Anybody want to be my assistant?

Mar 16, 2022

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn,
is just to love and be loved in return."

PINNED: this newsletter started as a way to highlight movies coming to theaters (see: the name). Then, "the bullshit" happened. And I started featuring movies in theaters, VOD or streaming (see: the +). Point is, if there's a movie worth checking out, you'll probably find it here.

In what is certainly a sign that things are turning around in the world, a movie where Nic Cage stars in his greatest role yet, as he plays... Nic Cage, is currently sitting at 100% positive reviews on Rotten Tomatoes.

I mean, surely this is a sign that climate change is abating, "the bullshit" will suddenly dissipate faster than the Instagram likes rise on a well manicured charcuterie board post and all world conflicts will resolve into puppy petting imminently.

Cuz hey, if I've learned anything from my time in LA, it's that if you want something to be true, you just have to manifest this shit. And if it doesn't happen?

Just blame your assistant.

This is a movie about a movie. A porno movie to be exact. Porno?? Lol. What are you, from 1979? No, but this "porno" is. Well, at least it was trying to be until it got so rudely interrupted by a murderous grandma. ?????!!!!

Let's back up.

Sex and violence. That's all people wanna see, some will claim. Now, that's total bullshit, but sometimes people do want to see those things, and X will satisfy the desire for both. Although much more of the latter, because this is a horror movie. But! As alluded to above, it also deals with the efforts to film a bit of the ol' hanky panky, the no pants dance, some gland-to-gland combat, riding the bologna pony, bumpin' uglies, making the beast with two backs, a bit of "how's yer father," some aggressive cuddling, playing hide the cannoli....

Sex, they're filming sex. We get it!

...sheesh, fine, *straightens shirt* but you're just ruining your own fun. Yes, a small crew, keenly reminiscent of the one that passed by a certain house filled with far too many chainsaws back in the day, is trying to make a porn on a rural Texas farm. You might be excited to learn you know many of the faces, including: Mia Goth (Emma. High Life), Scott Mescudi (aka Kid Cudi), Jenny Ortega (from the new Scream) and Brittany Snow (Pitch Perfect). Now, don't get too excited, because the actors don't actually make a porn, but it still might get a lil saucy. But then it should get a little weird, and then weirder, and then bloody and gory.

Oh! The the grandma thing. See, the crew is shooting on a farm, yes, but the couple who own it don't know what the kids are up to. 😅 And once the older woman finds out, she doesn't take too kindly to all this sweat inducing activity.

Sounds kinda simple and straightforward, and it might be, but the movie is directed by Ti West, who has filmed a lot of deaths in his day (You're Next, VHS, The House of the Devil), and critics are pretty damn in love with this one. It literally has one bad review (out of 41). Reviews say West is able to reference films of the era this one is set, while not just making a bland copy. The actors apparently help a lot as the movie is also supposed to be quite funny, with Snow and Mescudi getting particular shoutouts. Who knows, could even be more enjoyable than a night of some slap and tickle, sweepin' the chimney...

Goodbyeeeeeee!

...squishin' the gibbly bits!!....

Notes: Funny enough, not rated X. An A24 joint.

Vibe: sex. horror. sexy horror. whore"y" sex.

Out Friday
Watch Theaters
The Trailer | 1 hr 45 mins | R | 🍅: 98%

UMMA

In the second horror offering of the week, it get's a little less "familiar" and little more familial - I mean, at least I hope it does. 🤷‍♂️ 😐

Umma (which as the internet tells me, means "mother" in Korean) looks to be somewhat in the vein of other recently popular scary flicks that incorporate "elevated" themes, like The Babadook, Get Out or Hereditary. To be clear, I'm not comparing quality here, there are no reviews for Umma yet, just that the film is clearly trying to make some points while also attempting to make you pee yourself.

The oversimplified concept here is "don't turn into your parents." It's something many of us at one point or another may have worried about (hi mom! hi dad!). It's just that, most of your parents don't get angry AF after their death and torment you. But with many horror stories, I imagine there's a bit of is this really happening, or has someone just gone bonkers. The "someone" in particular here is the wonderful Sandra Oh, who plays a woman, with a daughter of her own, who receives the ashes of her estranged mother all the way from Korea. Oh is none too happy about it and she starts to clamp down even further on her already sequestered situation with her offspring. You can watch the trailer and see, but it's not too hard to imagine that things devolve and gets more messy as they get further along.

The movie is notable for being directed Iris K. Shim (in her first narrative feature), who by all accounts is the first Korean-American woman to direct a major studio horror movie starring a Korean-American lead (Oh).

Vibe: family trauma - of the blunt variety

Out Friday
Watch Theaters
The Trailer | 1 hr 23 mins | PG-13 | 🍅: TBD

THE OUTFIT

No, this isn't a documentary about Jennifer Lopez's famous sartorial choice at the 2000 Grammy Awards (you think I'm overemphasizing? There's an entire Wikipedia entry longer than most celebrities have).

What it is, is a character driven 1950's gangster noir"ish" story set in 1950's Chicago. But this movie does indeed involve clothing. I mean, I guess all movies do in some respect (that was for you, smart asses), but in this they actually help provide the main setting, and well, the only setting - a suit shop where mobsters trade messages under the guise of getting their wardrobe spruced up.

And since there's only one location, this is the kind of movie that easily could've been a play (but it's a film original). Even more so considering it stars Mark Rylance who is well known for his stage acting. Rylance is one of those really good actors you may know (he won an Oscar for the Hanks / Spielberg movie Bridge of Spies), but usually only after seeing his face. Even with a lot of other really good actors in this (Zoey Deutch, Dylan O'Brien, Johnny Flynn), he's the main event. But the benefit of seeing really good actors up close is the nuance. Subtle gestures matter a lot, or maybe not at all. This is the kind of flick where you'll be wondering whose motivation lies where as the mobsters who come into Rylance's shop try to find "the rat."

It's fair so assume The Outfit isn't bound to see a ton of theatrical love, even as critics say they love the well done acting and well thought out story, but I think it's worth calling out so when you see it streaming, (likely fairly soon) you may give it another look.

Vibe: story over spectacle

Out   Friday
Watch   (Limited) Theaters
The Trailer | 1 hr 45 mins | R | 🍅: 95%

(called out from top, left to right)

A few of this week's trailers prove movie producers apparently have more of a sense of humor than some might've thought.

There's a "final" Sonic 2 trailer, which doesn't play into the above bit, so let's quickly move along to...

...a new Liam Neeson action movie where he is literally so old he has dementia and he can't remember who he should be killing. It's called Memory. But wait, it get's better. It also stars Guy Pearce, who starred in, Memento. Another movie where a dude can't remember shit. I mean...

Then there's a romantic comedy starring Cole Sprouse (Riverdale) and Lana Condor (To All the Boys series) where Sprouse tags along on a spaceship cuz he's in love with Condor, who is visiting her long (long) distance boyfriend on Mars. It's called... Moonshot. 😃

With this week's trends, I'm a little surprised the makers of Watcher, a Hitchcock looking thriller starring Maika Monroe from It Follows, didn't give it a stylized name of WatcHHer. I mean, that would've been ridiculous and stupid, but then I re-read the above...

There's also a trailer for a sequel to Puss in Boots (yeah, from Shrek). It's been over a decade since the original (which did very well!). I can't add to the playlist since it's been tagged as "kid content." It's a solid trailer, so worth a watch. Another interesting thing is it's taken on a bit of the animation style popularized by Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse. and also used in The Mitchells vs The Machines. But noth of those were Sony movies, and this is Universal. 🤷‍♂️

What's In Theaters +

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