Interrupt me at your peril
In This Week's Edition: Jack Black and John Cena give it their all, I get rudely interrupted and Millie Bobby Brown gets the best name of all time
THE QUOTE 🎬 💬
“Hey, Hey, Hey. Ms. Dumbbum ain't your teacher today, I am.
And I got a headache and the runs.”
hint: the star of this movie maaaay be the star of one of the below as well
THINK THOUGHTS 💭
Academy Awards this weekend. Think you know who’s gonna win?
You tryin’ to find out?
As we all learned last week, I cover movies in this here newsletter. But this week I want to make an exception and tell you about a new a docu-series that released yesterday on Netflix called The Program: Cons, Cults and Kidnapping.
My friend Katherine Kubler directed, produced, edited and even “stars.” The series follows Katherine and others who as kids were imprisoned in a “school” that their parents willingly sent them to. However, the “willingly” does not apply to the children as they were often abducted by strangers in the middle of the night to transport them - including Katherine.
What Katherine and the others experienced (I was able to attend an early screening / interview panel where survivors spoke more about their stories) is horrifying and astounding stuff. Stuff that you kinda can’t - and don’t want - to imagine is happening. And yet, it is. Still, today.
I highly recommend the show, in part because it’s a well told and compelling story that’ll make you feel all sorts of things, but also so you’re aware and that that awareness hopefully helps make sure other people don’t have to become a part of this terrible awfulness.
You can watch The Program on Netflix now. Here’s the trailer.
NEWSY BITS 👾
Apple TV+ Adds More Than 50 Films For US Viewers In Limited Run (Full Article): this might seem barely newsworthy, but it tracks with the recent move Netflix made adding movies that were celebrating “milestone” anniversaries (i.e. 25 years, 40 years since release). It speaks to the value older content continues to have even as so much new stuff is being made. Also noteworthy because Apple TV+ doesn’t have much of a back catalogue and maybe this is a test to see if they should acquire more - Variety
EXTRA CREDIT MOVIE(S) 📝
American Dreamer - I just love Peter Dinklage, so even though this dark comedy about a dude just trying to buy a house only has nine reviews and most of them aren’t great, I’m still letting you know it exists. Limited Theaters and VOD rental on Friday
NOTABLE NEW RELEASES 🎟 & 📺
Kung Fu Panda 4
I mean, it’s not even a real fucking word. Or at least it wasn’t until Jack Black basically did his Jack Black thing and made it one on his way to building this massive animated franchise. But that’s the power of a man who is in some senses - and go with me here - the male version of Dolly Parton. Maybe not as popular musically, though he did write the greatest and best song in the world, but a performer that for the most part is very well liked across genders and generations.
Now I’m not taking anything away from the skilled animators, writers, directors, other voice actors, but I feel like the Kung Fu Panda franchise lives or dies by Black and his ability to make the lead Po an endearing and fun companion on his journeys. And up to this point he’s done his job extremely well. Every movie has made bank at the box office and been received positively by critics and fans.
But what of this one, the fourth entry after an 8 year theatrical absence? Well, you might not be surprised to hear Black apparently murders it as usual, but it’s the story surrounding him that’s starting to falter (possibly on account of the fact this movie’s budget was nearly half of the others). Meaning critics are saying the filmmakers aren’t giving Po quite enough to traverse, even if they have added a new (and also compelling actor) pal in Awkwafina as his potential successor.
But any quality issues are unlikely to affect this weekend’s haul, because it seems when you have Black, you’re in the black.
Out: Friday
Where: Theaters
Details: 1 hr 34 mins | PG | 🍅: 75%
Imaginary
So Imaginary, as you might’ve surmised, is a movie about…
*rudely interjects* Iiiiiii know this one. I watched the damn Super Bowl and saw their silly little commercial. It’s the one with Ryan Reynolds and a bunch of goofy Imaginary Friends.
No, actually that’s another movie featuring imaginary…
*steals bag of chips I’m currently snacking on* Yeah, and Reynolds’ famous buddy John Krasinski directed it. Ya know, all those Hollywood types *crunch* are the same *crunch* they just love to *crunch* stick together and only benefit each other. Never thinking of the common person. I heard about all this on the news, they’re called nemo babies.
It’s actually nepo babies, but that’s not even relevant…
Yeah yeah *crunch* nepo babies, whatever. Ya know, your *performs air quotes while saying mockingly* “job” really isn’t so hard. I just did it for you in fifteen seconds. I don’t know why it takes you hours and hours to write your so called newseltter. Which, speaking of, why do you call it that. It’s not even news or a letter.
Well, it’s a take on the old Roman…
Don’t bore me with some stupid history lesson guy, I got things to do. And I hate dead people and ghosts and shit like that. Creeps me the fuck out. Plus, I already bought my ticket to Imaginary so I have to jet. He may be a rich asshole, but I still love Reynolds and his humor. It’s so dumb.
