TBD

May 12, 2021

PINNED: this newsletter is supposed to be a friendly recapping of the movies in, and coming to, theaters. But things be real weird right now. So until that changes in earnest, I'll either be suggesting old favorites to revisit, pointing out recent flicks you may have missed or calling out notable new VOD / streaming options.

Remember waaaaay back when (read: March), how it was weird the Golden Globes (and the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, which runs the Globes) were being ragged on by the entertainment industry and yet still attended and supported by... the entertainment industry? Well, it finally came to a head (a globe?) when the non-profit org of journalists announced their plans to reform and, it did not go over well.

A group of publicists said it wasn't enough and Netflix's Ted Sarandos wrote a letter to the HFPA saying they won't be participating in the Globes or HFPA events in any capacity; then Amazon, Warner Media and others followed big red and some guy named Tom Cruise returned his awards too. Then NBC, who originally showed support for the original reform, said they wouldn't air the show in 2022 because the HFPA wasn't putting a timeline on the reforms. Phew.

Is this all a little, idk, late? Yeah, plenty. Is it a bit follow the crowd? For sure (it's Hollywood). But still, even if we take a circuitous route to the better destination, it's better than not getting there at all. I guess? Ooooor maybe we could all just say fuck it and start driving the other way.

Now for stuff you actually care about (or at least care more about?) - there are suddenly a lot of news movies. I'm sticking with highlighting three, because there are two legit theatrical releases and this newsletter does still have "Theaters" in the name. Plus, it gives me room to highlight the other movies in sparser weeks. I do want to point out that Netflix's Army of the Dead, directed by Zack "Justice League, see! my name is even on it" Snyder is releasing in some theaters this weekend too, and streaming on Netflix next Friday. I'll give it a proper highlight then, but if you're jonesing for it in theaters (and it's playing local), well, now ya know.

(from top, left to right)

Those Who Wish Me Dead: If I showed you an apple, you'd probably be like - Yup, that's an apple all right. Why are you showing me an apple? And I'd be like, well, do you like apples? Yeah, who doesn't, you'd retort. Well, not everyone loves them I'd say, but if... Yeah, sure sure, stop being pedantic and get to the god damn point already!

*ahem*

The point is, this movie looks as straightforward as an apple. Not all that original, but satisfying enough, if leaving you a bit wanting fairly soon after you eat it. However, there is a bit of candy coating to this fruity movie (I just wanted to rhyme), with Angelina Jolie starring as a smoke jumper who ends up protecting a kid from two killers (Nicholaus Hoult and Aidan Gillen, aka Little Finger) who will literally go scorched earth to off him 🔥🌲, and Taylor Sheridan writing and directing. You obviously know Jolie, but maybe less so Sheridan, who has been responsible for some of the better action movies to come out over the past few years (Sicario, Hell or High Water, Wind River), but this is only the second movie he's directed (first was River). He also co-created the well liked Yellowstone TV show. Reviews say his solid writing skillZ and ability to push forward the action is what ultimately makes the movie work. But they also say the movie is basically a 90's movie that would've starred Bruce Willis or Sylvester Stallone if it were made back in the day. So it's fun that Jolie gets to f up some bad guys, but that whole 90's vibe could be a downside, depending on your grazing habits. 🍎

Out  Friday
Watch  Theaters & HBO Max
The Trailer | 1 hr 40 mins | R | 🍅: 73%

Oxygen: Let's get this out of the way. Are you claustrophobic? Yeah? Cool. RUN. Not for real of course (but maybe? It is good for you after all), but emotionally from this movie. Nearly the entire thing takes place in a cryogenic pod not much larger than a coffin. It's basically a French sci-fi version of that Ryan Reynolds movie Buried. Which, next thing, if you just absolutely can't stand subtitles. Also, RUN.  But maybe stop being so damn 'Merican, wouldyja?

The (initial) twist here is that the woman stuck in the chamber with her cross-between-HAL-and-Siri computer buddy, can't remember anything. Which, as you can imagine, is the whole key to getting out. Reviews say the tension is excellent and if the premise gets stretched a bit, it all works together, especially when the lead performance is as good as it is.

So if you've been feeling bad about being cooped up in your house for the last oh, say, year, just watch Oxygen and think to yourself "it literally could be worse, way way (way) worse."

All for the purpose of entertainment (and possibly a bit of mental health).

Out  Today!
Watch  Netflix
The Trailer | 1 hr 41 mins | N/R | 🍅: 95%

Spiral: I picked the most serious looking picture of Chris Rock I could for this one. Because even though Rock is a wickedly funny guy, this is not a funny movie (or at least intended to be). I emphasize, this is not a spoof, this is not some elaborate gag. This is a legit, real life "omfg that's so disgusting, who even comes up with this stuff, they're so disturbed, but like, here, please take my damn money, cuz I live for this shit" SAW movie.

Which, if you're a SAW fan, you can be, I dunno, I guess relieved? Although not sure relief is what you'll be feeling when you watch a dude decide between tearing his own tongue off or getting hit by a subway car - and that's just the opening scene. So yes, the gruesomeness is intact.

What's different is that this is a "reboot" that tries to give the movie a little rinse off and maybe some modern relevance. See, previously mentioned jokester Rock (who produced the movie and is credited with the overall idea) is a cop, and apparently the only "clean" one in the whole dang building - he helped convict an officer who murdered someone and to other cops that was... a bad thing? Anyway, the tongue guy was a cop too, and the whole thing was retribution for some shady shit he did.  More of these cop killings happen and Rock becomes increasingly stern faced the more involved he gets. Oh, a few other wrinkles: this ain't Jigsaw from the OG franchise offing these badge holders, this is a new copycat killer - but instead of a little doll on a tricycle, their calling card is a severed pig head. Of course. The other fun bit is that Samuel L. Jackson plays Rock's dad, and he used to run the police department. Which you can bet plays a part, otherwise Jackson would just be in the movie for his cursing abilities. Which like, ok!

Does all this add up to anything but basically another SAW movie? Reviewers are kinda split, but the general consensus is not really, but it's probably better than SAW 2-8?

Wins. Take 'em where you can get em people.

Out  Friday
Watch  Theaters Only
The Trailer | 1 hr 33 mins | R | 🍅: 54%

NOTABLES
(from top, left to right)

The Green Knight - One of the movies I was most stoked on last year is finally coming out (in theaters). A new take on the Arthurian story of Sir Gawain and the Green Knight, with Dev Patel as Gawain.

Stillwater - this one looks... odd. Stars Matt Damon, feels like a Clint Eastwood movie, has the story of a Lifetime movie, and is directed by the guy who made Adam Sandler's The Cobbler (ok, ok, he made Best Picture winner Spotlight too). 🤷‍♂️

Venom: Let There Be Carnage - sequel to the Spider-Man"less" story about an anti-hero symbiote. This time we get his big nemesis, uh, well, see above (played by Woody Harrelson).

The Last Letter From Your Lover - classic two time period romance, sorta a la The Notebook, starring Shailene Woodley, Felicity Jones and a couple hunks. Based on the book.

What's In Theaters +

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