Newsletter of the Planet of the Apes 🦍

In This Week's Edition: Caesar the ape returns, but not the one you know. Plus, more dramatic twists on another episode of "As The Mountain Melts"

THE QUOTE 🎬 💬

“I'd have to be pretty stupid to write a book about killing and then kill him the way I described in my book. I'd be announcing myself as the killer.

I'm not stupid.”

hint: known most for a single scene, but it’s more (ridiculous) fun than that

THINK THOUGHTS 💭

Y’all. I think I’m gonna have to rename this newsletter “A Former Paramount Pictures Employee’s Recap of the Potential Sale of Paramount Global, Formerly Known As (FKA) Viacom, FKA Viacom / CBS, FKA Viacom, FKA…” Working title and all that.

Because at this point I’m giving so much attention to this media conglomerate shuffling towards its increasingly unpredictable end that it almost feels like it’s the only thing I’m writing about. And yet there are so many other things I want to talk about!

Like the fact Fall Guy had what’s being considered a “flop” of an opening weekend last weekend by only making $28.5 million. It’s classic Hollywood media coverage, the kind I’m perpetuating right now, but as Natasha Bedingfield says, the rest is still unwritten¹. Meaning who knows, maybe Fall Guy ends up like that Sydney Sweeney / Glen Powell rom-com Anyone But You, which started similarly low in the money, but became a big enough success there’s chance for a sequel.

But that unwritten line cuts both ways, as in it’s also a reminder that just by casting two of today’s biggest and most affable stars (Ryan Gosling & Emily Blunt) who’re coming off two of the biggest movies of all time (Barbie & Oppenheimer) and sending them off on a massive promotional tour doesn’t mean people will automatically show up. The movie, and the context of the stars in that movie, still matter. In other words, no one² goes to see a movie solely for the actor(s).

But I can’t get too deep into that because I also wanted to talk about Challengers, which I think is just a fascinating movie. I finally saw it and thought it was excellent for myriad reasons, but I’ve heard a lot of divergent opinions - it’s fun but a toss away, it’s laughable in a bad way, to people having completely different takes on the larger “why” of it all. But I don’t want to spoil anything, so maybe click reply if you wanna go 1 on 1 with takes.

And then there’s the money made by the rerelease of Star Wars: Episode 1 - The Phantom Menace. A 25 year old movie that was considered a stinker by many who saw it upon release, made $8.6 million! More than plenty of high profile new releases. Who’s laughing now suckas?! Um, well, I guess it probably would be the Disney shareholders, but they seem like a frumpy bunch, so maybe no one?

And after all that I still have to update you about the going ons of the titular company of my forthcoming rebranded email (editor’s note: not actually being rebranded). The big news being that after the exclusive talks between Skydance and Paramount Global ended, Sony has combined forces with previous suitor Apollo to put forth a $26 billion cash offer. But wait, Sony already has a studio, why would they need another? They wouldn’t. And as this Hollywood Reporter article notes,

“it’s assumed that if Apollo and Sony Pictures prevail with their rival $26 billion offer, Paramount will essentially vanish.”

😧

Think of what happened to 20th Century Fox after Disney bought them. It exists as a label (and a joke in Deadpool & Wolverine), but not much else. Which is why some big names, like James Cameron and Jeffrey Katenzberg, are pushing for the Skydance deal (remember David, the Billy Baby?). They don’t seem to like the idea of Sony / Apollo stripping down Paramount Global to its parts and selling them off. Though the Transformers based headlines would be killer I’m sure. Sony would actually have to sell at least some parts because a foreign company can’t own a broadcast TV stations in the US (Paramount Global also owns CBS).

