All the movies you're not going to see in theaters. 😷

Mar 11, 2020

GUESS THE QUOTE

You might've heard, but a number of movies are getting their release dates shifted due to "current events."

The new Bond moved from April to November, and then the Trolls sequel took Bond's spot on April 10 (releasing yet another trailer to say so) which then led Dave Bautista's My Spy (which was supposed to open this week) to move into the Trolls spot! Sheesh.

One big movie that hasn't shifted is Black Widow, which is still set for May 1st. For now.

Cutoff? Go here, click "most recent edition."

THE HUNT

AKA
"when you run out of TP"

R / 1 hr 48 mins

Satire-Action-Mystery / Universal

WHAT'S THE DEAL

In One Line: A satire that tries to point out that no matter our political persuasions, we all bleed the same color. Literally.

Geez, this one can't catch a break. It was initially delayed from last summer / fall after a combo of hand wringing about releasing a movie that has humans hunting humans so close to multiple mass murders and (disingenuous?) backlash by some conservative pundits/presidents - the humans being hunted in the movie are themselves conservatives. And now, finally as it gets close to a release, it faces yet another issue. You know the one. The same reason your hands are drier than the California aqueducts of 2053.

But like any good self interested movie studio, Universal tried to turn controversy into marketing by framing the movie as "the most talked about movie of the year no one has actually seen." Which, sure, there's been some discussion, but most talked about? Yeah, no.

But if one were to talk, what would they talk about? Well, for starters, they'd mention the movie was co-written by Damon Lindelof, a creator of Lost, The Leftovers and the recent Watchmen. They'd also note it was inspired by Get Out's "social commentary through genre" approach and aims to get people to see outside their own cemented political positions for a brief moment. And how exactly? By brutally killing people. Duh.

See, movie stages an over the top situation of a seeming "deep state" conspiracy where liberal "elites" capture and hunt conservative "deplorables" for sport. If reading that makes you want to wash your eyes with bleach, it seems to be a bit of the point (and I understand). The one lone seemingly neutral character is played by (the excellent) Betty Gilpin from GLOW. While others will have their heads blown off and guts spilled (lots of them famous people you'll recognize), it'll be up to Gilpin to figure out what the hell is actually going on. And maybe along the way you'll get some chuckles out of the caricatures she meets.

That is, if your local theater isn't shut down by Friday. 😬

REVIEWS

Most reviews seem to say it almost gets to its end, but not quite.

"It amounts to a protest against the hyper-politicization of everything, an attempt to reclaim popular culture as a demilitarized zone in the midst of our collective rhetorical forever war. This is admirable, but by the end it also feels halfhearted, as what looked like a dystopian fantasy turns into an exercise in wishful thinking." - A.O. Scott, NY Times

Rotten Tomatoes Score: TBD
(25 reviews @ publish)

WHO'S IT (NOT) FOR?

For: you want to escape all the crazy politicization of the world, by watching more of it as catharsis / you want to see liberals AND conservatives heads explode

(Not): you're pissed off the green party isn't going to be represented

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BLOODSHOT

AKA
"what you thought was a shot of red colored alcohol,
but with that look on your friend's face,
you're no longer so sure"

PG-13 / 1 hr 49 mins

Action-Sci-Fi-Superhero / Sony

WHAT'S THE DEAL

In One Line: Vin Diesel action / superhero movie that's NOT Fast and Furious.

Have you seen a Vin Diesel movie before? Or a trailer for a Vin Diesel movie? Hell, do you even kinda sorta just a lil bit know who Vin Diesel is once someone shows you a picture (oooh yeah, that guy)? Word. You know exactly what kind of movie this is going to be.

That is to say, Diesel is going to vocal fry the shit out of his voice the entire film, wear white tank top undershirts like he's Hanes biggest shareholder and a punch dude in the throat with aplomb befitting someone with nano bots inhabiting his entire reanimated corpse. Which, surprise! (you're not surprised) he is that someone, which makes him the world's first super solider (just not our world).

But in this (based on a comic book) sci-fi universe, Diesel did not become a superhero of his own volition and thus has to determine if the people who saved(?) his life by outfitting him with mechanical bed bugs so strong they allow his entire face to be shot off and rearranged instantly are good, or eeeevil (take a wild guess). Which apparently gives the movie a chance to toy around with some twistsies and some turnsies. But Vin Diesel does not like getting toyed with or twisting and turning. Oh no, Mr. Diesel likes to come straight at you such that you can see what you're going to get from miles and miles away (which is possibly how far away you should stay).

Note: co-stars Guy Pearce as the scientist bringing Diesel back to life, Sam Heughan from Outlander and Lamorne Morris from New Girl.

REVIEWS

Not awful, but certainly not great.

"Diesel is still mostly cartoon brawn, a sight-gag slab with just enough winking to never quite bore, even if he also never quite excites." - Robert Abele, The Wrap

Rotten Tomatoes Score: 42%
(43 reviews @ publish)

WHO'S IT (NOT) FOR?

For: you think originality in action movies is overrated

(Not): you think originality in action movies is underrated

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I STILL BELIEVE

AKA
"what R. Kelly is going to be telling himself
from prison, very very far away from the sky"

PG / 1 hr 56 mins

Drama-Religious / Lionsgate

WHAT'S THE DEAL

In One Line: A weepy Christian love story.

