TBD

Aug 10, 2022

"That is the whitest white part of the eye I've ever seen.
Do you floss?"

PINNED: this newsletter started as a way to highlight movies coming to theaters (see: the name). Then, "the bullshit" happened. And I started featuring movies in theaters, VOD or streaming (see: the +). Point is, if there's a movie worth checking out, you'll probably find it here.

You know on Black Friday how people try and shove their fleshsacks through a doorway at the same time fifteen other people are also trying to cram their bonebags through that same space? That's basically the movie release schedule these last two weeks.

In large part because it's the "end of summer" for the major movie studios (but clearly not the actual end of summer, as indicated by my need to make multiple outfit changes in a day due to my shvitzing) so movie theaters are bereft of any big releases for a while. Thus you have a ton of movies hoping they can attract your attention since Marvel and the others already shot their shot. And while this time period is usually associated with schlocky action movies, there are aren't any coming to theaters this weekend, but don't worry, Netflix's got you (see below).

It almost makes you wonder why Warner Brothers didn't just say "sure, why the hell not" and toss their 90 million dollar superhero actioner Batgirl at the end of this month. But they didn't. Instead, they cancelled it out right. As in, no streaming launch, no shelving it until some later release date. Just straight dead. It's an uncommon move in an industry where even when everyone involved knows the movie is a massive turd pile, they still release it onto an unsuspecting public (gross). Hell, I worked on the movie that almost killed M. Night Shyamalan's career, The Last Airbender. That movie was baaaad. And that's after they had already cut out the scene in pre-release the version I saw where Aasif Mandvi straight punches a fish. But it still opened to $40 million dollars. Yay marketing? 🤷‍♂️

But while I have empathy for and can only imagine the very shit week all the people involved with Batgirl are having, I am somewhat impressed with Warner's decision. Mind you, it comes in the midst of the overall merger with Discovery, and the head of Discovery is now the head of WB too, and thus it's probably much easier to toss a movie in the trash you weren't in charge of approving, but still. There are of course a bunch of factors here - yet to be spent marketing budgets, tax write offs, pissing off the talent involved, scaring off potential future talent. It's a lot. But in many other industries if you feel like you have a bad product, or just one that won't make you the money you want, you don't sell it. But it's very very rare for a (basically) finished movie not be put out anywhere. Not even a shoddy VOD release.

Now, this all kind of presumes or at least leans towards the fact the movie was even that bad. But we don't know, and may never know. But the move does feel telling. Yet Batgirl wasn't the only movie Warner Bros. Discovery CEO David Zaslav decided to can. He also approved the removal of six HBO Max "originals" (Superintelligence, The Witches, An American Pickle, Moonshot, Locked Down, Charm City Kings), and it sounds like they'll be locked in the safe too. It might just be that this is all due to the merger and money shuffling, but it could also indicate this is how things are going to go as media companies increase in size and become more and more "corporate" and somewhat ruthless about how they manage their finances.

What's funny here is that this is the same Warner Bros. that pissed off Hollywood when the previous regime decide to shift all of its theatrical movies to become day and date releases on HBO Max. How this effects movie makers wanting to work with WB will be hard to know until well into the future. Hell, by that time, HBO Max might not even exist. I'm not kidding.

Oh, btw, so all the "sources" I check out their indicated Bodies Bodies Bodies would be releasing wide last weekend. It wasn't, only NY / LA. But it is releasing wide this week. I'm sure of it. Like 99.7%.

Extra Credit Movies:

Secret Headquarters. Owen Wilson is a superhero whose son, along with his friends, finds his secret... lair. Only a few reviews, but not terrible so far. Seems like a good movie to watch with your ten year old. Streaming on PARAMOUNT+ this Friday.

Laal Singh Chadda. An Indian remake of Forrest Gump starring (and produced by) Aamir Kahn. Some reviews, but have to imagine if someone is interested, it won't much matter. In LIMITED THEATERS this Friday.

MACK AND RITA

It's... a body swap movie. Nuff said? Well almost. Key here is that the 70+ year old body the 30 year old woman becomes trapped in looks like Diane Keaton, because it is Diane Keaton, but not like in the movie is she the Diane Keaton, she's just played by Diane Keaton so of course she looks like Diane Keaton cuz she is Diane Keaton. Aaaaaanyway.

