How many abs can a snowman have? ☃️
More than you or I can, that's for damn sure.
THE QUOTE 🎬 💬
“Do you have any idea how fast you were going?
Funny enough, I was just talking to my friend about that.
Our speedometer has melted and as a result it's very hard to see with any degree of accuracy exactly how fast we were going.”
hint: it involves many forms of transportation
THINK THOUGHTS 💭
Is it weird if I tell you that there are two separate movies I’m highlighting this week that feature ridiculously jacked snowmen? I mean, at this point in the timeline, probably not. The oddities in this life continue to abound.
And yes, this means the holiday deluge has started strong and started early. These two movies are pretty much exactly what I was referencing a few weeks back when I said it almost doesn’t matter what a movie is, as long as the media company has a theme they can wrap it in.
And it’s hard to know if people are choosing to watch these movie(s) for the movie itself, or because it happens to tickle a little place in their brain that’s been triggered by the time of year. Hell, the viewer probably doesn’t even know. And they likely don’t even think about it. They just go “that looks fun” and click play / buy ticket. A little harder if you’re choosing to go to the theater, but still, very much a “vibes” kinda weekend.
Which is where we seem to be at with most things these days, we’re very much a vibes-driven culture it seems.
NEWSY BITS 👾
Denzel Washington details a retirement path that includes a role in 'Black Panther 3' - he says he only has a few more movies left, and BP3 is one of them - NPR
Mattel Mistakenly Lists Porn Site on Packaging for ‘Wicked’ Dolls - it’s not funny, cuz ya know, “the children",” but yeah it’s funny - NY Times
Amazon Is Shutting Down Freevee, Its Ad-Supported Video Streamer - this was not the least bit unexpected by people paying attention to these types of going ons, but points to streamers focusing their efforts and creating more tiers within their single effort. Though there does seem to still be room for smaller streamers, if they’re targeted in their content. See next story below… - Variety
The Streaming Wars Didn’t Kill the Little Guys. In Fact, They’re Thriving. - talks about how hyper-focused platforms like Hallmark (Xmas movies), Shudder (horror) and BritBox (lots of chuffed knackered detectives) - NY Times
EXTRA CREDIT MOVIE(S) 📝
Emilia Pérez - a musical about the head of a Mexican drug cartel who is also trans and enlists a lawyer to help them transition to a woman so they can fade away? Sounds like it might be hard to do well. And yet the reviews say the trio of Zoe Saldaña, Selena Gomez and Karla Sofía Gascón (as the head of the cartel) do the damn thing and turn director Jacques Audiard’s vision into something pretty different, but also pretty rewarding. Streaming on Netflix Friday
NOTABLE NEW RELEASE(S) 🎟 & 📺
Hot Frosty
Sounds like a cocktail, or a sex act that when described at parties people go “awww, wtf, no waaaaay!”
Turns out, just the most straightforward, and yet bonkers movie title ever. Because this movie is literally about a snowman (frosty), who is attractive (hot).
And because he is a snowman, he himself can’t get too hot, lest he melt. Which also explains why he’s shirtless much of the movie. But wait, can he melt the heart of the woman who turned him into a real life boy in the first place??! I guess you’ll have to watch and find out (no you fucking won’t because of course he will).
Now, you might be asking the real serious questions, like, if the couple ends up engaging in a “hot frosty” after their love is affirmed, will snow dude’s “carrot”… melt? I think the best course of action here just to not think about it.
In fact, you can not think while watching this entire movie, and yet still critics say this is one of the uncommon situations where the absolute ridiculousness of the premise actually lends itself to something better than you’d expect. But that’s in large part because everyone involved knows exactly what they’re creating here.
And btw, those involved include Lacey Chabert, former Mean Girl and now apparently former (or still is?) the queen of Christmas movies over at Hallmark. But that Xmas stronghold done fucked up so she seems to be moving her talents over to the Netflix and their Cinematic Holiday Universe (a real thing). As for hunkmaster 3000, it’s Dustin Milligan from Schitt’s Creek (see above).
Out: Now
Where: Netflix
Details: 1 hr 30 mins | PG | 🍅: TBD
Red One
Honestly, the biggest takeaway from this movie is going to be that during the film’s promotional cycle, Dwayne Johnson confirmed he pisses in bottles while making movies. Which, like, sure, do your thing, but considering he does it to save time, I’m just really curious how far away these on-set bathrooms are. And like, does he wash his hands after oooor is an assistant toting hand-sanitizer at all times? And does he just aim his… pebble? think Johnson calls it his pebble (Rock, pebble. you get it)? or does it just go right in, because pissing on the bottle seems to defeat the whole purpose? And are people around such that they could see or…. Ya know what. We’re getting off track here. I’m getting off track here. Dude’s a grown ass man and he can relieve himself where he chooses.
But I have to say, that entire silly story is likely more interesting than much of what Johnson and his co-stars, including Chris Evans (Captain America), have put together for your holiday viewing. It might seem like there’s a potentially compelling movie behind the concept - Santa (aka Red One) gets kidnapped and his bodyguards (led by Johnson) need the “best tracker in the world” (Evans) to help them find him as they battle Krampus and other naughty listers. But critics are pretty harsh on how lacking in any real joy the movie has.
It sounds like it’s the definition of a “product.” Albeit one that is very expensive and has lots of fancy wrapping paper enveloping it, yet is still a present for which you wish you had the gift receipt. 🎁
Out: Friday
Where: Theaters
Details: 2 hrs 2 mins | PG-13 | 🍅: 37%
THE WEEKLY TRAILER PLAYLIST ⏯
Mission: Impossible - The Final Reckoning - so like, have we reckoned before or? Regardless, lots of shots of Cruise huckin’ himself off and into stuff.
Mufasa: The Lion King - I don’t know man, shit’s feeling pretty forced…
Bridget Jones Mad About the Boy - been a minute, but journaling in one’s diary is a life long endeavor it seems. As is trying to get laid apparently.
Captain America: Brave New World - a semi-interesting trailer from Marvel, if in style only. The Red Hulk looks kinda fun (and mean) too.
Nutcrackers - Ben Stiller hasn’t had a lead role in a movie in quite while. Especially a fairly straightforward looking comedy. But safe to say, he’s *ahem* still, Ben Stiller.
The Amateur - never push a good guy too far. you hear that people! you never know what he might do! Spoiler alert: he’ll kill people. Bad people maybe, but killing is still a no no. Even if they murdered your wife? Yes, even then.