What's In Theaters +: Stars, they're just like, hot balls of fire. 🌞
"Nobody, calls me chicken."
PINNED: this newsletter started as a way to highlight movies coming to theaters (see: the name). Then, "the bullshit" happened. And I started featuring movies in theaters, VOD or streaming (see: the +). Point is, if there's a movie worth checking out, you'll probably find it here.
On a little sojourn to the land of lakes, ehs, mosquitos and (over?) abundant niceties, so no random thoughts this week. And this week's movies descriptions will keep this edition fairly short as well since they both deal in expectations where I shan't need to explain too much. Explain? Love to.
One is the metaphorical equivalent of a stereotypical "bad guy" whom upon first gaze you question cuz you make assumptions, but then they help an elderly woman pick up her spilled groceries, but then look back at you w/ a knowing sneer that almost makes it seem like they fleeced the unsuspecting shopper, so now you don't know what to think!!
And the other, the movie version of a human that'll stridently walk up to your friend Expectations, look them deep in their eyes and produce a grin so large your unsure how the hell the sides of their lips aren't tearing apart, combined with a hand shake so vigorous that as they walk away the only thing you can muster in response is, "they seemed... nice?"
Extra Credit Movies:
End of the Road - Queen Latifah and Chris Bridges (Ludacris) are bro / sis driving cross country with Latifah's kids and they come upon a bag of money. They take it. They shouldn't have. No reviews yet, but it's definitely a "programmer" where people watch based on factors well outside critics' takes. Streaming on Netflix Friday.
Medieval - It's getting a wide theatrical release, which is kinda odd since it's a story about a beloved Czech folk hero. Guess producers assuming people might be into a straightforward looking brutal old action movie? Cept the intended dad audience is far more likely to give a watch at home. /shrug A few reviews, but nothing much to go off of besides the two known leads (Ben Foster and Michael Caine). Playing in theaters Friday.
BARBARIAN
You've seen horror movies. So you know what you're not supposed to do. And so has Tess (Georgina Campbell), the lead in Barbarian. But unfortunately for Tess, she's now in a horror movie. Sux.
But what can you do? Oh right, not the stupid shit people have traditionally done in other schlocky horror movies. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Dumb-ass behavior had a good run and produced a lot of tropes for us to make fun of, characters to yell at for their asinine decision making and a lot of money for studio execs who gave teenagers a place to risk their first hand hold. But we've seen it, we want something different. Turns out the filmmakers of Barbarian are apart of that collective "we" and are trying to give us just that.
But messing with expectations works best when you don't what's on the other side. Aka the more you know, the less fun it may be when you poop your pants at all the scary-berries 😱🫐 in store (just me?). Honestly, reviews are some of the best I've seen for a horror movie since Get Out or an Ari Aster movie. Not trying to over-inflate, but the excitement from critics is palpable as they say the film is fresh, original and scary. That "and" would seem like a foregone conclusion since this is horror, but with some of the other recent "elevated horror" entries, the emphasis has been a bit more on theme building than terror, which can sometimes lead to a sacrificing of face covering moments.
So if you're like me and enjoy watching other humans be maliciously terrorized... on screen, go get yourself a ticket and we'll discuss after.
K? K.
Vibe: nope, but not Nope
Out Friday 9/9
Watch In Theaters
The Trailer | 1 hr 42 mins | R | 🍅: 93%
PINOCCHIO
(DISNEY'S)
It's... Pinocchio.
But as directed by the dude (Robert Zemeckis) who, probably most pertinent to this discussion, made The Polar Express. Sure he made a ton of other movies you know and love: Forrest Gump, Back to the Future 1,2,3, Castaway etc. etc. But based on the trailer it looks like we're in overabundance territory here, the same one Zemeckis has occupied for much of the last 20 years. The land of motion capture and effects filled movies akin to Express. (see: A Christmas Carol, Beowulf, The Witches).
And in the least surprising casting decision of all time, Zemeckis asked his buddy T. Hanks to play the original G, Geppetto. If it feels like I'm leading towards a slight, I'm not, at least not directly. Zemeckis is clearly within his rights to take old stories and jazz hand the shit out of them. It probably gives him lots of pleasure (and money). As for Hanks, I'm pretty sure whomever created the nicest man to ever live said to him when he was born, "Now look, I'm going to give you an amazing movie career and an almost annoying amount of charisma. You'll be loved by many and a star for many (many) years. But when I say it's time, I'll call upon you to play Geppetto and you can't say no. Nope, no arguments. Cuz I get it, with all the movies you're going to do it might feel almost too on the nose, but it's what I want, so fucking deal with it. Now go make Big, I can't wait for that shit."
So yeah, it's Pinocchio.
But not that Pinocchio.
Vibe: more More MORE SAME Same same
Out Thursday 9/8
Watch Streaming on Disney +
The Trailer | 1 hr 51 mins | PG | 🍅: TBD
(called out from top, left to right)
Let's do another theme week shall we? I'm thinking - Stars, you know 'em, you... love 'em?
Key & Peele back together again as demons in Wendell & Wild, the next movie from the director of Coraline and The Nightmare Before Christmas.
Anne Hathaway, Anthony Hopkins and Jeremy Strong (Succession) in a family drama from James Gray whose title, Armageddon Time, makes you go hmmmmm.
Lily James (and Emma Thompson as mom!) coming off her success portraying Pamela Anderson, dives back into the rom-com sub genre that is brit-love (and one I just made up?) in What's Love Got to Do With It? where she follows a friend - for a project - involved in an arranged marriage.
Eddie Redmayne and Jessica Chastain doin that Oscar (chasing?) work to retell the story of a nurse who murdered hundreds, and the other nurse who helped stop him, in The Good Nurse.
Harry Styles in his second leading role, plays a man, married to a woman, who has an affair with another man.
Mila Kunis, in maybe the most meta title, stars in The Luckiest Girl Alive, a cheeky looking Lifetime-esque story of a woman who has everything, including... a past! (seriously, how is that not the tagline??)
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