And let me just add some context that while this is a big deal (literally), Apple recently announced their financial quarterly earnings and they made nearly $24 billion. In net profit. In one quarter. So why doesn’t Apple just buy them and get a nice back catalogue for their still quite nascent media business? Honestly, can’t say with any certainty, but I’d bet it’s because you only get to that ridiculous level of income by not investing in bad businesses. And it seems Paramount is (a) bad business. 🤷‍♂️

Though I guess it’s not that bad if you have this love triangle forming. But like at the end of some of Hollywood’s best movies, sometimes even when you get what you desired, you’re not even sure it’s what you wanted.

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NEWSY BITS 👾

Sony and Apollo’s Plan for Paramount: Break It Up: I just talked about this above, but maybe you were all TL;DR pleeease - Sony teamed up with Apollo (an investment firm) to put an offer in on Paramount Global. If they win, they plan to sell, cut, merge. - The New York Times

Disney and Warner Bros. Discovery to Launch Disney+, Hulu, Max Streaming Bundle: This is a first. Amazon has done the whole subscribe to other services through us thing, but this is, I would argue, a bigger deal because it addresses the real concern of users “hopping” from service to service. Wonder why they didn’t include Paramount +… - Variety

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EXTRA CREDIT MOVIE(S) 📝

Mother of the Bride - some pieces of media stick in your head. There are multiple in mine that star Brooke Shields’ - Blue Lagoon (I was young, ok?) and Suddenly Susan (look, I was still young, but also bored, ok?). I doubt Mother of the Bride will imprint as those did, but it’s fun to see Shields headlining again. Especially after her docu-series dove into all she had / has to face in Hollywood. No reviews yet, but this is a Netflix flick, so that tracks. Expect the exact light, silly, heartwarming vibe we see in the trailer for the entire movie. Playing in Theaters Friday

Poolman - I want this, the first movie directed by (also starring) Chris Pine, who was hilarious in Wonder Woman, to be good. I really do. Zany low-stakes stoner comedy capers rule (see: The Big Lebowski, Inherent Vice). Plus, it co-stars Danny DeVito and Annette Benning! Buuuut reviews say Pine is just off here. Like really off. Even if he looks to be tryin’ his darndest. But hey, Inherent Vice got some shitty reviews too (editor’s note: not nearly as many and not this shitty). ←Fair. Playing in Limited Theaters Friday

Turtles All the Way Down - an adaptation of the John Green novel about dealing w/ OCD while also dealing with growing up - Green wrote The Fault in Our Stars which turned into a massive hit book and movie-wise. This looks to be more modest as it’s on Max, but the reviews are still very positive saying it portrays the mental disorder in a way that doesn’t talk down, even if still somewhat in that “Young Adult expected” manner. Streaming on Max Now

Wildcat - another from last week I didn’t get to mention, but wanted to give a shout out to the Hawke father-daughter duo (Ethan directed, Maya stars) who made a movie about the author Flannery O’Connor. Who? Yeah, same friend. I am also uncultured apparently, but she was known for a “souther gothic style” that focused on “grotesque” characters. She disagreed with the categorization. I also hate labels Ms O’Connor. The reviews aren’t flowery, but it definitely looks like someone’s smashed fruit and sugar (see: jam). Playing in Limited Theaters Now

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NOTABLE NEW RELEASES 🎟 & 📺

Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes

At this point you could toss any words in the english language in front of “Planet of the Apes” and there’s a good chance it’s either already been used or would make for a good title.

Destruction of the Planet of the Apes? Totally! Who knows, that could be Kingdom’s direct sequel. Duplicity of the Planet of the Apes?? Sure, not the catchiest, but would make explicit the complex moral quandaries the series delves into. The Melancholy and the Infinite Sadness of the Planet of the Apes. A bit long, and probably would have some rights issues, but sounds cool to me! Billy Corgan could rock out as the lead singer of an ape band. Ticklefest of the Planet of the Apes?!! I think that’s a bit silly and probably wouldn’t…. The Unfinished Dinner Plate of the Planet… I see what you’re doing… Ragamuffin of.. STOP.

I get your point. So maybe not any words. But still, a lot of words!

