The best reviewed weekend of the year?
With so many solid options, you don't get to complain "but there's nothing good out!"
“I have all the characteristics of a human being - flesh, blood, skin, hair - but not a single, clear, identifiable emotion, except for greed and disgust.”
Jesus, last week was a long one eh? 😅
Let’s cut right to it since there are five (!!!!!) featured and four (!!!!) extra credit movies.
In order to expedite things I labeled each of the featured by their top level genre for those who know what they like, and then got slightly deeper into the specifics for those who may not (or just loooove my writing1).
NEWSY BITS 👾
Netflix Will End Its DVD Service, 5.2 Billion Discs Later [they still do that?! Indeed. But not for much longer (Sept. 29 is the last day)] - NYT
EXTRA CREDIT MOVIE(S) 📝
Somewhere in Queens - Ray Romano directs a charming looking movie where he plays an over attentive father - which leads him to try and un-breakup his son’s romantic relationship because duh, dads know best (do they though?). The reviews are somewhat small in number, but quite good in tone. Playing Friday in Limited Theaters
Quasi - Broken Lizard, more commonly known as “the Super Troopers guys,” made a medieval movie where they get to dress up and play multiple characters. You could call it a Quasimodo comedy, or you could just call it the movie before Super Troopers 3 (yes, it’s happening). There are some reviews, but pretty sure they released it early to “sympathetic” critics. Who cares, it’s the Super Troopers guys! Streaming TOMORROW (Thursday) on HULU
Little Richard: I Am Everything - a doc on the man who influenced basically everybody in rock ‘n roll. Gets at his impact as well as the more personal. Reviews say it does well at illuminating the already very bright light that was Little Richard and his career. Streaming Friday on VOD
A Tourist’s Guide to Love - Rachael Leigh Cook (She’s All That) takes her rom-com queen status to Netflix. It’s the definition of a comfort watch. Which is to say the reviews are bound to be minimal and lacking in verve. Streaming Friday on Netflix
This isn’t a horror movie, this is a capital H, HORROR MOVIE. 🫣
Where glass is swallowed, people’s legs get cheese-grated and there are motherfuckin’ chainsaws slicing through motherfuckin’ bone (hopefully! 🤞). But wait, there’s more. There’s the Necromonicon, because of course there is, this is an Evil Dead movie after-all - the franchise that essentially started the creepy cabin in the woods thing.
Is there a Bruce Campbell? Weeeell, no2, but that’s ok because apparently the new holders of the metaphorical boomstick do extremely well with it, including Lee Cronin who wrote and directed this new iteration, but also stars Lily Sullivan and Alyssa Sutherland who play sisters - one who becomes possessed and the other who must protect in a tiny LA apartment. And in somewhat of a twist for an Evil Dead movie, the inclusion of themes of family and motherhood might mean actually you feel emotions outside of just horror and laughter?!
And while you might groan at “yet another remake,” this is getting incredible love from critics and fans (who saw it at SXSW). It helps that all of the original people - director Sam Raimi, star Bruce Campbell and producer Rob Tabert - are intimately involved. Which ensures that Rise will spill more blood than a group of six year olds tasked with sharpening your kitchen knives (you’re messed up).
“Mommie’s with the maggots now.” - a quote from Evil Dead Rise (for no reason other than I just really like the line)
Out: Friday
Where: Theaters
1 hr 37 mins | R | 🍅: 95%
This is a romantic-action-comedy. 😘 🔫 😂
A genre which is more commonly known as a “romacomy” (editor’s note: no it isn’t). While romantic comedies have dwindled in cinematic influence, the romacomy has essentially stepped in to fill the void (see: The Lost City, Free Guy, Shotgun Wedding). I imagine this is in part because our attention spans have dwindled such that we need The Splodies 💥 to keep us entertained. It’s kind of like those Tiktoks that combine two videos, often one of a show or just people talking and the other of a random thing like someone playing a video game or making a cake (yes, this is a real thing - ask your kids)
But a romacomy is nothing without a pithy premise perfect for a tagline. And what better idea than Chris Evans getting ghosted, because who in their right mind would ghost Chris Evans?! Except people who want to stay away from creepy stalkers who over-text and travel to London after one date. But y’all, it’s a mooovie, so instead of being something that would land someone in jail or on blast via the She Rates Dogs Twitter account, it ends up being a crazy spy adventure, because of course the only person to ghost Chris Evans would be a CIA spy played by Ana de Armas, one of few people arguably more attractive and lethal than Evans (at least in the movie world).
So if you wanna watch some pretty people kiss, then fight, then kiss, this is your romacomy du jour.
