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Feb 16, 2022

"What the fuck is the internet?"

PINNED: this newsletter started as a way to highlight movies coming to theaters (see: the name). Then, "the bullshit" happened. And I started featuring movies in theaters, VOD or streaming (see: the +). Point is, if there's a movie worth checking out, you'll probably find it here.

Paramount just renamed itself. To what you ask? To Paramount. Huh? Exactly.

See, this isn't the movie studio Paramount that changed its name, but the media company formerly known as ViacomCBS that owns the movie studio (as well as MTV, Comedy Central, BET, VH1 and yes, CBS) .

We can all agree ViacomCBS is a silly name, but it's a corporate entity so the renaming of it is kind of, I dunno, also a bit silly? Sure it's trendy for large corporations to rename themselves - see: Google becoming Alphabet, Facebook becoming Meta - but whereas those two wanted to dissociate from the products they have since grown beyond, (formerly known as) ViacomCBS is looking to leach off the brand love they think one of their subsidiaries carries. They've already done it multiple times by renaming Spike TV to Paramount Network and rebranding CBS All Access to Paramount +.

This focus on the Paramount brand is not new, not even close. When I worked at Paramount... the movie studio, I remember numerous discussions of "what Paramount meant" to consumers. The consensus amongst the average marketing employee was that people didn't know or care what a "Paramount movie" was, they just cared about the movie. And that that notion held true for almost all studios outside of Disney / Pixar (A24 and Neon have their own thing going a bit now too). But there was an insistence by some that it did have meaning, in a way that would help the movies in some way. I fell in the former camp.

I'm already giving this name change too much attention, because as I said, the average person will not, and does not need to, care. I'm just annoyed that when I say "I worked at Paramount" I'll have to clarify, no, not the streaming service, no, not the TV channel, no, not the New York based conglomerate, yes the movie studio.

But all this does play into conversations I've been having over the last few weeks where people have mentioned that HBO Max is their preferred streaming service. I found it curious as the initial take was that Max had screwed up by being late to launch and cheapening the beloved HBO brand. In fact, Max already did what Paramount is now attempting with their movie studio; suck off that brand halo teat. But when I ask why everyone likes HBO Max more, they never mention things like the company's ethics, messaging or anything about the brand in particular, they just say some variation of "they have the stuff I want to watch." Hell, I talked to my barber yesterday and she said, verbatim "it has all the newest movies." Clearly, it does not have them all, but the perception that it does, or the ones that she wants to watch, brings her back. She did add she also has all the other streaming services too, just that Max is her preferred.

Everything I'm mentioning is anecdotal of course, and even if you did brand testing and the like, it doesn't really matter when the real indicator of success is viewing and subscribers. And based on recent numbers, HBO Max is doing juuuuust fine. Which indicates Warner Media's decision to put all of their movies from 2021 on Max the same weekend they went to theaters might've been a good one. Because again, people aren't subscribing to HBO Max for "HBO Max," they're subscribing for the content on HBO Max. Or to put it another way, whereas consumers will pay more for a white t-shirt with a Nike swoosh on it vs a plain white t, people here just want the damn shirt.

Now, has Warner screwed themselves by training people to expect "all the movies" to be on Max right away? Dunno! But give it a year and then we can check. Cuz numbers don't lie! (that's just people).

Extra Credit Movies: Didn't highlight two movies that released last weekend, but still wanted to give 'em a shout. First one is another from Steven Soderbergh that went straight to HBO Max; it's a techno-thriller called Kimi. Stars Zoë Kravitz where she may or may not have overheard a murder while reviewing audio from an Alexa like device. Because Soderbergh doesn't seem to make bad movies, reviews are solid.

Other one is the teen drama The Sky is Everywhere on Apple TV +. It's a music focused fantasy"ish" story about a young woman whose sister dies, and while dealing with that, falls in love with a new guy AND her sister's grieving boyfriend. Also some decent reviews, if people saying it'll be most liked by it's intended younger audience.

UNCHARTED

Uncharted is a movie based on a video game series (same name), which itself was inspired by Indiana Jones. But the games weren't just based on cinema, they essentially tried to be cinema, with solid storytelling, excellent voice actors and impressive visuals - they just happened to let you take control every so often; they're often lauded as some of the best games ever made (can attest, played the four core ones and writing this is making me all nostalgic for them).

So even if the vast majority of (all?) video game to movie adaptations are shite, you could imagine there'd be some hope here. Especially considering it has legit stars in Tom Holland (Spider-Man) and Mark Wahlberg partnering up. But while it definitely looks more competent than most, in part due to budget and casting, the critical consensus is that it's mostly too unoriginal to inspire the same love people had for the games.

