Did you get the memo? đ
In This Week's Edition: Ryan Gosling and Emily Blunt go on a charm offensive, Anne Hathaway returns to her roots and Jerry Seinfeld wants to talk about... Pop-Tarts?
THE QUOTE đŹ đŹ
âI admire its purity. A survivor. Unclouded by conscience, remorse, or delusions of morality.â
hint: I maaaay have featured this movie just last week
THINK THOUGHTS đ
Ah, the corporate memo from the CEO, full of language about âstrategyâ and the âvalue of teamworkâ couched in a manner that makes you question whether they know what those words even mean. Is there really anything more painful to read?
Apparently there is. Itâs called the corporate memo from the âOffice of the CEO.â
?!?
Agreed, what in the actual fuck is an âOffice of the CEOâ? Besides the only logical answer of a physical space in which a CEO of a company would do capital B Business.
Apparently it is also a ridiculous term to describe the new leadership structure at Paramount (Global), who, as you may already know, are in the midst of an ongoing self-sale that is itself becoming increasingly ridiculous. Itâs a moniker they had to think up on account of the removal of their now former CEO, Bob Bakish, who was replaced by a trio of people that will make up this âoffice.â And can I say, they missed an amazing opportunity by not calling themselves the âOffice of the C-3PO.â Ya know, because it sounds like CEO, but thereâs three of them⊠Eh?! Eh?!?! Aaaand moving on.
Itâs almost as if the actual head of Paramount (Global), Shari Redstone - who owns controlling shares in the company - created a situation where no one person could become powerful, or annoying, enough to get in her way of this potential sale. Some real ShĆgun shit right there. Or maybe theyâre creating all this drama in hopes they can use it for a hit show for their floundering networks. đ€
But I doubt it, because these are the same folks who send memos to their employees saying the below at a time when literally everything is in doubt.
âGoing forward, we are finalizing a new long-term plan to best position this storied company to reach new and greater heights in our rapidly changing world. Alongside our many accomplished leaders and incredible teams, weâre excited to take these next steps together. Todayâs strong Q1 earnings is a direct reflection of your incredible hard work, and we ask that you continue to stay focused as we move into this next chapter.â
Like, bro(s), do you not think your employees pay attention to the news? Or do you think theyâre morons? Either way, itâs not helping. Say something meaingful or say nothing. Because people arenât morons and they do understand the turmoil the company is in. And they want to be talked to like adults. Sure, plenty of them are probably trying to ignore it and do their jobs, but now they canât after receiving an email containing that big ball of nothing. Itâs hard not to think maybe a lack of honest and direct dialogue played some part in the companyâs ability to grow to a point where they donât need to sell themselves.
Or maybe Iâm being harsh, Iâve never been a member of âOffice of the C-3POâ let alone a singular CEO. So I donât understand the pressures. But as someone whoâs been on the receiving end of these types of emails, and at this company specifically, I can say my response was often one of extreme skepticism. Because Iâd read the words yet never see the action. So when yet another set of paragraphs full of broad hyperbole slips into your inbox, it doesnât just not help, it starts to hurt. Because you feel like thereâs no real direction or leadership. And without direction, you could wind up anywhere. Including in the arms of a Billy Baby. đ°đ¶
NEWSY BITS đŸ
âThe Lord of the Ringsâ Trilogy Returning to Theaters, Remastered and Extended: re-releases have always been a thing - hell, Titanic has been in theaters more times than all the Avatar movies combined - but there seems to be a concerted effort from larger theater chains and studios, in part because the demand is there (see Alienâs 45th anniversary last week nearly matching the new Boy Kills World box office haul). But the interesting part is why itâs there - not enough âgoodâ movies in theaters? Maybe, but Iâd argue itâs likely more a combination of people wanting a night out post âthe bullshitâ and the proliferation of streaming which has allowed people to watch âanythingâ and build love for movies that they never were able to experience in theaters. - The Hollywood Reporter
EXTRA CREDIT MOVIE(S) đ
Tarot - itâs basically Final Destination with tarot cards. Go for some kills, maybe a few thrills. But donât go for a âgoodâ movie. Although I canât say that definitively, because there are no reviews, buuuuut I also can. Because I watched the trailer. Playing in Theaters Friday
Star Wars: Episode 1 - The Phantom Menace - so that thing I said about re-releases⊠While yâall over 30 may huff and puff and toss off a âwhooooo freakinâ cares, itâs the worst one?!â The kids who grew up on it via streaming - like the huffers did on VHS w/ the OG trilogy - may disagree. #justiceforjarjar. And sure, the reviews are probably the worst of the series (note: The Last Jedi may argue that point), but you canât deny the awesome Duel of the Fates scene. Playing in limited theaters Friday
NOTABLE NEW RELEASES đ & đș
Fall Guy
Any movie that uses a song by Bon Jovi1 is bound to have its tongue planted so far into its cheek the slimy sucker has poked through the skin (editorâs note: uh, ew). That or itâs just Young Guns II.
But Ryan âDean not Beavisâ Gosling has seemingly perfected this charmingly smarmy attitude such that even if youâve seen the bit before and you know itâs careening right towards yer face, it doesnât even matter because itâs done so damn well youâre already asking for seconds before youâve even seen the menu.
Itâs not unlike the the entire action genre upon which Fall Guy predicates its premise. Because weâve everyoneâs seen flipping cars, people jettisoning themselves off buildings or running around while on fire (all those amazing feats that are physical manifestations of our speciesâ hubris) so many times that it feels like the extraordinary is routine. But itâs not, so when we see a version that pops we start to perk up a little bit higher in our plush theater seats.