I really could've just left this as the one short sentence above, because honestly, there's not a lot more to say. Except maybe to add that the specifics of the story are based on the life of a Christian rock singer and his (SPOILER ALERT!) first wife. You may (you definitely can) be able to infer from that note where the plot of this movie is headed.

Note: stars KJ Apa (Riverdale) and Britt Robertson (Tomorrowland).

REVIEWS

The studio clearly selectively screened the movie to people who are inclined to like it, so take the high score with mountains of salt.

Rotten Tomatoes Score: 86%
(7 reviews @ publish)

WHO'S IT (NOT) FOR?

For: you attend Christian rock festivals like JoyFest and Creation Festival... religiously

(Not): you'd rather drive nails into your ear drums than listen to any of that ol' C-rock

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NEVER RARELY
SOMETIMES ALWAYS

AKA
"required viewing for any man who thinks
they know what to do with a woman's body
better than she does"

NR / 1 hr 35 mins

Drama / Focus Features

WHAT'S THE DEAL

In One Line: A realistic looking take on a young woman facing tough choices after she unintentionally becomes pregnant.

With difficult subjects there often comes the preaching of ideals or the designs of politics, and then, there's the reality. This is a movie about the latter.

A high school aged (but not quite considered an "adult") young woman becomes pregnant, but chooses she's not ready to have a baby. Problem is, she lives in Pennsylvania, where women under the age of 18 need parental consent to have an abortion. So she goes to New York with her supportive cousin along with what little money they pool together to try and reach a clinic in Brooklyn that can help.

And while the story centers on the logistical precariousness around getting an abortion in certain parts of the US, per reviews, the heart is around the lead character's loneliness as well as the strength and need for female bonds in the face of both omnipresent culture forces and real in your face male oppression / aggression.

You probably gathered, but this is the kind of movie that doesn't look to tell the viewer how to feel with big speeches and sweeping music, but instead relays its message from watching humans go through entirely human experiences.

REVIEWS

Still "perfect" so far. Praising basically everything about it, but do note it goes for quiet realism over verbosity.

"There's a sense of dread which haunts the film as its teenage protagonists attempt to navigate the complex healthcare system while also dealing with predatory men. But there's not an ounce of melodrama to be found." Hannah Woodhead, Little White Lies

Rotten Tomatoes Score: 100%
(52 reviews @ publish)

WHO'S IT (NOT) FOR?

For: you love to watch human stories, no matter how hard they are to watch or how frustrated they can make you at the world

(Not): you think The Handmaid's Tale is something to look forward to

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ALREADY IN THEATERS + BOX OFFICE
(3-Day Weekend /
Domestic Total - $ = millions)

1) Onward ($39.1) NEW
Pixar / two bros use magic to see dead dad
87% RT - Trailer - Showtimes

2) The Invisible Man ($15.1 / $53)
Elisabeth Moss fights unseeable abusive ex
90% RT - Trailer - Showtimes

3) The Way Back ($8.2) NEW
Ben Affleck alcoholism sports drama
85% RT - Trailer - Showtimes

4) Sonic the... ($7.7 / $141)
Blue blur gets his own movie (franchise?)
64% RT - Trailer - Showtimes

5) Call of the Wild ($6.8 / $57)
Harrison Ford in Jack London tale retelling
61% RT - Trailer - Showtimes

6) Emma. ($4.8 / $7)
New take on old Jane Austen story
85% RT - Trailer - Showtimes

7) Bad Boys for Life ($3 / $202)
Will Smith and Martin Lawrence, they back
78% RT - Trailer - Showtimes

8) Birds of Prey ($2.1 / $83)
Harley Quinn spinoff of Suicide Squad
80% RT - Trailer - Showtimes

9) Impractical Jokers ($1.8 / $10)
TruTV show full length movie
29% RT - Trailer - Showtimes

10) My Hero Academia ($1.7 / $13)
Anime TV series gets full length movie
92% RT - Trailer - Showtimes

A QUIET PLACE
PART II

Picks up right after the events of the (awesomely scary) first part.

WATCH THE TRAILER

THE SECRET GARDEN
April 17, 2020

The classic book "re-imagined" to take place in the late 1940's, but still dealing with broken people who get healed with the help of a garden (this one looks a little magical though).

SET A REMINDER!

BLACK WIDOW
May 1, 2020

"Final" trailer. The Avenger finally gets her own standalone (prequel) movie. Teams up with her Russian family - which includes Rachel Weisz, David Harbor (Stranger Things), Florence Pugh (Midsommar, Little Women).

SET A REMINDER!

SCOOB!
May 15, 2020

"Final" trailer. Honestly, I have no clue wth is going on here. But it's apparently an animated origin story of sorts for the Mystery Machine crew.

SET A REMINDER!

GREYHOUND
June 12, 2020

A WW II movie written by (and starring, duh) Tom Hanks about US warships being hunted by German U-boats on their way to the frontlines. Without being meaning to be a jerk, has a less sophisticated Dunkirk feel to it.

SET A REMINDER!

JUNGLE CRUISE
July 24, 2020

Second trailer. Emily Blunt and Dwayne Johnson make the ride come to (movie) life. Looks like they're trying (hard) to re-create a lil bit of that Pirates of the Caribbean situation...

SET A REMINDER!

What's In Theaters +

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