I think it’s quite smart actually if you think…
*stands up* All right muchacho, thanks for nothing! I’m outta here. And you’re outta chips. *tosses back empty bag, wipes oily hand on couch*
*half-heartedly* Oh… no… please don’t go, then I can’t tell you you’re actually going to see a horror movie where a supposedly imaginary teddy bear is actually a demon like creature who terrorizes it’s former owner and her family after she moves back into her old house.
Shucks.
😈
Out: Friday
Where: Theaters
Details: 1 hr 44 mins | PG-13 | 🍅: TBD
Ricky Stanicky
Peter Farrelly, one half of the filmmaking duo the Farrelly brothers, who basically defined theatrical comedy in the 90’s with Dumb and Dumber1 and There’s Something About Mary, may have won an Oscar for best picture (even if it was one of the more controversial to ever win it), but the dude apparently still loves a good dick joke. A dog dick joke no less. And hey, more power to ya mate, people are multitudes.
But while Peter may have “broken up” with this brother, he’s brought back their brand of comedy with Ricky Stanicky, a movie about three lifelong friends (Zac Efron, Jermaine Fowler, Andrew Santino) who made up a friend to get out of “life stuff,” but in a moment of desperation have to hire someone to play him to placate their families. But good thing for him, Farrelly also brought John Cena along and cast him as the titular Mr. Stanicky. Because while the movie does apparently have the requisite, and aforementioned, jokes about the male genitalia, it has an extremely game Cena at the center which critics say is almost everything you need. Almost.
Because there are plenty who think the story becomes so belabored and drags as the three friends eventually have to learn their lesson that not even Cena performing “Jizz Jams” is enough.
That, or they just don’t like dick jokes.
🍆🤷
Out: Friday
Where: Prime Video
Details: 1 hr 48 mins | R | 🍅: 54%
Damsel
If Walt Disney were alive today, would he make this anti-fairytale soon appearing on The Flix?
It’s a hard question to answer, especially considering:
he’s dead, so we can’t ask him 💀
we don’t he even know if he’d know what “a Netflix” is?
are we talking as if he’d just be like a 123 year old riding around set in a motorized scooter oooor like a modern day version of him that’s 32?
the story is a near opposite of the fairytales the man help popularized early in his career and thus he’d be going back on so much of what made him “Walt Disney”
then again, he was known to be a very shrewd businessman and may have adjusted to the cultural times in the pursuit of the dollar
Anyway, I engage in this ultimately fruitless and silly quizzical diversion because Damsel itself looks to be lacking of any real queries. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, just that you should know going in that you pretty much know what’s gonna happen - especially if you watch the three(!) minute trailer.
But hey, I’m all for the princess retribution at hand here. For too long the princesses (princessies?) of the movie world have had to stand by and let someone else save them. (E.g. Robin Wright as Buttercup in The Princess Bride, who now gets to act as the evil mother-in-law here.) But no longer! The princesses of today save them damsel…ves.
Ok, maybe a little help from a dragon too. 🐲
Side note: did you know Damsel star Millie Bobby Brown is engaged to the son of Jon Bon Jovi, Jake? Unfortunately, Jake’s last name is not quite the same as his fathers - on account of “Bon Jovi” being a stage name. His real last name is Bongiovi. But when you pronounce it, it essentially sounds the same. And now I don’t know their plans, but if Bobby Brown weeeere to attach her partner’s name to hers, she’d be (as pronounced)… Millie Bobby Brown-Bon Jovi. 😀
Out: Friday
Where: Netflix
Details: 1 hr 47 mins | PG-13 | 🍅: TBD
TRAILERS! ⏯
Late Night With the Devil - a pretty stellar looking “found footage” horror movie taking place at a late night TV show in the 70’s. 100% on RT so far.
The Idea of You - basically seems like a gender flipped and nationality switched redo of Notting Hill.
The Wild Robot - I assume someone will talk in this movie about a robot communing with nature, but it’d be pretty damn cool if that wasn’t the case.
The Strangers Chapter 1 - It’s technically a prequel, but it basically looks like a remake.
The Garfield Movie - second trailer for a this “bigger” redo of a Garfield movie.
Sing Sing - another awesome looking role for Colman Domingo as he stars as an inmate who gets involved with theater to sort his time during prison. Reviews are quite good.
The Bikeriders - a second trailer for a movie that’s on its second distributor (went from 20 Century (Disney) to Focus Features (Universal)). Jeff Nichols directs, Austin Butler, Jodie Comer and Tom Hardy star.
A question that I feel like has been implicitly asked since the movie’s release and yet (to my knowledge), never answered…
In the movie Dumb and Dumber, who is “Dumb” and who is “Dumber”?