Is it still a conspiracy theory if it's true? đ
I'm gonna go with "maybe"
In This Weekâs Edition: the real story behind Sylvester Stalloneâs latest movie, a Mexican luchador who changed the game (literally), a pair of horror movies to kick off spooky season and some wish fulfillment via movie trailers.
âWe came here from a dying world. We drift through the universe from planet to planet pushed on by the solar winds. We adapt. And we survive. The function of life, is survival.â
-hint: from one of the three remakes of the 1956 original
When you hear about a good book, do you first ask âwait, is it more than 200 pages? Cuz I ainât got time for that.â Or do you just consider the potential satisfaction it may bring? Because letâs be honest, when people hear a movie is three hours, thereâs often inherent apprehension about making that kind of commitment (an apprehension people clearly got over in the case of Oppenheimer).
Sure, War and Peace is a hella daunting endeavor, but Iâm gonna theorize that by and large the number of pages donât matter the same for books as minutes do for movies.
But weâre usually talking about âtoo long,â is it the same when a movie is âtoo shortâ (not that one)? It would seem there is, as can be attested by the fact literally no one has heard of any of the nominated shorts every year at the Oscars (yes, I know not literally).
Well, we may found it a bit more because in another fun experiment from The Flix (who is known for exploring formats, see: Fear Street horror trilogy released weekly, Black Mirror: Bandersnatch - an interactive movie as well as Kaleidoscope, a series where episodes are watched in a random order ), they commissioned Wes Anderson to direct four different short stories from Roald Dahl.
Anderson has previously directed a Dahl story in Fantastic Mr. Fox, and it ended up being one of his most beloved. Similar to the Fear Street trilogy mentioned above, Netflix set the releases close together - one every day, for four days, starting with the longest at 47 minutes, The Wonderful Story of Henry Sugar. It is somewhat curious theyâre not dropping them all on day one, but it could be in order to spotlight Henry Sugar, which is getting extremely good reviews.
Weâll see how it all plays soon enough because it all starts next Wednesday. And wouldnât ya know it? Iâll be telling you more about them all right in Whatâs In Theaters +.
NEWSY BITS đž
Max and Warner Bros. Discovery to offer NBA, MLB postseason and other live sports in October (Full Article) - why interesting: as streamers continue to compete for customers even as many pull back on producing scripted content, live sports is seen as a potential differentiator - The Athletic
Donald Gloverâs âStar Warsâ Series âLandoâ Is Now a Movie (Full Article) - why interesting: it shows the increased fluidity in storytelling and how the barrier between mediums is less about the medium itself (ie TV is lesser quality and more about the needs of the story (ok, obviously economics come into play too of course) - Variety
EXTRA CREDIT MOVIE(S) đ
Spy Kids: Armageddon - a reboot of the Robert Rodriguezâs kid wish fulfillment franchise. I mean, good on Rodriguez for trying to make some movies directly for 8 year olds, but the series saw diminishing returns after the success of the 2003 original and while this does look slightly better than the previous reboot attempt, there are no reviews to confirm. But regardless, itâs unlikely to create the same impact as the og. Streaming on Netflix Friday
No One Will Save You - Kaitlyn Dever gets terrorized by aliens in a cross between Signs, A Quiet Place and an old school home invasion movie, except itâs just her (hence the title). No reviews yet, but director Brian Duffield has written and / or directed some quality movies so Iâm hopeful (see: Spontaneous + Love and Monsters) Streaming on Hulu Friday
It Lives Inside - a horror movie that treads on the fear and anxiety around cultural assimilation and the desire to fit in for an Indian-American teenager, while also trying to ya know, make ya scream. Itâs getting some decent reviews, with plenty of critics praising the commentary even as they say the scary stuff is pretty standard. Playing In Limited Theaters Friday
In a movie franchise that one could generally describe as ridiculous, the fact they decided to stylize the fourth entry as âExpend4bles,â with a 4 replacing the A is not only not surprising, itâs expected. Because even if that way of doing movie titles became tired as soon as Se7en slipped it in the filmâs opening title sequence, it hasnât stopped plenty of marketing teams from rehashing the notion. But truth be told (and weâre nothing if not about truth here at WIT+), I think thereâs more to it than just marketing...
