Hi. It's me. šš©L Your new writer.
Did you miss me?
THE QUOTE š¬ š¬
āIt's almost like the studio couldn't afford another X-Man.ā
hint: they got the budget this time
THINK THOUGHTS š
He did it. The motherfucker did it. Glen Powell has finally become a legit movie sā¦
*knock* *knock* *knock*
Eeeeexcuse me one moment folks.
*a red and black figure with a strident nature about them bursts into the email smelling heavily of kittens and strip clubs*
Hey sparkletits, Iām here, letās do this shit quickly. Iāve got a mega-corporation to sell my soul to. Or, I guess you could say Ryan Reynolds' soul. Lord knows I donāt have one, considering Iām not real. Because if I was, Iād be hucking myself into traffic after everything my Hollywood doppelgƤnger has put me through. That or running for president. And yet not even existing I still get more play than youā¦ rewind, did you just pause your own email? Because that is the lamest shit Iāve, hey get off meā¦
*crashing sounds, grunts of a struggle*
Hi everyone, so weāve just hadā¦.
*punch in the nuts followed by elbow to the face with a very high pitch squeal from undetermined party*
ā¦a rude intrusion by a certain comic-book turned movie character whose name rhymes with āDade Dilson.ā
I was worried this might happen if Iām being honest. Ever since he started acting in movies heās become a bit of an entitledā¦ oh! right! movie star. Thatās what I was gonna say about Glen Powell! Heās a legit movie star now after Twistersssssss, or should I say Twister$$$$$, made all that money.
boooooring!! Heās not slutty enough. Plus, I like my men more angsty. And that dollar sign joke was uninspired to the point of embarrassment. Seriously. I think I should be throwing you into traffic.
Hey, avocado head, pipe down wouldya? Weāll get to you soon enough. Sorry yāall. Like I was saying, this wannabe X-Man keeps popping up anywhere and everywhere. I know heāsā¦
Who you callinā avocado head you cheap Dawson Leery knockoff lookinā motherfucker? And wannabe X-man?? Marvel needs me a lot more than I need them right now. Didnāt you see my trailer? Iām Marvel Jesus. And speaking of thirsty, youāre talking trash, but youāve been on Ryan Reynoldās jock since you started watching re-runs of Two Guys a Girl and Pizza Place on WE: Womenās Entertainment during college.
Letās take a vote. Who wants me, Deadpool, ya know, the funny one, to take over this email from now on? 3,2,1 aaand yup, I win. You donāt need this guy. Youāve been reading his crappy writing for over seven years. And what has it gotten you? Sore eyeballs and a fly in the mouth from all that yawning Iām sure.
You know I can just turn you off, right? Youāre not even the real, fake Deadpool.
*huffy puff*
Fine. But I get to do one Extra Credit Movie. Otherwise Iāll take a shit in your plants.
Fine. You can do one of the Extra Credit Movies. One.
NEWSY BITS š¾
āInside Out 2āĀ Becomes Highest-Grossing Animated Film Of All Time Worldwide As It Skates Past āFrozen IIā With $1.462B+ - who knew weād care about feelings so much - Deadline
Apple Tries to Rein In Hollywood Spending After Years of Losses - this is actually an entire article about streaming and how Netflix is basically just murdering everyone else - Deadline
EXTRA CREDIT MOVIE(S) š
Didi - itās coming-of-age, but from the POV of a 13-year-old Taiwanese American kid in 2008 who canāt figure out if he should be a skater, a mommaās boy or what. Also seems to be a proxy for director Sean Wang. The reviews say itās that perfect mix between individual and universal. Playing in Limited Theaters Friday
The Fabulous Four - ooh, I choose this one, because it sounds like some movie Iāll get a cameo in where I make a joke about whether Mr. Fantastic can stretch his, you knowā¦ Oh shit, Bette Midlerās in this?!? I fucking love Bette Midler. I attribute my diabetes to her on account of all the ice cream I ate while watching Beaches on repeat and sobbing through my mask. Seriously, that movie is horrifyingly sad. Who cares that the reviews are sure to be abysmal on this one, donāt let āem bring you down Middy! Playing in Limited Theaters Friday
Motherās Instinct - it doesnāt really look like a good movie, but the acting looksā¦ well that looks a bit heavy handed too, but there are very good actors in it. The reviews do end up praising Anne Hathaway and Jessica Chastain still, even if they say the story is overwrought. Playing in Limited Theaters Friday
NOTABLE NEW RELEASE(S) š & šŗ
Deadpool & Wolverine
*Deadpool re-inserts himself into the conversation*
Hehe, āre-insertsā definitely means butt stuff.
Seriously, what is your obsession with anal sex? I mean good for you your corporate overseer let you slip in a joke about pegging, but like is it a real thing. Is Ryan Reynolds secretly letting out his kinks in these movies or what? Is Blake on board with this??!
Thatās private and Iām actually offended you even asked.
