Bow to the savior of the 'MERICA Movie
One does not simply describe a 'MERICA Movie.
“I’d like to take his, his face… off”
No grand musings this week. But I’m sure I’ll be back at you with something to scoff at in due time.
In the interim, what I have for you is three different movies to satisfy three very different people, or three very different moods of one person. #mathstuff
Extra Credit Movie(s):
The Devil Conspiracy- I don’t have a ton of info on this one, but kind of “have” to mention it, since it’s getting a modestly legit release. It’s a somewhat odd, and ridiculous, looking fantasy where the Devil battles the Archangel Michael in modern times. There aren’t any reviews, but it looks (to me) like the kind of movie where if you watched, you’d be hoping there was a god, so you could pray to them to help get you out of finishing it. Too harsh? 😬 Playing in Semi-Limited Theaters this weekend.
Saint Omer - a French language movie about a woman, who is an immigrant, accused of killing her 15 month old by leaving her on a beach, and the woman who watches her trial, and the impact the situation has on them both. Reviews are pretty fantastic saying it’s a movie that engages emotionally and intellectually. Playing in Limited Theaters this weekend.
Tom Hanks.
A man who we all know is interminably likable plays an unlikable guy. But because he’s Tom Hanks, we also know we’ll end up liking him in the end. So why even watch the movie then, you ask? Come on, you’ve likely been reading long enough to know it ain’t about the end, it’s whether the end is earned.
But the respect, and tears, of one moviegoer is / are often acquired far differently than another. So if you’re deciding whether you want to watch A Man Called Otto, you should probably start by asking yourself if you’re comfortable watching a movie knowing you’re being manipulated. If not, I’d jump into the dingy of this overview ship promptly. 🚢
But for those of you who love to have your emotions toyed with more than a cat bats around a dead mouse, or a dead bird, or a dead… jesus, cats really are sadistic motherfuckers aren’t they? Anyway. If the above is true, you might be in the right place. Because this remake of a Swedish film has the makings of prototypical Americanization, a bit softer around the edges, a bit less subtle and a lot more seeking of the broad audience.
The story seems to be mostly the same though, that of a retired widower who has lost his reason(s) to live, and is planning his own suicide (something quite exempt from the trailers I might add). But before that can happen, he meets some new neighbors with whom he starts to build a relationship. Again, I could tell you more, but you already know what’s going to happen. Basically.
Out: Friday
Where: Theaters
2 hrs 6 mins | PG-13 | 🍅: 68%
Gerard Butler are Liam Neeson are brothers. Not literally of course. They're more like brothers in arms. Soldiers fighting in the battle to keep ‘MERICA Movies strong and plentiful. You could almost say they’re our modern day Schwarzenegger and Stallone1 - except one’s a Scot and the other an Irishman. 🤷♂️
Now I can’t tell you exactly what makes up a ‘MERICA Movie, it’s more of a feeling. It’s like knowing when some asshole is about to cut you off on the highway, you can just tell.2 But I can say they often are focused on an “everyman” saving the day, which makes people feel like if everything went to shit, they (the viewer) too, could crash land a jet on a remote island without killing everyone, hot-wire phone lines to the talk to their anxious daughter and assure her you're ok, take up guns they've never shot before and hose down an entire group of marauders spraying perfectly aimed bullets. It's the movie going equivalent of watching Muggsy Bogues, the shortest player in NBA history, rip down the court and thinking to yourself, “Look at him, I mean, if that dude can do it…”
It’s not true. It’s #brainbullshitting. But it doesn’t need to true. Fantasy escapism is another aspect that seems intertwined with ‘MERICA Movies. People, mostly men, want to feel like they’re just a superhero in waiting, even though they’re far (far) more likely to be the passenger on the plane than the pilot. In fact, Plane is also the definition of a perfect plane movie, because reviews say it’s just plain enough to be the two hour diversion you need while avoiding that awkward seat mate. Except the airlines probably won’t show it on a plane. Because in Plane, the plane crashes. Have I said “plane” enough?
Never.
So yeah, it’s a Gerard Butler action movie where he saves the day. What else were you expecting me to say?
*Fun Fact* I heard a rumor3 Butler is only doing these types of movies to build up a base for his presidential run in 2028. But he’s not a natural-born citizen you say? Hah! I say! Hah! Because who gives a shit if he’s Scottish, he’s Gerard Fucking Butler and he can do whatever he damn well pleases.
Out: Friday
Where: Theaters
1 hr 47 mins | R | 🍅: 61%
And for our second entry into the contest that is How Blandly Can One Title a Movie… I kid, it’s not the movie’s fault, it’s merely “burdened” with the name of the film of which it is remaking. And to be fair, it’s actually an apt and descriptive title! The big difference being that in this movie the party is being held at the house of a certain LeBron James (context: he produced the movie) instead of a set of vacationing parents. And instead of high schoolers, we have struggling party promoters trying to make some cash - albeit for honorable reasons.
I mean sure I’d like it if the the movie is good, I always do, but without reviews it’s hard to get a read. But honestly, I really only have two hopes for this remake:
that some young kid (but not that young, it is rated R after all) watches and it becomes their favorite movie ever - that is, until they watch their next favorite movie ever two weeks later
that there is a silly and ridiculous dance interlude in the middle of the movie (signs from the trailer point to “yes” on this one Bob).
These hopes spring4 from the spot in my heart where the original carved out it's own little alcove. A movie I haven’t seen since I was a wee one, but remember enjoying thusly. I actually don't really remember much beyond the rad haircuts, the rap sequences and yes, the dance battles. But does a movie need anything more? Not really.
I'm just playing, it needs a dope soundtrack too of course.
*Not That Interesting of a Fun Fact* I literally once ran into Kid in a bar on my way to the bathroom. Or was it Play? I can never remember which is which. And wikipedia is a pure friggen troll on the issue, using the same picture for both entries.
Out: Friday
Where: Theaters
1 hr 40 mins | R | 🍅: TBD
Aaaaand we’re back to multiple trailers to highlight. Woo hoo! I’m excited, are you?
The next Ari Aster (director of Midsommar and Hereditary) movie? Done.
Nic Cage as Dracula? Double Done.
Jonah Hill, Eddie Murphy and Julia Louis Dreyfus spar over racial politics. Yeah ok sure5.
Ant-Man gets tempted by evil super-villain Krang?? I mean, they need to find a plot to fit between the CGI somewhere…
Child birth and rearing get their turn as fodder for psychological horror? Sadly fitting!
Wuthering Heights writer Emily Brontë gets a modern day dramatization of her life? Everybody else is getting it, why not her!
I know he’s still working, but like, take the metaphor will you?
you can’t, these are lies we tell ourselves
I started it
eternal
less topic and actors, more the kinda limp trailer. But still hopeful!