See, if we really break down the title, it actually makes all of the sense. Instead of pronouncing it as âexpendablesâ theyâre obviously telling us we should pronounce it âexpendfourbles,â cuz duh, why else put a four in it? And if you break it down further, it clearly would be pronounced âexpend-four-balls.â
Four balls? Hmm, wonder what that could be in reference to? Well, this is a film series where the presence of testosterone is more critical than plot, so weâve undoubtedly got to be talking testicles baby. But whoseâŚ? đ¤
Since thereâs only one man crazy enough to bring together âthe worldâs greatest action heroesâ to save the world not once, not twice, not even three times, but four times! It has to be him. And him, is Sylvester Stallone. So then we are left with no other choice but to deduce that this movie is about his double pair of gonads which will, in some form, be expended.
Does that mean heâll be having a bevy of children who themselves will ultimately go on to save the world? Nah, not that kinda movie1. Not enough stabbing and shooting. I think it far more likely that Stallone is telling us that he, in his unwavering dedication to saving America, the rest of the world and generally fucking shit up for the bad guys, is going to sacrifice the thing he holds dearest.
His b4lls.
And lest you think Iâm âinsaneâ or that this is âthe stupidest shit youâve ever heardâ and that youâre âunsubscribing as fast as possible because this guy is honestly talking about Sylvester Stalloneâs genitals when describing a movieâ I shall pose the question - but how do you know Iâm wrong, huh?
See, now you have to watch one third of the original Planet Hollywood trio continue his ass kicking ways as he approaches octogenarian status. Boom. You just got incepted sucka. (editorâs note: not how that works, totally wrong usage, I canât even)
Go on, prove me wrong.
Out: Friday
Where: Theaters
1 hr 43 mins | R | đ : TBD
Whose stories need to be told?
This is, by the nature of the question itself, impossible to answer. Because âneedâ will always be defined differently by different people.
But one benefit of our modern media world is that âthe decidersâ have expanded their purview of what is needed. And by deciders I mean both the people making movies and those watching them. Itâs a collective interest shift. One that means weâre still getting biopics of âgreat historical figuresâ like J. Robert Oppenheimer, but also the likes of SaĂşl ArmendĂĄriz, a gay man who shifted the narrative (literally) within the extremely popular world of Mexican wrestling, i.e. lucha libre, and is at the center of the biopic Cassandro.
ArmendĂĄriz is real life luchador who started out in the world of lucha libre, but never liked his position, so he changed it by donning the title (and outfits) of âexĂłtico,â a flamboyant foil to the more traditionally masculine luchadors. However, the exĂłticoâs were always set to lose in matches, until ArmendĂĄriz, as his alter ego Cassandro irreparably altered the sport. Though as you would imagine, this didnât come easily, with lots of hate and jeers before what become love and cheers.
Gael GarcĂa Bernal has repeatedly been highlighted for his great acting, and he is again here for portraying ArmendĂĄriz / Cassandro along his path from poor kid abandoned by his father to an international sports star and hero as well as an almost unintentional LGBTQ+ icon.
The reviews are nearly as glowing as Cassandroâs outfits, centering on GarcĂa Bernalâs acting, but also how the story is extremely uplifting even as the struggles are never blunted.
Glowing with GarcĂa Bernalâs magnetism, âCassandroâ balances the triumphant exaltation of ArmendĂĄrizâs singular evolution as a trailblazer who didnât set out to become one, with the obvious, still not entirely eliminated bigotry that made his trajectory so significant and groundbreaking in the first place. The social and the personal come together every time he performs. In every agile move, a graceful blow against hatred. - from the Indiewire review of Cassandro
Out: Friday
Where: Prime Video
1 hr 47 mins | PG-13 | đ : 94%
Donât think it could it get any better thanâŚ.
âŚNicholas Cage appearing in literally everyoneâs dreams? Then you should watch the trailer for Dream Scenario
âŚtelling Michael Phelps to go suck it as you swim circles around him, creating a whirlpool which sends him down to the deepest depths of the ocean? Then you should watch the trailer for Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom
âŚhaving an origin story which doesnât justify, but at least explains why youâre such a tyrannical evil mofo? Then you should watch the trailer for The Hunger Games: The Ballad of Songbirds & Snakes
âŚgetting to make whatever movie you damn well please because you speak your mind and whatâs so wrong with that and whoever doesnât like it can go f themselves? Then you should watch the trailer for Old Dads
though Megan Fox and franchise stalwart Jason Statham do look to have some makeout seshes