You'll get... Ms. "Gloves Are for Lovers" continuing on with her late career goofball trend (think the recent Book Club) in a story that looks like it might fit better into a 6-8 episode run on Freeform. Hallmark? Either way I can't imagine it'll impress critics, or much of anyone for that matter. Then again Keaton is pretty damn likable.

Vibe: a face lotion commercial stretched into a whole movie

Out Friday
Watch In Theaters
The Trailer | 1 hr 35 mins | PG-13 | 🍅: TBD

FALL

It's... one of those super-basic-concept thrillers where people get stranded somewhere. This time it's two trained climbers who become unintentionally ensconced on top of a massive (as in twice the length of the La Tour Eiffel massive) tower with no cell phone signal, a tragic backstory, a few random items and a nasty looking buzzard circling not unlike that guy who hovers behind you in the grocery when all you're trying to do is decide which god damn yogurt you want, CAN YOU JUST LIKE BACK OFF GUY? OK?! fuck...

You'll get... that tingling sensation in your groin, same as when you yourself look over the edge of something stupidly steep, except your ass will be planted firmly on the, well, maybe not ground, but seat in the theater. You'll also get a probably better than you might imagine, but still kinda cheesy B-movie where you know what's coming for the most part. And that's the fun of it.

Vibe: naaaah, nah nah nah, hell nah

Out   Friday
Watch  In Theaters
The Trailer | 1 hr 47 mins | PG-13 | 🍅: 58%

EMILY THE CRIMINAL

It's... the descent into criminality of a woman who starts breaking the law because she's in debt, but figures out that she might just like checking off "self-employed" on the ol' IRS forms.

You'll get... yet another awesome turn from one of the more fun actors working today, Aubrey Plaza. Reviews say her darkly acerbic yet charming manner is central to a film which uses topical themes to push forward what is essentially a solid thriller.

Vibe: wish fulfillment for people who question why they spent tens (hundreds?) of thousands of dollars on a college degree which led to them to working for "Bob I went to Vasser"

Out Friday
Watch Theaters
The Trailer | 1 hr 37 mins | R | 🍅: 92%

SUMMERING

It's... a coming of age movie where a group of girls entering middle school happen upon a dead body. Hmmmm, sounds familiar. 🤔

You'll get... a movie that looks to be trying real hard to be a modern and gender flipped Stand By Me. But per critics, ends up becoming a bit... I won't say vanilla, because vanilla is delicious, but maybe bland or forgettable? Even a bit trite? Either, way, it didn't work for most people. Guess it's not easy to make poignancy out of  transition.

Vibe: feels like when you meet someone at a party, talk pleasantly for a bit, part ways, but then you run into them again and oops, you (re)introduce yourself and they respond "we've already met, we just spoke for 15 minutes while grabbing ice"

Out   Friday
Watch  In Theaters
The Trailer | 1 hr 27 mins | PG-13 | 🍅: 38%

DAY SHIFT

It's... Jamie Foxx and Snoop killin' vampires.

You'll get... Jamie Foxx and Snoop killin' vampires.

Vibe: Jamie Foxx and Snoop killin' vampires.

Out Friday
Watch Streaming On Netflix
The Trailer | 1 hr 53 mins | R | 🍅: TBD

(called out from top, left to right)

Apparently it's "Duos Week" in Trailers! town.

Our first pairing is... Camila Mendes from Riverdale and Maya Hawke from Stranger Things, doing their best Clueless / Heathers combo in Do Revenge.

Followed by... Anya Taylor Joy and Ralph Fiennes as skeptical restaurant guest and murderous chef respectively in, The Menu.

Not to be outdone it's... Brendan Gleeson and Colin Farrell gettin weird again with their buddy Martin McDonaugh (who directed them in In Bruges) in a story about two friends where one of them doesn't want to be friends no more in The Banshees of Inisherin.

Don't forget... uh, this beautiful couple in The Triangle of Sadness, another send up satire from Ruben Östlund who directed Force Majeure and The Square.

And finally there's... the fine combo of Sigourney "we don't nearly enough of her anymore" Weaver and Kevin Kline doing the comedy-drama thing in The Good House.

What's In Theaters +

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