The end is just the beginning.
And other circular cliches that only seem like they make sense.
THE QUOTE 🎬 💬
“I can't figure out if you're a detective or a pervert.”
hint: stars the original cinematic Muad’Dib
THINK THOUGHTS 💭
Can we get a big round of applause, please?
👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏..👏👏👏👏…..👏👏…….. 👏
wait, why the hell are we clapping? just because he asked us to?
No my friend, because of this amazing show that we’ve all gotten for free. Well, most of us. It’s probably cost a few people looooots of money.
And here one might’ve thought Succession was the most dramatic story about a company changing hands in modern times, but turns out reality still knows how to write a pretty good script every now and then.
We’re talking Paramount. Still. Because of course we are.
In a turn of events that would’ve been oh so predictable if it had taken place in a classic 80’s movie, yet is somewhat astonishing in this our present, entirely non-fiction day, Skydance, the once and apparently forever suitor for Paramount Global’s bleeding (money) heart, has agreed to merger terms with its object of desire.
As in, they’re actually going to buy the damn thing. Probably. Maybe??
But that was yesterday, we have to go all the way back to Monday for the real juicy bits, when Barry Diller - a man who once ran Paramount Pictures and then years later tried to buy it, only to be outbid by Sumner Redstone, father of Paramount Global controlling owner Shari Redstone - announcing he was keen on taking over his long lost prize. Even after long bashing “traditional media.”
Was the incredibly short time between the news intentional? Was Shari always going to make the deal with Skydance and the Diller situation was a way to get more money? Or was it a way to piss him off because of some long running family feud?
I mean, it’s probably more boring than us non-billionaires might hope and likely “just business,” but maybe because we’ve all watched too many movies and shows, we like to think there’s got to be something going on behind the headlines. Although tbh, the headlines have been pretty dramatic.
And if this really is the end, I sure did enjoy myself. Albeit in a sort of perverse “what the hell is going on” sorta way. But I also felt badly for anyone who might be considering how this might directly affect their job. Because it’s going to, in one way or another. Merger or not. Then again, maybe it’s all hunky dory. What do I know? I’m not “in it.”
Although I do know one thing, I can’t wait for the movie.
NEWSY BITS 👾
‘Inside Out 2’ Out Of This World!: Sequel Crosses $1B Global Box Office; Fastest Animated Movie Ever To Milestone - people know what they like and they like what they know - Deadline Hollywood
EXTRA CREDIT MOVIE(S) 📝
The Imaginary - sort of looks like a similar, if not exactly the same, anime version of that recent Ryan Reynolds imaginary friend movie IF. Except the reviews would seem to indicate it’s probably a bit better?? Streaming on Netflix Friday
Kill - a brutal Indian action movie that looks part Monkey Man, part The Raid and part Bullet Train. The reviews say it’s probably quite a bit better than two of those three and might even stand up to one of them (The Raid) with its relentless blood spurting, bone crunching fights and ability to add something new to the never-ending fight scene genre. Playing in Limited Theaters Friday
Space Cadet - Emma Roberts goes from bartending astro-naught to astronaut-in-training in this comedy that couldn’t look more unashamed of what it is. And we don’t need any reviews to tell us different. Streaming on Amazon Prime Thursday
NOTABLE NEW RELEASE(S) 🎟 & 📺
Beverly Hills Cop: Axel F
There’s no question, or surprise, that this movie looks like straight member berries.
???
Ya. Member berries. You know, the 7,238th genius invention of South Park that explains this exact scenario. Where it’s something that looks like a new thing, but is essentially just that old thing we know and “membah,” so it triggers the substance more addictive than an eight ball soaked in nicotine with a side of meth.
Nostalgia. Street name, The Nosty.
We’re so hungry for those days of yore many of us might not give a damn it’s been 30 years since Axel Foley last tried to charm his way into that art show / country club / board meeting he wasn’t invited to. Which means Eddie Murphy is a 63 year old donning his action movie persona, but we couldn’t care less because he’s Ed-die fucking Mur-phy. And there’s no one like him.
I mean shit, speaking of The Nosty, they did an entire “80’s edit” of the trailer - which btw, got me curious so I searched the old BHC trailers and wouldn’t you know, it they literally used the exact same voiceover lines from the Beverly Hills Cop II preview, and even placed them at the exact same time codes. Talk about member berries.
And look, I’m no prohibitionist, I think people should be able to partake in their drug of choice, lawmaking squares be damned. But it bears being judicious in your intake, because if you aren’t careful, you might find yourself fresh off a couch binge of The Nosty, wandering the streets clad in only your underwear, asking passing strangers if they “member that time Axel Foley got arrested for pissing cops off in Beverly Hills?“
Although if we’re being honest, there’s a damn good chance they respond with, “yeah, I membah.”