You? Offended? Ok now weāre in gonzo territory.
And we werenāt already? A person on the internet voicing the alter ego of his favorite actor in his tiny little newsletter? Thatās not gonzo? Mmm-k
TouchƩ.
But wait, can we just step back for a second? In part because your hand has been on my ass since Newsy Bits.
Sorry about that.
I just want to clarify that I loved your movies. Hell, I was a fan of yours even before my first encounter with Mr. Ryan The Pride of Canada Reynolds. I actually still have your comics at my momās house.
And now Iām blushing, while resisting a massive temptation to tell a mom joke... Does this mean I can touch your butt again btw?
Christ, no, no more butt fondling. Leave it for Hugh. Man, getting so, so sidetracked, but yes readers, the reason Iām here is that Hugh Jackman is, as you probably already know, back playing Wolverine. In no small part because he and Reynolds are besties.
Boy are they ever. Have I got stooooories. Like this one time in Melbourne with a donkey, a box of Benadryl and a beer bong..
Wade, gimme one minute to explain your movie so I can help you, Ryan, or whomever it is, make heaps and heaps more money. Itās in your own best interest.
Hey, you think I asked for this??! I was quite happy being the favorite comic book character of all the nerds whoād ever actually bumped the uglies, but then that Reynoldās came along and his need to be liked is so huge it could envelope the entire planet of Uranus, that I became a thing. So sooooory if Iām a billionaire brand now.
Hey, Katana boy, youāre getting feisty again. Letās tone it down, ok?
*mutters* Iāll tone you downā¦
Whatās that??! Iāve got my cursor highlighting your stupid italicized text with my finger hovering over the delete key. So go on.
nuthingā¦
My dear readers. Iām sure youāre well aware Iāve basically just made this entire email an ad for Deadpool & Wolverine. Which, as has been pointed out by my current co-writer, very fitting based on my, I donāt want to say obsession, but deep knowledge of the humor of Ryan Reynolds. Is this even making sense? I donāt know. But I just binge watched two hours of Reynolds bantering back and forth with Jackman so his style of comedy is imprinted into my brain. Iām not even close to as witty of course, but we all do our best, right?
Itās a message Iām sure is contained somewhere in this third Deadpool movie, which if Iām reading the reviews correctly, is a teensy bit softer than the previous two, in large part due to the friendship behind it. Because for all their banter, Reynolds and Jackman do seem to get along stupidly well. I wasnāt kidding about the videos. They made those guys accept literally every interview request. Well, not every oneā¦ I tried, but all I got was my imagined version of Deadpool.
Oh so weāre shit talking again? I thought I was supposed to tone it down?
No, sorry, in fact I think itās time to wrap this up.
But we havenāt even talked about all the stuff that happens in my new movie.
Those are called spoilers and I avoid them for a reason.
But how about just one? Iāll tell you if Brad Pitt appears again! Or I could tell you what Marvel boos Kevin Feige told me about Captain America and Iron Man coming backā¦
Aaaand weāre done here.
Out: Friday
Where: Theaters
Details: 2 hrs 7 mins | R | š : 80%
THE WEEKLY TRAILER PLAYLIST āÆ
Oh my gosh I love trailers! Especially ones that Iām in. Can we just play those? No? Cool, Iāll just keep running my mouth instead.
A Complete Unknown - Bob Dylan from the director who killed off Wolverine1. Talk about a man I want to get to know!
Conclave - wanna take this one Pool? Itās a movie about the Catholic church, easy pickings. Thatās actually one area my Disney contract wonāt let me touch. But speaking of people who like to touch things theyāre not supposed toā¦
Joker: Folie Ć Deux - a bit more singing. Still less than you might think for a movie billing itself as a musical. Did you know I starred in a musical once? That was Ryan Reynolds. And? Youāre Deadpool. And? Thatās not Ryan Reynolds. And? Oh fuck it.
Beetlejuice Beetlejuice - fun fact, we tried to get Michael Keaton to cameo as Batman in Deadpool and Wolverine. Yeah, we figured since no one saw The Flash weād offer him a chance to really get the warm welcome he deserved. Bunch of greedy WB execs said no though. This is a total lie. You canāt prove that.
Post Credits Scene š«
Is this it? Am I just dead now? Never to return again except in the case thereās a Deadpool 4? Feels kind of like an anti-climactic offing. Shouldnāt I at least get my head chopped off with a deli meat slicer or something?
Honestly, I canāt tell you that. It feels a little weird to think youād be my permanent co-writer. And would you even die if you were just a head??
I mean, I was ripped in half last movie and Iām still chugginā along soā¦ maybe not?? How boutā this. Iāll go take a nap in your cerebellum. Maybe kick a few nerve endings, see if I canāt inspire some good ideas for next week. Or cause a seizure. Either way it should be exciting.
Um, thanks?
No sweat. Anything for my best friend.
James Mangold, who directed Logan
Speaking of touching things youāre not supposed toā¦.š¤£