Secret, secret, I've got a secret.

Apr 06, 2022

"A boy's best friend is his mother."

PINNED: this newsletter started as a way to highlight movies coming to theaters (see: the name). Then, "the bullshit" happened. And I started featuring movies in theaters, VOD or streaming (see: the +). Point is, if there's a movie worth checking out, you'll probably find it here.

Wanted to first note that the Michelle Yeoh starring, Daniels directed, Everything Everywhere All At Once is going "nationwide" this weekend. I failed to mention it was only in limited theaters two weeks ago when it first released, so if you were trying to see it, but couldn't, now's the time. And I really would. I checked it out opening weekend and it's such a lovely, fun weird movie. Be ready to cry.

Also, depending on your view of where we stand with "the bullshit," in what is an almost hilarious juxtaposition, the second Sonic the Hedgehog movie is coming out this weekend. The timing is curious because in many places, life feels like it's pretty close to back to normal - aka the before times. And the first Sonic was released nary a month before everything went to pot. In other words, the whole experience of "the bullshit" can be, if you so choose, bookended by the film adaptations of the 90's Sega Genesis video game character.

Maybe it's not the reference point most people will use in their heads, but I surely will. Mostly just so I can chuckle a bit after thinking about all the madness stuck in-between.

Extra Credit Movies:

Metal Lords: two high school dudes wanna rock. But they need a bassist and bring in a... girl?! No way! One likes her, the other most decidedly does not. But they have to win the battle of the bands, soooooo. What is gonna happen?! No reviews at the time I'm sending. Streaming on Netflix on Friday.

SONIC THE HEDGEHOG 2

One benefit of writing this newsletter every. single. week. (you're, uh, welcome?) for over four years is when a sequel comes out now, I can sometimes reference . Such is the case with Sonic the Hedgehog 2 - what I will call 2onic for short, since Paramount was too damn chicken (read: smart) to name it thus.

But let's first start with a fun fact: the first Sonic is currently the highest-grossing video game adaptation of all time (caveats: domestic only and not accounting for inflation). Sure, the competition isn't the best, but it's still no small deal. Because if you remember, the reaction to the first iteration of the beloved character in movie form was... not great. Terrible? Horrid? Dreadful? All of the above? I blame the teeth.

So of course that was the crux of what I wrote about then. Because while Paramount halted the release and revamped Sonic's look, it was still an unknown as to how the entire thing would be received by critics and fans (I summed up Paramount's reaction to entering the opening weekend using this fitting screenshot from the first film). As denoted above, the movie did juuuuust fine. Reviewers gave the studio credit for listening and audiences gave it their monies.

But that was all February 2020, "the bullshit" was known only to those paying attention, while the rest of us were mostly unaware of its impending impact. So here we are just over two years later, living in a completely different world. We are a changed people! Right!? ....... Right????

Riiiiiight.

Just as the world is different, because it has to be, it's also kind of the same. Swap "world" for 2onic and the previous statement still works. Yeah it's technically a new movie, what with the introduction of characters like Tails and Knuckles the Echidna voiced by Idris Elba (I swear to satan, the first time I learned how to correctly pronounce "echidna" was when I watched the trailer for this movie - and I STILL OWN all the OG Sonic games), but by and large it looks to be more of the same. And for fans of the first movie, that's not all bad. I mean, that's kinda how the video games did it too; add in new levels, more characters, increase the difficulty of the bad guy, but keep the core of what worked and bam, market the hell out of that shit.

And speaking of the bad guy, Jim Carrey is back as Dr. "Eggman" Robotnik. And in what is maybe the largest different between the films, you'll see way more of the 'stache and bald head look from the games, as well as the evil metal contraptions he builds to defeat Sonic.

Oh, and this time? There will be chaos emeralds. A gold Sonic though? TBD!

But I'm feeling so sure about it that I'd bet your life savings he shows up.

Vibe: not fixing the unbroken stuff

Out Friday
Watch Theaters
The Trailer | 2 hrs 2 mins | PG | 🍅: 63%

AMBULANCE

It's the king of mayhem, the quintessential camera connoisseur, the white-knuckle action aficionado - Michaeellllll Baaaaay!!!

This how I imagine Michael Bay imagines people reacting every time he walks into a room. Or what he grunts as he's working out last night's dinner, or what he whisper shouts as he pours milk from an ever increasing height into his bowl of cereal, splashing it everywhere, making the staff from one of his many mansions clean it up. Point is, I'm making unfair judgements about a man who once printed out a Google images search result for his own name, circled what he considered unflattering photos, handed it to unnamed Paramount execs, who then handed it to me and said Bay wanted these shots "removed from Google." So are these judgements actually unfair? You decide.

But in a shocking twist of fate, Bay has made me eat my words and seemed to calm down a bit in his older age. He's taken a much more muted approach to deliver in Ambulance , sorry, AmbuLAnce, what is sort of a treatise on how the world treats two brothers, one white, one Black who chose very different paths.

Bwahahahahahahahahaha..ha........ha.......................ha

Nah, I'm totally just fuckin' with you. Just as he always does, Bay blows shit up, keeps the fireworks industry from filing chapter 11, adorns his movie with loads of helicopters and angled camera shots as well as re-affirms his love for cops and / or the military.

While I was joking about the Bay being subtle part, AmbuLAnce does involve two brothers, played by Jake Gyllenhaal (the bad one) and Yahya Abdul-Mateen II (the good one) who end up being chased across Los Angeles (see: the LA capitalization in the title ) in an ambulance with two hostages - a cop they shot after robbing a bank and a paramedic keeping him alive (Eiza González).

There's (slightly) more to the plot, but really all you need to ask yourself is, "Do I like the idea of watching Speed, but if it was directed by Michael Bay?"

Vibe: Bayhem

Out Friday
Watch Theaters
The Trailer | 2 hrs 16 mins | R | 🍅: 67%

(called out from top, left to right)

In what has to be the most literal movie title since AmbuLAnce, (so like, literally 30 seconds ago), we have a feature length movie based on the adorable web videos from ten years ago - Marcel the Shell With Shoes On. Jenny Slate voices, yes, a shell who wears shoes. There are already reviews and they're extremely good.

What's In Theaters +

Discussion about this post