The 80's Nostalgia Won't Die Until We Do
I.e. Never!!
“you are a fart factory,
slug-slimed sack of rat guts and cat vomit,
cheesy scab picked pimple squeezing finger bandage,
a week old maggot burger with everything on it and flies on the side”
Remember how I said I’d be surprised if I didn’t write what I intended to last week? Turns out, I’m surprised! 😮 I guess you have to keep it interesting in a relationship, even if it’s with yourself. Next week. Promise.1
Btw, the headline gets at it, but the 80’s nostalgia train is running full speed, steam, dream or some other word that rhymes, ahead. Last week was Dungeons and Dragons (which yes, technically started in the 70’s, but feel like took hold in the 80’s) and this week it’s Mario and Air Jordans. What else is left to mine? Anything major? I’m sure we’ll find out.
Reminder: both featured movies are out TODAY.
NEWSY BITS 👾
Disney Unplugs Metaverse Unit During Initial Round Of Layoffs [not unlike how studios got all hyped up about VR, had a bunch discussions, spun stuff up, and then basically just abandoned the whole notion (I was involved in Paramount’s VR efforts and it was, yeah, just ask me about it sometime] - Deadline
Netflix restructures its film units, aiming to make fewer (but better) original movies [sorta plays into the story I linked to last week about The Flix saying no to a higher price for the Nancy Meyers movie - in that they’re getting more choosy with their productions] - Techcrunch
EXTRA CREDIT MOVIE(S) 📝
Paint - it’s Owen Wilson doing an odd Bob Ross kinda-sorta impersonation, but it’s also not a Bob Ross biopic? Regardless, the reviews are not kind and say it’s weird, but like, not in the good way and that it’s meandering, in the bad way. Playing in Theaters this Friday.
Showing Up - It’s a movie about art and the artists that create that art. A bit specific, but allows you to watch Michelle Williams to do what she clearly loves to do, act. Also stars Hong Chau from The Whale. Looks slow, odd and endearing. Has plenty of reviews that are praising its micro focus, which allows it to get at some larger themes. Playing in Limited Theaters this Friday.
I implore you, do not overthink this. Are you A) a child (if yes, um, hello! and I apologize for my naughty mouth, but thanks for reading. You can read, right?) or B) were you a child when the Super Mario games started coming out and thus have heavy nostalgia for things like Rainbow Road, whatever the hell a “Yoshi” is2 and the melodious phrase “It’s-a Me Mario!” Excellent. Or are you C), which is just a B) that is now legally expected to keep an A) alive? Eeeeee-ven better. Because if you are A, B or C I am quite confident you will leave the movie theater adequately satisfied after viewing this 90 minute montage that is the world’s collective video gaming experiences turned into one giant cinematic endeavor.
If you’re bumping on the phrase “adequately satisfied” I remind you, do not over think it. It’s a movie based on a video game where a plumber eats mushrooms, stomps on walking mushrooms, battles turtles - some flying, some hucking hammers3 - who sometimes turns into a cat (well, a dude wearing a cat suit, but whatever) and who can crush bricks with his hand... head? definitely hand... right?
And because the movie’s production was handled by the people at Illumination (Despicable Me, Sing movies), there's just enough of a story to keep the narrative flowing so you can get your nostalgia-meter full: Mario (Chris Pratt) and Luigi (It’s Always Sunny’s Charlie Day) are sucked into this weird fungi filled world where they get separated and Luigi is captured, thus forcing Mario to save his bro by learning a bunch of parkour like activities from Princess Peach (Anya Taylor-Joy) who is way more badass than doting damsel.
As for the voices. Jesus christ, the voices! “Everybody” lost their goddamn minds when it was announced that Chris Pratt would be voicing Mario. I get it. It feels like the dude is in everything. Including another based-on-a-beloved-toy movie (The Lego Movie). But then when people actually heard his voice in the trailer? Ba-lli-stic. Because he basically sounded like… Chris Pratt. But that was just “the internet people.” The average person will not, and IMHO should not, care all that much. I’m not sure what the angered people want, but if it’s an entire movie with that sing-songy version of Mario, I’m pretty sure what they want is wrong. I’m joking of course, but also kinda not, because is the OG Mario voice even a good thing anyway?! Feels like a stereotypic trope that we accept cuz it’s Mario. I’d rather not spoil, but the movie does explain, as well as nod to, the game voices for what it’s worth. Again, overthink, do not.
