Resolute in my lack of resolutions.

Jan 05, 2022

"It's not like you have a husband,
unless you're married to Jesus."

PINNED: this newsletter started as a way to highlight movies coming to theaters (see: the name). Then, "the bullshit" happened. And I started featuring movies in theaters, VOD or streaming (see: the +). Point is, if there's a movie worth checking out, you'll probably find it here.

You know those auto-made "photo / video collections" things that your phone spits out every now and again? Yeah, I quite enjoy 'em. They're all cute and bring back great memories to the fore of your mind, or random fun times with friends. Except in my case, strangers.

See, I'll be watching the newest one with a twinkle in my eye and then randomly pops in Keanu Reeves lookin' badass on a motorcycle, inserted without so much as a warning. It's odd. But it's because I make all the photo collages for this newsletter on my phone (it's faster) and I never bother to go back and delete the screenshots.

Now, I of course could just remove the photos from the memory videos, but instead I like to pretend all the actors are my friends. Oh geez, remember that ski trip?! That was amaaaazing. And *nudge nudge* that time Leonardo DiCaprio showed up. 😀

It's really quite sad, tbh. But do I judge you for your odd behaviors? No I do not. *harumph*

...well, at least not to your face.

Extra Credit Movie(s): There aren't really any opportunities to push your movie watching grade into the A++ territory this week, but maybe you want to get a head start on likely Oscar nominees. If you've been reading, you might already have a sense of what they'll be, but if not, take a gander at this Variety recap. The one you may not be familiar with is the Japanese drama Drive My Car, which is getting incredible reviews. The basic premise (based on a short story by author Haruki Murakami) sounds very simple - an actor / director, who recently lost his wife, hires a young woman to drive him during a production and their relationship helps him deal with that and other traumas - and yet has produced an incredibly well liked movie. Only in theaters, but be aware when you pass by it on streaming (I'll try and remind you as well).

THE 355

Good intentions. We all have 'em (well, most of us). And this is the time of year when people are especially focused on creating resolutions to improve themselves, or maybe even the world. But intentions, are not actualities. I don't mean to dissuade you from yours, but the likelihood of keeping a goal of never eating processed sugar again is basically fucking zero - mostly because ice cream exists. And the world is hard, and ice cream makes it (momentarily) easier!

And so it goes with making movies sometimes. Jessica Chastain (who stars and holds producer credit here) has talked about how she came up with the idea for The 355 on the set of one of her previous films, X-Men: Dark Phoenix. She apparently jammed with director Simon Kinberg (who helmed both Dark Phoenix and this) and they thought yes, there should be more female led action / spy movies akin to Mission: Impossible. A thought with which many of us would agree! But what I think is implicit there is that ideally these movies should be also be, well, good. Or maybe not good, but at least considered enjoyable by its audience. Take Red Notice, the Ryan Reynolds / Gal Gadot / Rock action flick; not considered a great movie by critics and yet seems to have been well liked by fans - backed up by the fact it has become Netflix's most watched movie ever.

Whiiiich brings us to the actual movie at hand. Now, there are yet to be any reviews (already not a good sign), but if you know anything about the unspoken rules of the studio release patterns, an early January release portends *ahem* poorly for any positive critical assessment, and usually box office receipts as well. It is of course not guaranteed - e.g. I remember working on Cloverfield, which was released on January 18th (of 2008!!), and that was successful from every possible angle.

But go on, watch the trailer and make your own assessment and see if you think this rises above anything but a "yeah sure, why the hell not," streaming choice at 11:07 PM on a Saturday night after your partner has passed out on the couch*  because you two took far too long to decide on what to watch. Or maybe you think I'm being unfair and this looks the same as every other big action movie to make stupid amounts of money over the last decade, save the gender variance. And hey, then by all means.

Oh, and as for plot, the gist seems be to something akin to "secret spy stuff - prevent World War 3 - computers! - face punch - blah, blah, blah - backstabbing plot twist - more shin kicks - smarmy quips - fin." Which to be honest, is basically the storyline of every single M:I movie.

*but do you know what never falls asleep? Ice cream.

Vibe: action stuff

Out   Friday
Watch   Theaters
The Trailer | 2 hrs 2 mins | PG-13 | 🍅: TBD

(called out from top, left to right)

Liam Neeson called and he wants to tell you he's here to punch more people in the god damn face. Well, he didn't so much as call, as he decided to star in yet another action movie where he gets to press his 69 year old knuckles against a stunt person's jaw. I mean, hey, no hate here. Even if there may be some disinterest in the final product.

PS teeeeechnically the title image above should read "Trailer!" cuz so far we only have the one this week.

What's In Theaters +

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