Hi. It's me. 💀💩L Your new writer.
Did you miss me?
THE QUOTE 🎬 💬
“It's almost like the studio couldn't afford another X-Man.”
hint: they got the budget this time
THINK THOUGHTS 💭
He did it. The motherfucker did it. Glen Powell has finally become a legit movie s…
*knock* *knock* *knock*
Eeeeexcuse me one moment folks.
*a red and black figure with a strident nature about them bursts into the email smelling heavily of kittens and strip clubs*
Hey sparkletits, I’m here, let’s do this shit quickly. I’ve got a mega-corporation to sell my soul to. Or, I guess you could say Ryan Reynolds' soul. Lord knows I don’t have one, considering I’m not real. Because if I was, I’d be hucking myself into traffic after everything my Hollywood doppelgänger has put me through. That or running for president. And yet not even existing I still get more play than you… rewind, did you just pause your own email? Because that is the lamest shit I’ve, hey get off me…
*crashing sounds, grunts of a struggle*
Hi everyone, so we’ve just had….
*punch in the nuts followed by elbow to the face with a very high pitch squeal from undetermined party*
…a rude intrusion by a certain comic-book turned movie character whose name rhymes with “Dade Dilson.”
I was worried this might happen if I’m being honest. Ever since he started acting in movies he’s become a bit of an entitled… oh! right! movie star. That’s what I was gonna say about Glen Powell! He’s a legit movie star now after Twistersssssss, or should I say Twister$$$$$, made all that money.
boooooring!! He’s not slutty enough. Plus, I like my men more angsty. And that dollar sign joke was uninspired to the point of embarrassment. Seriously. I think I should be throwing you into traffic.
Hey, avocado head, pipe down wouldya? We’ll get to you soon enough. Sorry y’all. Like I was saying, this wannabe X-Man keeps popping up anywhere and everywhere. I know he’s…
Who you callin’ avocado head you cheap Dawson Leery knockoff lookin’ motherfucker? And wannabe X-man?? Marvel needs me a lot more than I need them right now. Didn’t you see my trailer? I’m Marvel Jesus. And speaking of thirsty, you’re talking trash, but you’ve been on Ryan Reynold’s jock since you started watching re-runs of Two Guys a Girl and Pizza Place on WE: Women’s Entertainment during college.
Let’s take a vote. Who wants me, Deadpool, ya know, the funny one, to take over this email from now on? 3,2,1 aaand yup, I win. You don’t need this guy. You’ve been reading his crappy writing for over seven years. And what has it gotten you? Sore eyeballs and a fly in the mouth from all that yawning I’m sure.
You know I can just turn you off, right? You’re not even the real, fake Deadpool.
*huffy puff*
Fine. But I get to do one Extra Credit Movie. Otherwise I’ll take a shit in your plants.
Fine. You can do one of the Extra Credit Movies. One.
NEWSY BITS 👾
‘Inside Out 2’ Becomes Highest-Grossing Animated Film Of All Time Worldwide As It Skates Past ‘Frozen II’ With $1.462B+ - who knew we’d care about feelings so much - Deadline
Apple Tries to Rein In Hollywood Spending After Years of Losses - this is actually an entire article about streaming and how Netflix is basically just murdering everyone else - Deadline
EXTRA CREDIT MOVIE(S) 📝
Didi - it’s coming-of-age, but from the POV of a 13-year-old Taiwanese American kid in 2008 who can’t figure out if he should be a skater, a momma’s boy or what. Also seems to be a proxy for director Sean Wang. The reviews say it’s that perfect mix between individual and universal. Playing in Limited Theaters Friday
The Fabulous Four - ooh, I choose this one, because it sounds like some movie I’ll get a cameo in where I make a joke about whether Mr. Fantastic can stretch his, you know… Oh shit, Bette Midler’s in this?!? I fucking love Bette Midler. I attribute my diabetes to her on account of all the ice cream I ate while watching Beaches on repeat and sobbing through my mask. Seriously, that movie is horrifyingly sad. Who cares that the reviews are sure to be abysmal on this one, don’t let ‘em bring you down Middy! Playing in Limited Theaters Friday
Mother’s Instinct - it doesn’t really look like a good movie, but the acting looks… well that looks a bit heavy handed too, but there are very good actors in it. The reviews do end up praising Anne Hathaway and Jessica Chastain still, even if they say the story is overwrought. Playing in Limited Theaters Friday
NOTABLE NEW RELEASE(S) 🎟 & 📺
Deadpool & Wolverine
*Deadpool re-inserts himself into the conversation*
Hehe, “re-inserts” definitely means butt stuff.
Seriously, what is your obsession with anal sex? I mean good for you your corporate overseer let you slip in a joke about pegging, but like is it a real thing. Is Ryan Reynolds secretly letting out his kinks in these movies or what? Is Blake on board with this??!
That’s private and I’m actually offended you even asked.
