll hear him and see his influence on Jane's (Garner) situation. But the film's focus is not on just one person, but the whole fabric of complicity. Critics note that it's a fairly dreary feeling movie, but purposefully so; in order to establish how almost mundane and yet crushing the behavior exhibited by those in power is. So if you're expecting a big powerful stand on the desk speech type of movie, don't. Instead, expect a cold bucket of reality poured directly into your corneas.

REVIEWS

Julia Garner getting lots of praise.

"Few movies have spoken more quietly, and consequently more damningly, than "The Assistant." The silence of this movie is devastating because we recognize it all too clearly as our own." - Justin Chang, LA Times

Rotten Tomatoes Score: 83%
(29 reviews @ publish)

WHO'S IT (NOT) FOR?

For: you think this whole #MeToo stuff is a bit "overblown"

(Not): you've lived it enough you don't need to see it portrayed cinematically

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ALREADY IN THEATERS + BOX OFFICE
(3-Day Weekend /
Domestic Total - $ = millions)

1) Bad Boys for Life ($34 / $121)
Will Smith and Martin Lawrence, they back
78% RT - Trailer - Showtimes

2) 1917 ($15.9 / $104)
WW I one shot
89% RT - Trailer - Showtimes

3) Dolittle ($12.2 / $44)
Robert Downey Jr. can talk to animals
16% RT - Trailer - Showtimes

4) The Gentlemen ($10.7) NEW
Guy Ritchie back with gang caper stuff
72% RT - Trailer - Showtimes

5) Jumanji: The Next... ($7.7 / $283)
Further in video game hijinks
71% RT - Trailer - Showtimes

6) The Turning ($6.7) NEW
Horror flick based on classic story
15% RT - Trailer - Showtimes

7) Star Wars: The Rise of... ($5.6 / $502)
The end to the Skywalker story
52% RT - Trailer - Showtimes

8) Little Women ($4.6 / $94)
Greta Gerwig takes on the classic book
95% RT - Trailer - Showtimes

9) Just Mercy ($4 / $27)
Disney ain't lettin that $ go
83% RT - Trailer - Showtimes

10) Knives Out ($3.5 / $152)
Modern day whodunnit w/ big cast
97% RT - Trailer - Showtimes

BIRDS OF PREY

Margot Robbie parts from the Joker (not that one, this one) after the Suicide Squad and joins with some other female anti-heroes to kick some chins. Bad guy played by Ewan McGregor.

WATCH THE TRAILER

THE LODGE

Atmospheric creepfest that was well lauded coming out of last year's Sundance. Riley Keough is a gf who gets stuck in a remote cabin with her bf's kids. Then it gets weird.

WATCH THE TRAILER

IRRESISTIBLE
May 29, 2020

Jon Stewart writes and directs a story about a Democratic strategist (Steve Carell) trying to help a small town WI farmer win a local mayoral election. Sliiiightly surprised it's getting a theatrical release, but yeah.

PUT IT ON YOUR CALENDAR

What's In Theaters +

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