Sure, why the f#@k not?
Don't worry, I'm not being crass, I'm just passing along "the mantra."
Hi! Do you love reading What’s In Theaters +? Think some of your friends (or even enemies) might too? Why not share the love.
So, um, remember last week when I talked about “you.” If I wasn’t clear, I was making fun of myself and how I create a narrative that doesn’t exist.
I should’ve clarified. I wasn’t have a crisis of confidence or anything, I just liked to communicate how I think and why I make certain choices. Kind of letting you inside my head a little bit. Which was rude of me not to ask for permission. Apologies! Next time I’ll ask for consent, because this dome cavern can be a weird space sometimes. But aren’t they all? I mean, I would, if you’d let me, 100% crawl into your skull and skulk about with a teeeeeeny tiny flashlight, exploring the nether regions of your amygdala, maybe squeeze your cerebrum a tad, make you slap yourself a lil’ bit during a Zoom call. Tee hee! 🤭 It’d kinda be like that movie Innerspace where Dennis Quaid ventures inside the body of Martin Short. Except less zany, because no one is as zany as Martin Short. No one.
But I did enjoy all the responses last week’s edition engendered. I talk to each of you every week, but really it’s me talking at you, so I love it when you talk to me. I’d honestly love it if this whole thing was more of a conversation. I’m not suggesting you start your own newsletter and we start corresponding that way… or am I? Cuz that sounds like an amazing idea. Wait. Can we be pen pals?! I haven’t had one since 3rd grade when we wrote letters to our sister city in Épinal, France and Adeline never wrote back. 😩 You can tell me about all the movies you looove, what you did last weekendddd, we can gossip about boys, girls, whatever you’re into, trouble at work. Anything!
Ahem. Or. You can just keep passively reading like you are wont to do.
Ya know, whichever.
NEWSY BITS 👾
Netflix Advertising Tier Hits 5M Global Users Six Months After Launch; Company Tells Virtual Audience At Its First Upfront That One-Quarter Of New Subscribers Opt For Ad Plan - [long-ass headline, but noteworthy for what it shows about how people want to watch, specifically that 1/4 are opting for ads] - Deadline
Startup Telly Plans to Give Away 500,000 Free 4K TVs This Year. The Catch? The Sets Have a Second Screen That Constantly Shows You Ads [sure, many people will say “yuck,” but many others will say “free TV? gimmeeee”] - Variety
EXTRA CREDIT MOVIE(S) 📝
Robots - It’s two charming enough actors (Shailene Woodley and Jack Whitehall) doing a low-ish budget looking dark-ish rom-com (so many ishes) where they have robots do their bidding, until they don’t wanna anymore. No reviews yet, but it ain’t about that life anyway. Playing in Limited Theaters & Streaming Friday
NOTE: The Starling Girl expands this weekend.
It’s FAMILY the FAMILY second FAMILY to FAMILY last FAMILY movie FAMILY in FAMILY the FAMILY never-ending FAMILY franchise FAMILY ….. FAMILY wait, FAMILY motherfucker, FAMILY it’s FAMILY gonna FAMILY be FAMILY a FAMILY trilogy?! FAMILY to FAMILY end FAMILY the FAMILY series FAMILY that FAMILY is FAMILY about FAMILY what’s FAMILY that FAMILY word FAMILY again? FAMILY Oh FAMILY yeah… FAMILY family!
Are you exhausted? Cuz I’m exhausted. I was gonna shoot for the 51 times the franchise has uttered the word over the past nine films - one that becomes increasingly meaningless the more people that tried to murder Dom Torreto’s clan actually join it - but sometimes you have to know when to quit. A lesson I’m sure to go unlearned in the executive halls of Universal Studios as long as this franchise keeps making money. But what incentive do they have to learn, when fans keep showing up?
And if you’re a fan, this one’s for you. I mean that literally, because at this point no else knows what the hell is happening story-wise. The movie starts with an actual scene cribbed directly from Fast Five (considered the best and beginning of what the films have become) with a tiny, well actually kinda big because he’s 6’4’’, tweak - the insertion of Khal Drogo himself (Jason Momoa).
“Momoa, at the very least, is something of a hoot; his knock-off Castor Troy routine gives the usual blockbuster tropes a fresh shot of guilty pleasure.” - from the Fast X review by Chron.
And while Momoa is the latest baddie to threaten the crew, you can imagine a world where he’s chumming it up at the ol’ “family” BBQ a film from now. Because sure, why the fuck not? And “sure, why the fuck not?” has kind of become Fast’s mantra at this point. Space cars… sure, why the fuck not? Skyscraper to skyscraper car jumping… Sure! Why the fuck not!!? People returning from the dead (multiple times!)… Suuuure, why the fuck not??! Introduce long lost family members of former enemies just so we can rehash our best moments and push the story forward… Sure. Why the fuck not? At this point the series is basically a soap opera with lots of fisticuffs and explode-y stuff…s. Or a superhero movie with cars. Whatever it is, it’s here (again) and it ain’t leaving for a while (ever?).
