Do not read this email.
Let's see how good at following directions you are.
THE QUOTE đŹ đŹ
âIâm Mary Poppins, yâall!â
hint: in fact, not said by Mary Poppins
THINK THOUGHTS đ
Um, excuse me, what the hell are you doing? I told you not to open this email. And yet, here we are, your beautiful eyes dancing across my delightful discourse. Itâs almost like you thought Iâd have something extra special for you and that the subject was a trick. But hah! While I truly wish that was the case, I do not have a treat for you.
All I have is the fact Iâve now been writing this newsletter every Wednesday for 8 years! Damn thing can wipe its own non-existent ass, but it still can write itself. Some dayâŚ
Bitw, the first ever edition looked quite different. Lot less of me pontificating too. Itâs almost as if my penchant for verbosity has a way of creeping in no matter my intentions.
Ahhh, self-acceptance, itâs a gift we give ourselves.
Anyway, the real reason you shouldnât be reading this is because you probably have some dishes to do or seconds to be shoving down your gullet. So go one, get to it. Iâll still be here. Forever apparently.
NEWSY BITS đž
Jon Watts Says He Canceled âWolfsâ Sequel Because He Can âNo Longer Trustâ Apple As A Partner - brief background: Watts co-directed last three Spider-Man movies (i.e. three of the biggest movies ever) but took a break to direct Brad Pitt / George Clooney in Wolfs, which was supposed to go to theaters, except Apple swapped to streaming extremely last minute (boo), but announced sequel (yay!). Except not yay, because they forgot to tell Watts. Oops. So then he gave their money back and said f this, Iâm out. Itâs another example of the (seemingly) increasing, or at least on going, friction between filmmakersâ desire to have their stuff go to theaters and streamers to to get people to sit in their jammies and watch their shit at home. - The Playlist
EXTRA CREDIT MOVIE(S) đ
Our Little Secret - Lindsey Lohan does another Xmas movie, except this time, itâs an Ex-Xmas movie. TL;DR Lohanâs new boyfriendâs sister is dating Lohanâs ex-boyfriend and they end up at the same house for the holidays. They gotta keep it quiet so Lohan can impress her bfâs mom, Kristin Chenoweth, aka The OG Galinda from Wicked. And to keep the plot alive. The reviews say Lohan is charming, but itâs no Hot Frosty. Streaming on Netflix Now
Sweethearts - suuuuuper, like suuuuuper-duper predictable, but still charming looking rom-com about two friends - a lass and a lad - who need to break up with their high school baes so they can get laid in college. The reviews are better than you might think, mostly based on the strength of the leads Kiernan Shipka (Mad Men, Chilling Adventures of Sabrian) and Nico Hiraga (Booksmart). Streaming on Max Now
Dear Santa - the Farrelly brothers (Dumb and Dumber) make their first movie together since Dumb and Dumber To (still the best sequel name ever) and itâs a Satan, Santa mix-up kids movie? Ummmm, ok! (Big) Upside is Jack Black is Satan. The reviews are⌠not good, but there are very few in number. Streaming on Paramount + Now
NOTABLE NEW RELEASE(S) đ & đş
Moana 2
You know what Moana is. Everybody knows what Moana is. Because nearly every human on earth (you think Iâm exaggerating, and of coooourse Iâm exaggerating silly, but itâs still a shit ton) has experienced the joy of Moana at this point in the timeline. We know this on account of the fact it was the most streamed movie of 2023 - seven years after it was released in theaters.
Itâs like all those amazing jokes I tell that no one laughs at initially, but surely will at some point in the future. A slow burn.
Although itâs not exactly like no one saw Moan in 2016, the damn thing did make nearly $650 million. But still, a billy is what seems to make a true phenomenon these days.
And whether it was Moanaâs adorably earnest, yet fumble-y nature or Dwayne âThe Rockâ Johnson belting âYouâre Welcome,â itâs very much become a phenomenon. So it makes total sense Disney slated the sequel for⌠Disney +?? That canât be right. *checks notes* Oh, phew, itâs not. There wasnât even going to be a sequel, it was going to be a series on Disney+ ?!?! I mean look, series are cool and all, but thatâs a massively silly decision in my mind. Kids can watch something on repeat, but give âem basically a six hour movie and theyâre gonna discover their belly button can make noise by booping their finger in it more than 6 times a minute on account of their shortâŚ
âŚ.what was I saying? Oh right, Disney came around to the correct financial decision and release a proper follow up in theaters. The only problem is, it seems they may have gotten a tad discombobulated in the olâ switcheroo, because reviews are not nearly as praiseworthy as they were for the original. It sounds like itâs just as amazing to look at, but that the story is kinda looking for a purpose.
Which doesnât mean it wonât make that billy to affirm its phenom status, but it might mean it wonât have the longevity. But then again, I wouldnât put it past Moana, she did âdefeatâ an entire island that spewed lava.
Oh, and yes, AuliĘťi Cravalho is back playing Moana as is Dwayne Johnson as Maui. Who, in the midst of promoting Moana 2, is also shooting the live-action remake of Moana (one). But thatâs a story for another email.
Out: Today
Where: Theaters
Details: 1 hr 40 mins | PG | đ : 67%
THE WEEKLY TRAILER PLAYLIST âŻ
Lilo & Stitch - they made sure Stitch looks like the animated version. Point: Disney!
Wallace & Gromit: Vengeance Most Fowl - only the second feature film in the 35 year history of the clay duo.
The Bad Guys 2 - they went good, but now they have to go back to being bad! Oh noez!
Sonic the Hedgehog 3 - the screenplay that got Jim Carrey âto come out of retirement.â
Six Triple Eight - Tyler Perry takes on historical drama that tells the story of a battalion of nearly all Black women who helped manage the backlog of nearly 17 million(!!) pieces of mail during WW II.
Bring Them Down - looks super dark, apparently is, yet also quite compelling (mostly thanks to the leads).
Parthenope - premise seems to be âhot girl makes dumb dudes slather over themselves.â Feels a bit anachronistic to the now and while A24 thought it âdeservedâ a theatrical release, âthe critics,â many of whom have already given their opinion, might beg to differ.