But one voice that people probably won’t hate on seems to be that of Bowser, handled by the never-ending gift that is Mr. Tenacious D himself…
Jack Black, who voices this horny demon, gives a stupendous performance. Bowser is in love with Princess Peach, even as he’s planning to attack her empire, and Black, conjuring something very different from his usual hipster-stoner vibe, makes Bowser a domineering but deeply insecure romantic, like the Phantom of Opera as a neurotic troglodyte. - from the Variety review of The Super Mario Bros. Movie
All this said, as I’m sure you can see, the movie doesn’t necessarily have the best reviews. Quite split in fact. But that’s because it sounds like Nintendo went in the exact opposite direction it did 30 years ago. What happened 30 years ago? This. Sure, people can say the live-action Mario Bros. is now a “cult classic,” but that’s mostly because it’s completely insane. It is not a “good movie.” And more importantly, it bombed. So yeah, Nintendo went with a fairly straight-forward, heavy on the action, pretty “graphics,” easter eggs and hat-tips (hat-throwing?) version that is “brand safe” which was bound to bore plenty of critics in its lack of risk taking.
But for the A,B,C’s of us in the world? We know what (not) to do, right?
🧠 🚫
Out: TODAY
Where: Theaters
1 hr 32 mins | PG | 🍅: 54%
You can bet Air will talk a lot about Michael Jordan. But to be clear, this movie is not about Jordan. It’s about Jordans.
The shoes that aren’t just shoes, but a product when mentioned can conjure thoughts of greatness, style, success, the pursuit of perfection, money, identity, and maybe most importantly, incredibly effective marketing. Far more than just the combination of rubber and leather stitched together which make up the physical item.
But that wasn’t always the case. At the beginning of 1984, Michael Jordan existed, but Jordans didn’t. Yet. Air is basically an origin story for the shoe which became a brand, which became, well, you know.
If this all sounds a bit hyperbolic, or even subversive marketing for the brand, I wouldn’t be one to argue with that assessment. And whether you buy into the hype yourself, it’ll at least help to understand that millions of people do, if you choose to watch this movie.
Because director Ben Affleck took on what in practical terms, is probably a pretty mundane, or at least sometimes tedious story. But under the guise of the creation of the cultural behemoth that is Jordans, it starts to get a little more interesting. But you still have to have a good story and a good movie. But per critics, Affleck has succeeded in building both.
And because he’s Ben Affleck, he was able to hire a ton of excellent actors to help him. First and foremost his buddy ol’ pal Matt Damon, who at least for the purposes of the movie’s story, is the catalyst of it all. At least for Nike. But the catalyst for the Jordan family was Michael’s mother, Deloris, played by Viola Davis. And while the entire cast - which includes Affleck as Nike co-founder Phil Knight as well as Chris Tucker, Chris Messina, Jason Bateman and more - are getting lots of love, Davis, as usual, is receiving the highest praise for playing the architect of the Jordan brand (different from the Jordans brand), and maybe more significantly, Michael Jordan’s stake in it.
And even though MJ is technically in the movie, it’s just a few shots from the back (the real Michael is shown in archival footage). Some may question it, but critics have lauded the decision, saying it allows the movie to focus on the story vs having to convince the audience “this is Michael Jordan.” From Affleck himself…
“the one sure way to ruin the movie and have the audience understand that the whole thing is a fraud is to point the camera at anybody that’s not Michael Jordan and say, ‘Hey, that’s Michael Jordan!'”
He continued with a laugh, “Because all of a sudden, they’re like, ‘This is the knockoff Michael Jordan!’ He’s too famous, and I like him being the guy above it. It’s how our relationship is with these icons and idols, they’re not in our living rooms, in our lives, they’re people who are in our fantasies.”
- Ben Affleck on why he doesn’t show Michael Jordan in Air
Which means the story of a struggling Nike trying to break into the basketball game with a bunch of middle aged dudes hustling their 80’s dressed butts off will have to be enough. And for most people, it seems like it will. But if all you can think about when you think of Nike is a massive corporation that suffers from “corporate greed,” well then yeah, this one might not be for you. Because not unlike last week’s Tetris, it is, at it’s core, about people trying to make money. But it’s worth remembering that a lot of interesting stuff can happen in the pursuit money. Even… greatness?
Out: TODAY
Where: Theaters
1 hr 52 mins | R | 🍅: 96%
Some trailers. Some thoughts.
More a “second teaser” than full trailer. I still have no idea what this will be about and thus am still a bit unsure, even if I trust director Greta Gerwig after her first two (excellent) movies as director.
Show the goods when you got em, amma right? I think this is an excellent trailer for this type of movie.
I believe this falls in the “dead guy walking” portion of the DC franchise, but not 100%. Regardless, not so sure about this one…
Second trailer for the second Spider-verse movie. I’m down for lots more weird ass spider… things if they are!
I honestly have no idea what the hell is going in this Ben Affleck movie directed by Robert Rodriguez. Which I think is intentional (fine) and also not (bad).
mostly for myself
the best Mario Kart character duh. Or Shy Guy. Shy Guy also rules
hate those guys. HATE THEM