Oh the lies we tell ourselves

Jun 29, 2022

"The dress is for sale.
I am not."

PINNED: this newsletter started as a way to highlight movies coming to theaters (see: the name). Then, "the bullshit" happened. And I started featuring movies in theaters, VOD or streaming (see: the +). Point is, if there's a movie worth checking out, you'll probably find it here.

I was going to write something about how successes in Hollywood are everybody's friend, but then how failures are more ostracized than a nerd in an 80's comedy. Buuuuut, it got cut for time.

Maybe next week?

Until then...

Extra Credit Movies:

I forgot to mention some movies last week. Specifically the new Beavis and Butthead and Netflix's Kevin Hart / Woody Harrelson comedy. Sorry about that! But I did this time. Sooooo... we coo'? Coo'.

The Forgiven. The next adult-focused satire from John Michael McDonagh (The Guard, Calvary), starring "names" Ralph Fiennes, Jessica Chastain and more. Reviews say there's some to like here, maybe just not enough? Playing in LIMITED THEATERS this Friday.

The Princess. A combination of the influential action movie The Raid, The Princess Bride, and female empowerment? I mean, yeah, kinda! No reviews yet. Streaming on HULU this Friday.

The Man From Toronto. It's Kevin Hart and Woody Harrelson. One of them is a trained killer, and one of them, is not. Guess who be who. Reviews are pretty bad, but whatever, it's your life. Streaming on NETFLIX now.

Beavis and Butthead Do the Universe. Dumb dudes, funny movie. Or so say critics. Streaming on PARAMOUNT + now.

Hallelujah: Leonard Cohen, A Journey, A song. A doc. You can guess what about. If you're curious, you might be want to poke around a bit more, cuz reviews are quite good. Playing in LIMITED THEATERS this Friday.

MINIONS:
THE RISE OF GRU

The minions were something of a phenomenon when the first Despicable Me was released in 2010. And with good reason, they're fucking adorable and stupid-funny. And funny because they're stupid.

Like sure, Steve Carrell as "supervillain" Gru was the focus from a marketing standpoint, but we all knew, including Illumination (the animation studio responsible for the little yellow guys), that the best parts were all the toon-y lunacy of Kevin, Bob, Stuart et al. So in their vast wisdom, or like, a desire for a lot more money, Illumination eventually made a prequel titled simply, "Minions" (as well as a buttload of short films). The straightforward titled movie went on to make even more money than any in the main series. I mean, give the people what they want, amma-right?

While that film's story detailed the minions pre-Gru, this tracks how they became involved with the not-all-that-nefarious world take-over...er. Starting when he was just a wee lad of eleven (it's set in the 1970's).

Think of it like a prologue to the Despicable Me movies. And while Gru is in it (and Steve Carrell still voices, just at a much higher timbre), the movie is titled Minions, so expect to be hanging with the les enfants terribles for much of it. Which is probably what you wanted to hear anyway.

Vibe: takata daboo pretim, subah-doooooo? <-- that is minion speak for "more of the same, and so what?"

Out Friday
Watch In Theaters
The Trailer | 1 hr 27 mins | PG | 🍅: 64%

MR. MALCOM'S LIST

Should you feel bad for watching the romantic exploits of the (mostly) rich?

......

Well don't expect me to answer, that's for you and your imaginary shoulder friend, Judgy McJudgerson, to decide. But if your combined response is anywhere near, "uh ya no," you're probably going to swoon over Mr. Malcom's List. But you probably knew that, because you already love Netflix's Bridgerton and you were wondering if just maybe they're both set in the same universe. Regretfully, I am here to inform you, that they are not.

But while the two sweeping-romances lack a story connection, they run in parallel with their setting (early 19th century England) and the what-took-us-all-so-damn-long? aspect of "colorblind" casting. I use quotes not to denigrate - not in the slightest - but to point out that the term which has become the moniker for casting actors without regard for their race, is somewhat misleading. Because it's not like we all suddenly become unaware of an actor's skin color, it's just that like, we don't care. In a good way. Just like how we don't need to know how Harry Potter can wave a stick, say some silly words, and lightning bolts come streaming out. Or how White Walkers can live in such freezing weather with nary a parka. Brrrrr. In essence, it is a bit of fantasy. Because two hundred years ago in England there were plenty of racial issues (just as there are today). But this story isn't focused on that - in fact, it goes even further than Bridgerton, which acknowledges race (but only slightly), and doesn't address it at all - it's focused on a woman, sorry, a Lady, Julia (Zawe Ashton), who is seeking revenge on a man, Mr. Malcom I presume (played by Sope Dirisu), whom she believes humiliated her by not seeking her hand in marriage - simply because she did not meet all the requirements on his "list." Ugh. The nerve! Thus she recruits a (poorer) friend (Freida Pinto) who she believes can entrance the eligible bachelor and then wham!, have her friend drop her list right on top of Mr. Malcom's stupid broken heart. Or at least that's how she plans it. Dun dun dunnnnnn.

Am I getting a bit too into it? Maybe. Do you really need to know much more? Not really. That's because these stories are a lot less "omg, are they gonna kiss?!," and a lot more, "omg when and how?!"

Fun Facts: much of the same cast (Gemma Chan was replaced by Ashton) and director Emma Holly Jones filmed a short in 2019. Oh, the movie is also based on a 2009 book by Suzanne Allain (who also wrote the screenplay).

Vibe: Bridgerton-adjacent

Out Friday
Watch In Theaters
The Trailer | 1 hr 42 mins | PG | 🍅: 81%

(called out from top, left to right)

You could sub-title this week's Trailers! section, "Making a Comeback," and it'd be quite fitting.

So I did.

In this week's edition of Trailers!: Making a Comeback we have...

...George Clooney and Julia Roberts in a long awaited (?) repairing.

...the Sanderson sisters. Better known as the witches from Hocus Pocus. And now, nearly thirty years later, Hocus Pocus 2.

...(in the most literal comeback of them all) the twelve boys and their coach who were rescued from a cave in Thailand. Their story will be dramatized in Thirteen Lives, directed by Ron Howard and starring Viggo Mortensen, Colin Farrell and Joel Edgerton.

...an entire film genre - the whodunnit. Although one could argue it's already been back, See How They Run maybe just solidifies it.

...Zooey Dutch as a faux-influencer who gets caught in a lie and has to figure out a way to well, come back from it all. It's called Not Okay.

...someone who wasn't wanted back at all. That would be Tim Roth, who plays a former tormentor of Rebecca Hall in Resurrection.

What's In Theaters +

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