Out: Friday
Where: Theaters
2 hrs 21 mins | PG-13 | 🍅: 57%
Are you over, I don’t know… 29? Then there’s a decent chance you know the beloved original starring Woody Harrelson and Wesley Snipes and thus also don’t know who the heck Jack Harlow is. Which is totally crazy, because he’s the second best (white) rapper ever after Eminem!!! Says… Jack Harlow. Easier way to describe him is the dude who took Fergie’s most enduring hit (I know that’s not saying a lot, but relatively of course) and turned it into a hit for himself. Why did he get passed the rock to take over for Harrelson? Because while he can rap hard about acting tough, he’s also the same kid who made these rap videos in high school. In other words, he can squeeze the cheese when he needs to. And if you’re gonna try and hustle some ballers, you better be able to play the part. I’m focusing on Harlow because’s the main “name” in the cast, but his co-star Sinqua Walls looks more than capable, but TBD if he’ll be as unforgiving as Snipes was.
Now, one can assume this remake was made for those <29, even though they may not know the original. Which is kinda odd, because while the title was provocative at the time, I imagine it’s a little less so when this dude just won this year’s dunk contest. It’s not as if race is any less of any issue than 1992, but the discussions may have changed. So here’s hoping they keep it interesting (but don’t expect it to top the OG). Oh, and that they also include the Jeopardy sub-plot, cuz that shit was amazing.
Out: Friday
Where: Hulu
1 hr 41 min | R | 🍅: TBD
If you know what in the world a “dowager” is, you should definitely see this movie. Actually, on second thought, maybe that’s exactly why you shouldn’t see this movie. Because if you have delicate sensibilities - and no judgement, but I imagine someone who can define the word dowager is more likely than not to have them - you may take umbrage with the macabre turn this story is bound to take. Because director Paul Schrader is nothing if not a lover of sternly twisted stories.
Schrader is the guy who wrote Taxi Driver and Raging Bull for Martin Scorsese earlier in his career, directed and wrote plenty other films in his middle years, but has had a later-life I guess you could say, resurgence?, of writing and directing kicked off by the Ethan Hawke led First Reformed, which was as fucked up as it was critically lauded. His last movie, The Card Counter, starring Oscar Isaac as a gambler with a dark past didn’t get any happier and don’t expect the tenor to change with Master Gardener, which stars Joel Edgerton as a *see title* who also happens to have… a dark past. I’m not making fun, just noting that Schrader likes to tread on the darker side of humanity if you know what I mean.
But his films don’t have a tendency to be fast or flashy either, more of the slow-burn variety, so best to wiggle your butt deep into your seat and let the story take over and give your take after it’s all said and done, because there are bound to be themes and scenes which may make you squirm a little. But lucky for you, you love taking my advice and your hindquarters are sure to be firmly planted.
Out: Friday
Where: Limited Theaters
1 hr 47 mins | R | 🍅: 68%
You don’t have to tell me, but you’re into stuff. Sexual stuff. I know, that’s private, but I also know it to be true. And while you may not tell me, you probably tell other people. If you’re like one of the two (and only two) characters of Sanctuary, you may talk about it with your dominatrix (or dom). Again, not something I need to be privy too, but understanding that you’re into things, may help you enjoy the things this movie gets into.
Without giving too much away (the worst) this movie involves sex, but may not be about sex. Because like the old quote that literally everyone ascribes to Oscar Wilde, but I could find no evidence of him saying it, goes… “Everything is about sex, except sex. Sex is about power.” Which basically is just a fun way to sound provocative and smart at parties. But what in the actual fuck does that mean. Hard to know if the original architect of the quote can’t tell us their intent, but the way I see it is the point being made is that we’re far more driven by sex than we realize (or care to admit), but when we’re actually entering into the act of it, there are so many dynamics at play, the act itself often becomes intertwined with outside motivations.
Which is exactly where you’ll find our two protagonists, a sex worker and an heir to a hotel fortune, in a sea of motivations. Their desires, both sexual and non, will drive what reviews say is an incredibly electric - and unpredictable - dynamic led by two actors (Margaret Qualley and Christopher Abbott) who have loads of chemistry to satisfy your attention for 96 minutes.
So don’t get hung up on the sex stuff too much (although feel free to get turned on by it) because remember, we’re all into something.
“What makes Sanctuary such a salaciously enjoyable slice of snack-sized fun is how it argues that some people have more to give than they would ever know without the right person to take it from them.“ - from the Indiewire review of Sanctuary
Out: Friday
Where: Limited Theaters
1 hr 36 mins | R | 🍅: 96%
So many trailers this week. It’s also as if it’s the beginning of the summer movie season…
The Creator - original sci-fi with a budget and it’s on a timely subject like AI and it’s from the director of very solid Rogue One and it actually looks it may be good?
Mission: Impossible - Dead Reckoning Part 1 - does the movie have more sub-parts in its title or death defying action sequences? Dunno, but all of them are Tom Cruise approved.
Poor Things - teaser for the next movie from Yorgos Lanthimos who directed The Favourite and The Lobster (both stunners IMHO) as well as The Killing of a Sacred Deer (which I haven’t seen). Expect oddity.
Five Nights at Freddy’s - if you are a kid or have a kid, you know this shit is gonna be huge. (read: it’s based on an incredibly popular mobile game)
Flamin’ Hot - Eva Longoria directs (her first time) the story of how the Cheetos flavor came to be.
Extraction 2 - a full trailer which is basically them just showin’ off more of their gibbly bits (read: action).
Haunted Mansion - a full trailer for the re-invention of the ride turned movie.
My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3 - I guess the rule is if you can make a Mamma Mia 2, you get to make a MBFGW 3? 🤷♂️