You? Offended? Ok now we’re in gonzo territory.
And we weren’t already? A person on the internet voicing the alter ego of his favorite actor in his tiny little newsletter? That’s not gonzo? Mmm-k
Touché.
But wait, can we just step back for a second? In part because your hand has been on my ass since Newsy Bits.
Sorry about that.
I just want to clarify that I loved your movies. Hell, I was a fan of yours even before my first encounter with Mr. Ryan The Pride of Canada Reynolds. I actually still have your comics at my mom’s house.
And now I’m blushing, while resisting a massive temptation to tell a mom joke... Does this mean I can touch your butt again btw?
Christ, no, no more butt fondling. Leave it for Hugh. Man, getting so, so sidetracked, but yes readers, the reason I’m here is that Hugh Jackman is, as you probably already know, back playing Wolverine. In no small part because he and Reynolds are besties.
Boy are they ever. Have I got stooooories. Like this one time in Melbourne with a donkey, a box of Benadryl and a beer bong..
Wade, gimme one minute to explain your movie so I can help you, Ryan, or whomever it is, make heaps and heaps more money. It’s in your own best interest.
Hey, you think I asked for this??! I was quite happy being the favorite comic book character of all the nerds who’d ever actually bumped the uglies, but then that Reynold’s came along and his need to be liked is so huge it could envelope the entire planet of Uranus, that I became a thing. So sooooory if I’m a billionaire brand now.
Hey, Katana boy, you’re getting feisty again. Let’s tone it down, ok?
*mutters* I’ll tone you down…
What’s that??! I’ve got my cursor highlighting your stupid italicized text with my finger hovering over the delete key. So go on.
nuthing…
My dear readers. I’m sure you’re well aware I’ve basically just made this entire email an ad for Deadpool & Wolverine. Which, as has been pointed out by my current co-writer, very fitting based on my, I don’t want to say obsession, but deep knowledge of the humor of Ryan Reynolds. Is this even making sense? I don’t know. But I just binge watched two hours of Reynolds bantering back and forth with Jackman so his style of comedy is imprinted into my brain. I’m not even close to as witty of course, but we all do our best, right?
It’s a message I’m sure is contained somewhere in this third Deadpool movie, which if I’m reading the reviews correctly, is a teensy bit softer than the previous two, in large part due to the friendship behind it. Because for all their banter, Reynolds and Jackman do seem to get along stupidly well. I wasn’t kidding about the videos. They made those guys accept literally every interview request. Well, not every one… I tried, but all I got was my imagined version of Deadpool.
Oh so we’re shit talking again? I thought I was supposed to tone it down?
No, sorry, in fact I think it’s time to wrap this up.
But we haven’t even talked about all the stuff that happens in my new movie.
Those are called spoilers and I avoid them for a reason.
But how about just one? I’ll tell you if Brad Pitt appears again! Or I could tell you what Marvel boos Kevin Feige told me about Captain America and Iron Man coming back…
Aaaand we’re done here.
Out: Friday
Where: Theaters
Details: 2 hrs 7 mins | R | 🍅: 80%
THE WEEKLY TRAILER PLAYLIST ⏯
Oh my gosh I love trailers! Especially ones that I’m in. Can we just play those? No? Cool, I’ll just keep running my mouth instead.
A Complete Unknown - Bob Dylan from the director who killed off Wolverine1. Talk about a man I want to get to know!
Conclave - wanna take this one Pool? It’s a movie about the Catholic church, easy pickings. That’s actually one area my Disney contract won’t let me touch. But speaking of people who like to touch things they’re not supposed to…
Joker: Folie À Deux - a bit more singing. Still less than you might think for a movie billing itself as a musical. Did you know I starred in a musical once? That was Ryan Reynolds. And? You’re Deadpool. And? That’s not Ryan Reynolds. And? Oh fuck it.
Beetlejuice Beetlejuice - fun fact, we tried to get Michael Keaton to cameo as Batman in Deadpool and Wolverine. Yeah, we figured since no one saw The Flash we’d offer him a chance to really get the warm welcome he deserved. Bunch of greedy WB execs said no though. This is a total lie. You can’t prove that.
Post Credits Scene 🚫
Is this it? Am I just dead now? Never to return again except in the case there’s a Deadpool 4? Feels kind of like an anti-climactic offing. Shouldn’t I at least get my head chopped off with a deli meat slicer or something?
Honestly, I can’t tell you that. It feels a little weird to think you’d be my permanent co-writer. And would you even die if you were just a head??
I mean, I was ripped in half last movie and I’m still chuggin’ along so… maybe not?? How bout’ this. I’ll go take a nap in your cerebellum. Maybe kick a few nerve endings, see if I can’t inspire some good ideas for next week. Or cause a seizure. Either way it should be exciting.
Um, thanks?
No sweat. Anything for my best friend.
James Mangold, who directed Logan
Speaking of touching things you’re not supposed to….🤣