"What came first, the music or the misery?"
PINNED: this newsletter started as a way to highlight movies coming to theaters (see: the name). Then, "the bullshit" happened. And I started featuring movies in theaters, VOD or streaming (see: the +). Point is, if there's a movie worth checking out, you'll probably find it here.
Each of this weeks' movies are for fairly specific audiences.
Like, if you sent me a picture of what someone is wearing, I bet I could tell you which movie they're most likely to watch.
Wait, no, I'm not asking you to creepily snap and send me pictures of strangers' 'fits. That would be weird.
Just go read the overviews please!
Extra Credit Movies:
Emergency: a fresh looking comedy with commentary. It's in theaters this week, but streaming next so I'm going to do a full feature then. In the mean time, you can peep the trailer and read the reviews. Playing in LIMITED theaters this Friday (streaming on Amazon Prime next week).
The Valet: remake of the French movie where a Hollywood star fakes dating a valet as a cover up - stars Eugenio Derbez and Samara Weaving. A few reviews out and so far they're split, but doesn't seem like it'll be anything more than a diversion good for a chuckle or three. Playing on HULU this Friday.
DOWNTOWN ABBEY:
A NEW ERA
This movie is PG. PG people!
And why is that at all surprising, you ask?
Because Maggie Smith is about to slay some motherfuckers with that acid wit of hers. Get the body bags ready. ⚰️
As for the rest of the movie? I mean, it's inevitably going to be as soft as that fluffy Teddy Ruxpin you used to be huggin' on when you were a wee one. It'll have that same stilted dialogue and stiff upper lip too. I'm joking! It's the British, it's supposed to be stilted!
Now if I've upset you by making jest of a now beloved franchise, you're probably carrying your Downton Abbey Fan Club Membership Card - for those unaware, it's like a vax card, but instead of verification of inoculation, it states "I Sir / Madame [insert name here] verify on Julian Fellows' life I have dispatched all seven seasons of the greatest TV known to humankind, as well as its follow up movie." PBS stamp and all - Which is great, because it'll be required to enter the theater and view A New Era. It's less for you, the attendee, and more for theater owners so people don't walk out exclaiming "da fuq I just watch??" and demand a refund.
Because this film picks up quickly after the previous one, requiring that you're aware of all the hushed whispers about Lady Mary as well as the undying commitment to perfectly polished silver as shown by Downton's staff. I, unfortunately, am card-less, as I only watched until the end of season three, when that death happened.
*moment of silence*
But go on you devotees, you don't need my stamp of approval to spend time with your favorite friends, you already have PBS's. Cheerio!
Vibe: right-o chap
Out Friday
Watch Theaters
The Trailer | 2 hrs 5 mins | PG | 🍅: 77%
MEN
This is a bit of a more is less kinda movie. As in, the more men there are, the less you think of them.
But come on, we all know the metaphorical scales are tipped way way (way) towards men in terms of reprehensible behavior on this earth. So if we "all" know it, why make "a horror movie about a sense horror" in which a woman (played by Jessie Buckley) is trying to escape in the aftermath of the death of her husband, but is instead, constantly surrounded by men who increasingly make her feel uneasy by their presence - compounded to us, the audience, by the fact they're all played by actor Rory Kinnear.
Ummmm, I guess you'd have to ask director Alex Garland (the director of Ex Machina / Annihilation and writer of 28 Days Later / Sunshine)! But maybe don't, because Men is also a less is more kinda movie. As in, the less you know going in, the more you may enjoy your viewing experience. Because it's a film that, as stated by Garland, begs for subjective interpretation. So to learn too much, can muddle what your experiences bring to what you see. But get your google fingers ready for post-viewing.
Now if this all sounds like too much thinking, this probably isn't your movie. Which in a sad twist of the inevitable, many people who could use a think on this topic, probably won't see it. But that doesn't mean those of you interested shouldn't!
Just be prepared to be a bit unsettled (a lot?).
Vibe: a thinking *ahem* person's horror movie
Out Friday
Watch Theaters
The Trailer | 1 hr 40 mins | R | 🍅: 84%
CHIP 'N' DALE:
RESCUE RANGERS
This movie is not only likely to be better than you're expecting, but there's a solid chance you come away from a viewing saying it's like good good.
And you would have the Jizz in My Pants guys to thank for that.
????
Yeah, you know, the I Just Had Sex crew.
?!?!
Come oooon, as if you're not familiar with the cocaine riddled Great Day.
......
Still nuthin huh? How about the guys who Threw It On the Ground??? *crickets chillin' on crickets* The Lonely Island guys people!
Whatever. You don't technically need to know who's responsible for this hair-brained adventure, I'm just trying to help. Because upon hearing there's a hybrid live-action / animated movie based on the 90's Disney Saturday morning cartoon about crime solving chipmunks, you may be a bit trepidatious.
But in a delightful turn of events, a movie that was inspired by Who Framed Roger Rabbit (and features a cameo by the big footed hare) has also been able to nail the whole "toons live in our world" schtick. But in a very of-the-times angle, the animated show you knew and loved (if you're 30+) and upon which this is based, actually happened. So that means its stars are real too - which basically allows for any and all animated characters to exist in this world (expect looooots of fun appearances).
In some senses it's kind of a... sequel? I guess? I mean, Dale and Chip (sounds weird, doesn't it?) will be back solving crimes so yeah, it's a sequel (kinda). And sure, it's inevitably not going to feel as fresh as the 80's hit it's borrowing from, but it'll bring that modern flavor and self-referential style we've all come to... love? When it's done well that is. And critics say Andy Samberg and John Mulaney do successfully embody a fractured friendship in Dale and Chip (now I'm just doing it to annoy), respectively.
Oh, I might caution though, that even if it's based on a children's cartoon, the movie definitely looks to be made for the adults who were children, vs their now children. Get it?
Vibe: p-p-p-p-p-p-leeeeeease Eddy
Out Friday
Watch Disney +
The Trailer | 1 hr 37 mins | PG | 🍅: 79%
(called out from top, left to right)
Get your daily dose of...
Sexual empowerment, with Good Luck to You Leo Grande
Genre pushing rom-com snark with Bros
Overly expensive, but pretty looking mysteries, with Spiderhead
Novel dramatization, with the second trailer for Where the Crawdads Sing
Introspective indy romance, with Cha Cha Real Smooth
Delightful quirk, with Brian and Charles
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