That's not to say it won't be enjoyable for many, as Holland is preternaturally charming and it's definitely got that National Treasure / The Mummy vibe going if you're looking to satisfy that adventuring itch while scratching your ass.

And even if it's not surprising it's not going to win any awards, it is a bummer, because as mentioned, the base is so strong. I remember the story from the fourth game being legitimately moving, and that's the game where they mostly pulled from here. For people who've played the series, they may come in with more weight (see: Holland doesn't quite fit the main character Nathan Drake) and expectations, but for those ignorant, I'd think of it as a modern day Indiana Jones knock-off and start your decision tree there.

Vibe: a movie based on a movie based video game

Out Friday
Watch Theaters
The Trailer | 1 hr 56 mins | PG-13 | 🍅: 40%

DOG

Channing Tatum had a dog. Her name was Lulu. He loved Lulu very very much. But as we all do, Lulu died. Whereas many of us may pen a loving social media post to honor our friend (though he did that too), Tatum decided to make an entire movie which acts as an ode to his friend. He also took it as an opportunity to direct for the first time (along w/ producing partner Reid Carolin). The movie they made is called, Dog.

Hollywood. It has its perks. 🤷‍♂️

The movie itself is not based on Tatum's personal pet, although the movie dog does share the same name as the real life dog. Instead, it looks kinda like Turner & Hooch, the 80's classic (?) starring Tom Hanks, except they're not cops, but former members of the armed forces - i.e. it's a buddy comedy where one of the buddies happens to pick up the poop of the other (although that may be 48 Hours as well, can't remember). It follows the well worn trope of two people creatures who very much do not like each other at the outset, go on adventures, get into some trouble, have some laughs, and by the end, may have just learned a lesson or two.

One thing you can be sure of, is that Lulu will not die at the end. That's because they literally tell you that in an a trailer. Sure, it's a spoiler, but as someone with a partner who would rather have all their fingernails removed slowly with a pliers than watch a movie where animals get hurt*, it's a savvy move. Can't say how good the trip is going to be, but since it takes place along the shores of the west coast, you can bet it'll be pretty, from hulking sea stacks in Oregon to winding roads through beautiful Big Sur. Oh, and yes, Tatum will most certainly take his shirt off.

*you think I'm exaggerating. I am not exaggerating.

Vibe: must love dogs, but not Must Love Dogs

Out Friday
Watch Theaters
The Trailer | 1 hr 41 mins | PG-13 | 🍅: TBD

THE CURSED

I caught this last year "at" Sundance (quotes because there was no Sundance proper, everything was streamed and a friend nabbed a pass). It's a decently made gothic-like horror movie that is a lil' twist on werewolf movies. It's decent if not exactly the most exciting thing I saw in 2021.

Although I will say the beginning part, which sets up the whole "curse" the movie is titled after, is quite well done. A stereotypical patriarch from the 1800's does not take kindly to the Roma (aka the less-preferred moniker Gypsies) passing through his area and decides to murder them - whiiiiich comes back to bite him in the ass. Kinda literally.

It's only playing in limited theaters, but if you've got a hankering for some murder death kills and it's showing in your area, have at it friend.

Vibe: where man is more dangerous than beast - well, kinda

Out Friday
Watch (Limited) Theaters
The Trailer | 1 hr 52 mins | R | 🍅: 80%

(called out from top, left to right)

Nope - doesn't seem like movie title, is movie title. Next one from Jordan Peele!

The Adam Project - Ryan Reynolds doing a modern 80's style sci-fi movie where he partners with his younger self and dead dad. #feels Coming out soon on The Flix (March 11).

Jurassic World Dominion - a second trailer which brings together crews new and old.

Deep Water - you get to see why Ana de Armas & Ben Affleck started sleeping together in real life with this naughty lookin teaser. Also *ahem* coming soon (March 18th).

Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness - a second trailer that shows shit keeps getting weirder for our marvelous wizard.

Chi chi chi chip 'n Dale, Rescue Rangers! Come on, you know the theme song. And if you click through to view whole list, you'll get to see a trailer for a live-action version of the 90's cartoon from Disney and... The Lonely Island?? Yup, the I Just Had Sex and Jizz in My Pants guys (don't forget Jack Sparrow!).

Oh, and didn't include in the list, but since it showed a few things not seen before, telling you about the more ad than trailer Warner Bros released for all their superhero movies coming out this year. You should enjoy if that's your thing.

What's In Theaters +

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