Out: Friday
Where: Apple TV+
1 hr 56 mins | PG-13 | 🍅: TBD
This a *serious face* war movie. 😐
Directed by Guy Ritchie. You’re messing with us, right? You gotta be messing with us. The same guy who made a movie called “Snatch.” I call bullshit. I am not messing with you! You can tell how serious the movie is by looking at the official title - Guy Ritchie’s The Covenant. Because a name like that is practically on its knees begging the question, “you can’t be serious…?” Which sets up Ritchie perfectly, allowing him to respond with, “Oh, but I am. Deadly serious.”
But while you and star Jake Gyllenhaal (see above) have a right to be a bit skeptical, that also plays to Ritchie’s advantage as you might be surprised by what critics are saying is a well told, not overly flashy story about a soldier (Gyllenhaal) and an interpreter (Dar Salim) who form a bond in Afghanistan that keeps them alive through unimaginable strife. You don’t have to believe me, believe this review snippet,
“All the while, Ritchie sprinkles overt flourishes atop what could have otherwise been a bog-standard action flick. Fittingly, Ahmed clarifies numerous times that he isn’t a translator, but an interpreter — not someone who captures the literal, but rather, conveys its essential meaning. “The Covenant” practically embodies this approach to war via its movement, with the camera pushing inward and outward almost violently, in moments of self-reflection or intense isolation, distilling the larger conflict into something intimate.” - from the Indiewire review of Guy Ritchie’s The Covenant
Out: Friday
Where: Theaters
2 hrs 3 mins | R | 🍅: 82%
This is a comedy. 🎭
That also happens to be (one minute shy of) three hours long, is most definitely more correctly described as a dark dark comedy, but when you’re dealing with the disturbing cess-pool of a mind (←compliment!) that’s possessed by director Ari Aster, everything is bound to be a bit warped. Aster became well known, and very well respected, for his first two movies Hereditary and Midsommar (which according to Aster, is also ultimately “a joke…working toward a punchline.”).
But while those two movies were twisted, Beau Is Afraid looks like a thousand foot version of one of those orange extension cords that’s been stuck in the back of a hoarder’s garage, where the middle is the end and the beginning is never-ending. Which seems kind of crazy considering it’s, at it’s core plot-wise, simply about a dude trying to visit his mother (keyword: trying). But oooooh those oedipal relationships are fraught, aren’t they? Which is what allows Joaquin Phoenix to embody a character who has more fears than hairs on his end (which are indeed dwindling).
This is the definition of filmmaking maximization. Even Aster said of A24 who produced the film, “I still can’t quite believe I was given the resources and freedom to make it in the way that we did, and credit is very much due to A24 for being stupid enough to give me that.” I don’t know that they were stupid, maybe a little drunk or high when they gave the greenlight, but yeah, if you’re gonna let someone run rampant with your filmmaking money it might as well be Aster. But this is the same studio that handled Everything Everywhere All at Once, so it tracks. And like that Oscar winner, it’s probably best to go in not knowing much beyond what I’ve already told you (which I understand isn’t much at all). So go to the theater (pee first!) and let all the weird trippiness wash over you.
And lemme know what you think!
Out: Friday
Where: Theaters
2 hrs 59 mins | R | 🍅: 76%
This is a biographical historical drama. 🎻
That helps crack open one small part of the past which few people know about - but would probably find quite fascinating. It’s not surprising it stars Kelvin Harrison Jr. who has already built an impressive credits list, choosing interesting and complicated stories (see: Waves, Luce, Monster, Cyrano). Here he gets to play Joseph Bologne, Chevalier de Saint-Georges, who if not for his skin color, you might already know about. He was basically good at everything important at the time - fencing, composing music, playing the violin, leading troops in battle, wearing a wig like a boss - but maybe pushed to be so due to his position in life. The movie (of course) looks like it takes some strong creative liberties, but this story is set in France, and they love their libertés, soooo….
Terrible jokes aside, the reviews are solid, with the focus mostly on Harrison Jr. who yet again seems to nail the assignment. Which makes this history lesson look far less like homework and more like we-have-a-substitute-teacher-so-let’s-watch-a-fun-movie-day.
Out: Friday
Where: Limited Theaters
1 hr 47 mins | R | 🍅: 86%
What’re you into?
Are you into some weird twisted sex stuff? Of course you are, you’re human. So go on pervert, watch this! (don’t worry, it’s well regarded cinema!)
Are you into a fresh looking redo of the Frankenstein story that blends in modern societal horrors? Solid chance you might be after watching the trailer for The Angry Black Girl and Her Monster.
Are you super into Dracula stuff after watching Nic Cage in Renfield and now have an insatiable hunger for… blood (duh) but also other vampire movies? Cool. Watch the trailer for The Last Voyage of the Demeter.
just me?
but don’t lose hope