It’s a credit to the long running series that there’s enough to explore such that they need to keep coming up with prefixes. This wasn’t always the case as the original films started becoming a bit of a joke after a strong start. But the reboots / prequel trilogy that ran from 2011 to 2017 did a masterful job of not just reviving the series, but in many people’s minds, elevating the franchise to its highest heights.

While he co-opts the name, Proximus Caesar (played by Kevin Durand), is no Caesar

I imagine it’d be a hard place to find yourself if you’re the new filmmakers (Matt Reeves, director of the last two Apes movies moved on to The Batman). Especially when you’re without the stalwart presence of Andy Serkis on screen, who played Casesar, leader of the apes in the most recent trilogy. Serkis did consult fwiw.

Which makes it even nicer to hear that director Wes Ball - who made all the Maze Runner movies - has apparently turned in a satisfying continuation of the franchise both in the amazing effects (even better now than 7 years ago) and probably most importantly, its thoughtful nature.

“And yet, ‘Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes’ is such a rewardingly cerebral journey because of its refusal to dictator-shame its villain or offer a clear alternative for the apes forced to serve at his mercy. Exciting and coherently shot as its water-logged finale might be, Ball’s movie sews a palpable sense of lament into even this story’s most emphatic moments of hope, as Noa’s emergence as a hero capable of rescuing his clan — and maybe his entire species — is always offset by the feeling that the only responsible way of bringing apes into the future would be to ensure they remain stuck in the past.” - from the IndieWire review of Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes

A convenient time to point out that Kingdom shifts the story 300 years into the future. Long enough where the original Caesar’s story has faded away completely for some and turned into a powerful tool of control for others. Which puts the apes at a point where humans have been, and may be yet again.

“That’s what makes ‘Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes’ powerful, in the end. It probes how the act of co-opting idealisms and converting them to dogmas has occurred many times over. What’s more, it points directly at the immense danger of romanticizing the past, imagining that if we could only reclaim and reframe and resurrect history, our present problems would be solved. Golden ages were rarely actually golden, but history is littered with leaders who tried to make people believe they were anyhow. It’s a great way to make people do their bidding. - from the New York Times review of Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes

I often comment (lament?) how there’s little in popular media that matches the philosophical questions brought up by the old Star Trek series (TNG in particular). But I should maybe check myself, because even if we probably won’t get that level of quiet contemplation again, there are efforts like Kingdom and its recent forebears which are interested in activating the ol’ noggin.

To be clear, it’s still a big budget action movie so you can of course also just let your mind turn off during the grand adventure. But while I won’t count on it, here’s hoping we all learn a teensy tiny bit along the way.

Out: Friday

Where: Theaters

Details: 2 hrs 24 mins | PG-13 | 🍅: 86%

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TRAILERS! ⏯

Twisters - mo’ bigger, mo’ badder, MO’ TWISTERER…S

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Despicable Me 4 - I know the studio titled it Despicable Me 4, but from this trailer they’re basically saying, “think of it as Minions 3.” But the Minions movies are really just Despicable Me prequel movies, so this is actually kind of just Despicable Me 6. But it’s called Despicable Me 4. Got it?

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Fancy Dance - Killer of the Flower Moon’s Lily Gladstone absconds with her niece after the girl’s mother (and Gladstone’s sister) goes missing before a powwow. Plenty of good reviews saying the film has a strong sense of place and itself.

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Jim Henson Idea Man - I forgot to include this last week because I can’t add it to the playlist (kids movie!), but still wanted to share. Looks like a very loving take, which is fair, because the warmth Henson put into this sometimes harsh world was immense.

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Megalopolis - I’m cheating a bit because it’s not actually a trailer. But this is the first official look of the movie Francis Ford Coppola wrote / directed / produced and reportedly spent $120 million of his own moneeeeeey on. It’s premiering at Cannes in a just about a week and has yet to find a US distributor. 😬

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1. who had a Bedingfield reference on their WIT+ bingo card?

2. yes, I’m sure there is literally someones out there