And I think thatâs where weâre at with Fall Guy. Itâs a lot of elements youâre likely to be familiar with, but performed by people at the top of their respective game - which beyond Gosling include Emily Blunt, who for my tastes, can easily match her co-star in the charisma department, as well as director David Leitch, a former stuntman himself (and advocate for there to be an Oscar category for the discipline) who co-directed the first John Wick and went on to expand his action comedy bonafides, most notably with Deadpool 2 and most recently with Bullet Train.
I could tell you that the movie is about a stunt guy who gets roped into saving a movie star all in order to get âthe girlâ back, and that the movie is (very) loosely based on an 80âs TV show starring Lee Majors, but thatâs not gonna matter much once youâre staring at the screen.
Because itâll all come down to the stuff youâve seen before, done better than you usually see it and whether thatâs enough for you to have yourself a time you wonât forget⊠for at least 36 hours.
Out: Friday
Where: Theaters
Details: 2 hrs 6 mins | PG-13 | đ : 86%
Unfrosted
Iâm not sure Iâd approach this new movie from (first time!) director Jerry Seinfeld as an actual movie.
Well thatâs confusing, considering it is literally a movie.
Yes, of course I know that, but what I mean is thatâŠ
*butts in* Itâs in your newsletter, that is solely about movies! Seriously, this guy, amma right? *looks around at confused onlookers*
Hey, can you like not? For one damn second? So I⊠*sees lips moving, waits*
*begrudgingly closes mouth after harsh side-eye*
Thank you! What I was saying, is that this whole endeavor looks like one ridiculous lark - not really a movie, but a vehicle to cobble together a cadre of funny people to deliver what is hopefully a bunch of hilarious lines. And sure there is the (kinda sorta true, but not really at all) plot of the creation of the Kellogâs Pop-Tart, an idea that has preoccupied (plagued?) Seinfeldâs mind enough that he decided to, at age 70, direct his first moving picture. Foregoing trademarks in the process?
And we pay attention because itâs Jerry Seinfeld, star and creator of one of the most beloved TV shows of all time. And he gets whomever he wants to star in it, because again, heâs Jerry fucking Seinfeld. I mean look at this cast sheet!
Itâs ridiculous. But itâs not just the list of famous actors, everything is ridiculous, including the premise of this movie-yet-not-a-movie. But thatâs kind of the point, isnât it? If youâre even vaguely familiar with his show, you know that Seinfeld can take something so inane and seemingly unimportant, yet turn it into a wild comedic fever dream. Did he do it again with the creation of the blockbuster âfood?â
Guess youâll have to watch and discover for yourself, because this is a Netflix movie and they hate (letting) reviews (out early). đ€
Out: Friday
Where: Netflix
Details: 1 hr 33 mins | PG-13 | đ : TBD
The Idea of You
Notions around age in these United States are, well, letâs just say âlackingâ is being generous. Tag âfemaleâ into the discussion and oh geez, youâre in for a sack of cultural baggage so large a goddamn 747 couldnât carry it all.
But weâre making progress! Albeit (far too) slowly.
One way you can know weâre not quite beyond everything is that Iâm even mentioning anything here at all. Pressures, external and internal, are still omnipresent, so we canât not address them. But this new romantic comedy starring Anne Hathaway, who ends up dating a super famous boy band dude (Nicholas Galitzine from Bottoms and Cinderella) 17 years her junior, is both a testament to advancement and a direct confrontation of some our more insidious conceptions of age at the same time. Merely by existing itâs showing that we care about these stories and that they can get made. But the story itself is still about a woman whoâs dealing with not only the media attention from dating someone uber famous, but that sheâs an âolderâ woman dating someone uber famous. We didnât have these kinds of conversations about Pretty Woman - inside or outside of the movie - even though Julia Roberts and Richard Gere are actually 18 years apart in real life (context: Galitzine and Hathaway are only 12 years apart in reality).
But thatâs a shit ton of heavy discussion for a movie whose goal is to make you all warm and fuzzy inside while youâre hopped up on Ben and Jerryâs. Which is fine, because once you watch the movie, youâll likely forget everything you just read on account of the movie apparently being very successful at bringing said fuzzies (that and our shortened attention⊠squirrel!). Which is a fun return to the genre for Hathaway who actually started her career making you believe in âtrue loveâ via The Princess Diaries. Which, if weâre talking loaded beliefs is a whoooole other piece of luggage.
But weâll save that discussion for another newsletter.
Out: Friday
Where: Amazon Prime
Details: 1 hr 55 mins | R | đ : 86%
I Saw the TV Glow
The grip of television is so great people thought it would ruin (has ruined?) society, but the transformative effects happen at an individual level and Glow is about one such viewer so hungry for connection they get sucked metaphorically into a 90âs Are You Afraid of the Dark-esque show after being introduced to it by a friend.
But the pairâs affection turns toward obsession and they quite literally get sucked into the program. Kind of. Maybe? Itâs complicated. Critics talk effusively about a layered story that centers on self-actualization - with a specific, but apparently nuanced focus on LGBTQ+ identity - and the potentially intense power of media and how that âglowâ reflects back onto ourselves.
Out: Friday
Where: Limited Theaters
Details: 1 hr 40 mins | PG-13 | đ : 88%
TRAILERS! âŻ
Mufasa - people may question why we need a âlive actionâ prequel to the âlive actionâ The Lion King remake. But be careful, because director Barry Jenkins, who also made the Oscar winning Moonlight, may answer if you ask.
Longlegs - another awesomely weird-ass creepy âtrailerâ for the forthcoming horror movie starring Maika Monroe and Nic Cage (still yet to be seen, but here he is heard).
Touch - looks like an Icelandic The Notebook, if maybe slightly less weepy? Eh, probably still pretty weepy.
watch the trailer!