Practice nostalgia responsibly y’all.
Side note: the only real question I do have about this movie is… does he wash that jacket?! Because it’s been 40 years and Axel has gotten himself into a whoooole lotta gnarly gun fights with a bunch of rollin’ around on the ground and the like. But his jacket, if somewhat dated, is still looking mighty clean for his breed of hijinks.
Out: NOW
Where: Netflix
Details: 1 hr 55 mins | R | 🍅: 66%
MaXXXine
It’s a movie trilogy, but when put next to each other feels like one of those SAT / ACT questions where you’re supposed to find the pattern. “Did the characters increase by the same factor… was their some alphabetical thing I’m missing? Or…”
Luckily it’s none of that boring “learning” crap. But there is indeed a link. The main one being Mia Goth, who has starred in all three movies, sometimes playing multiple parts (see: X).
But there’s also the fact that each movie in the series has taken inspiration from a specific genre. X was modeled after 70’s slashers like Texas Chainsaw Massacre with a dash of Deep Throat (it was about a porn shoot after all). Where Pearl had its DNA in the technicolor days of old school Hollywood.
And now MaXXXine, which continues the story of…
*spoiler alert, but not really*
…Maxine Minx, who was the lone survivor of X, and is now a successful porn star transitioning into full-on “legit” actor. Director Ti West, who has helmed (plus written / edited) all three movies, places this third outing in the cinematic corner of 80’s sleaze and excess. The good(?) kind.
It’s the sorta movie where if a character was called a "fame whore” by some heckler they’d metaphorically snatch the phrase out of the air and pin it to their mostly bare chest like a goddamn badge of, well, maybe not honor, but pride.
The whole franchise endeavor, which has only taken two years to come to completion, is a fascinating experiment and one that’s actually gone exceedingly well - with critics and fans. This finale is still getting love, but does have the weakest overall reviews, even if it looks to be the “broadest” entry, in that it very much has a vibe. But for a series that essentially started as horror, critics say it drifts from its origins quite a bit, focusing more on a sense of place and attitude than scary moments.
But what hasn’t seemed to change is that Goth kills (literally?) and if things become a bit directionally confused plot-wise, you’ll still always have her as your center.
Out: Friday
Where: Theaters
Details: 1 hr 51 mins | R | 🍅: 75%
Despicable Me 4
Ba da dee dooo. Skibida weeee.
Donna mah pree too. Dunna wah poo.
Poo poo?! Pfffftttt. Bwahahahahah… na?
Na….Ban-na-na?? BA-NA-NA!!!
Seeeh mah gah ya lo. Hee hee heeeeeeee.
If you found my poor mimicry of Minionese even slightly enjoyable, you’ve probably watched “too many” Despicable Me movies and should probably watch this one too.
However, if your face looked more like one of the below…
Weeeeeell then maybe the goofy antics of the little yellow guys with eye(s) that make up at least 33% of their entire mass has worn off on you (or never stuck in the first place).
But when a sixth movie in a long running — and very successful — franchise comes out, you don’t need some dude and his silly little newsletter to tell you much more than, “it exists.”
And thus I am here today to inform you, Despicable Me 4 does indeed, exist.
PS what was that I was saying about people liking what they know?
Out: NOW
Where: Theaters
Details: 1 hr 35 mins | PG | 🍅: 55%
THE WEEKLY TRAILER PLAYLIST ⏯
My Old Ass - if you were a kid, would you ask to make out with yourself if the 40, sorry, 39 year version of you suddenly showed up to hang out when you? This girl would. All I know is, if my adult self was Aubrey Plaza I’d be fucking stoked. Not because of the making out part, because she’s hilarious and awesome, but then again I wouldn’t not… just, never mind. Watch the trailer, the movie looks cool. Reviews say it is.
Trap - the most interesting M. Night Shyamalan movie to come out in a long time (IMHO) gets a second trailer.
Jackpot! - high-concept comedy w/ Awkwafina and John Cena! From Paul Feig! Who directed Bridesmaids! And some other funny stuff! Exclamation pooooooints!!!!!!
Bando Stone & The New World - Childish Gambino, aka Donald Glover, directs himself in a movie where he plays a singer who realizes he has no skills when the world starts to end. Non-fiction?
1992 - Tyrese Gibson gettin’ all serious on us. And it looks like it kinda works in this heist / civil unrest / father-son drama set during the riots post Rodney King verdict.
Afraid - you can’t spell afraid without ai, and you can’t make Afraid without AI, because it’s another movie about, duh, killer AI. Basically M3GAN (produced by the same people), but with less dancing.