What the heck is an "ape rating"? đŚ
You'll probably have to read on and find out.
In This Weekâs Edition: a Bob Marley biopic | the next entry in Sonyâs Spider-Man-less Spider-Verse | Netflix rom-com thatâs sweeter than itâs horny leads might make it seem
THE QUOTE đŹ đŹ
âListen, I'm a politician, which means I'm a cheat and a liar, and when I'm not kissing babies, I'm stealing their lollipops. But it also means I keep my options open.â
hint: the lead character has been played by the likes of John Krasinski, Chris Pine, Harrison Ford and even Ben Affleck
THINK THOUGHTS đ
I did it. Without even actively trying I watched all ten best picture nominees for this yearâs Oscars and nearly a month before any actual awards will be given out. Hold the applause please. Hell, I even had time to re-watch Dune: Part One in theaters on Tuesday (just as good, if not better second go around. Very excited for Part Two. And Messiah since Villeneuve will apparently be back for that one - juuuust gotta read it first).
âFor someone who talks a lot about how theyâre not the biggest fan of the awards system in Hollywood, you sure do talk about it a lot huh?â Hush now.
I mention it because while yes, I do rag on awards sometimes, as fellow writer and lover of movies
of has said, they are a great checklist of sorts to see what one might want to watch. Sure itâs an imperfect system, but good chance youâre going to find something youâll find compelling. But this year, while I knew the list of course, I didnât even have to check it because I had already planned on seeing every movie on it. There wasnât a single âI mean sure, I gueeeeeess Iâll watch so I can be a completist and have an opinion.âI was actively looking forward to all of them for various reasons. Even the movie Iâd say I connected with the least among the ten, Maestro, was still a movie Iâd say is worth watching because itâs clear thereâs a lot of love and craft involved and the notions it highlights are, at least on an intellectual level, compelling (though I hear the docs on Bernstein are even betterâŚ).
If you consider the aforementioned list alone Iâd say last year was a pretty darn good year for movies. But that doesnât include loads of other gems like the way-funnier-than-its-shitty-box-office-performance Joy Ride or the demented Dream Scenario. Or the extremely demented Beau is Afraid. The Guardians of the Galaxy got a legitimately good send off, there was a solid TMNT movie finally (after Michael Bay removed his grubby hands). The classic book Are You There God? Itâs Me, Margaret. finally got a delightful (and also under seen) film version.
Hell, I recently watched Blackberry (the gonzo retelling of the phone maker) on a plane and wondered how does that even get made and be as good as it was? Especially when so many filmmakers are saying how hard it is to get something out into the world.
Point is, even with âthe bullshitâ and all the fear that comic book movies were going to kill every other genre, we mightâve just had one the best years in movies in a while. Itâs possible itâs a build up on account of âthe bullshit,â but I like to think itâs simply that people are still trying to make good, original stuff. And weâve seen that when they do, people have a tendency to respond (but yes, not always).
Am I partly telling you all this because the movies this edition are a weak bunch? Yeah, maybe. But I probably wouldâve said so regardless. But just make sure to keep it in mind as you scroll through the latest crop and know that even if it things seem a bit bleak right now in movie-land, thereâs still pleeeenty of time on the clock.
NEWSY MEDIA BITS đž
Paramount Lays Off Hundreds of Workers (Full Article): Paramount Global to be more precise (i.e. includes Paramount Pictures, CBS, Paramount + etc.). Seems like a perfect prelude to a sale to me. - The New York Times
âDeadpool 3â Dethrones âSpider-Man: No Way Homeâ as Most-Viewed Trailer Launch With 365 Million Views (Full Article): âlaunchâ meaning in 24 hours. As someone whoâs job it used to be to compile these numbers, I can say these comparisons can be fuzzy at best, but the takeaway stays the same, it big. - The New York Times
EXTRA CREDIT MOVIE(S) đ
This Is Me⌠Now: A Love Story - J.Lo made a movie with some new music fit for an album or a new album that she turned into a (not quite) feature length set of connected music videos. Whatever it is, the reviews say itâs just as bonkers as it looks and for the majority so far, they see that as a good thing. Streaming on Prime Friday
NOTABLE NEW RELEASES đ & đş
BOB MARLEY: ONE LOVE
âBack in the day,â biopics generally were a story that went from birth tilâ death. A whooooole life in roughly two hours. Tough task. So tough that people eventually seemed to get bored with the format such that filmmakers started to focus on a moment in time - often a pivotal period in the subjectâs life - or key relationship.
While thatâs helped make some movies successful (e.g. think Selma, Lincoln for the former and Maestro for the latter), at least in the critical sense, it sadly doesnât appear to have worked for Bob Marley (or Bob Marley for that matter) to follow the icon post assassination attempt as he works on his heralded album Exodus in London.
But âso what?â a lot people might still say. âWill I get to listen to a bunch of Bob Marley songs?â Yes indeedy. Does the guy playing Bob Marley (Kingsley Ben-Adir) do a good job of embodying the singerâs presence and swagger? Sounds like it! Was the Marley family involved and approve? Ziggy says yes!
âThen count me in man. Iâm just here for the vibes.â
Which, yeah dude, have at it. Hard to argue with enjoying some of Marleyâs greatest hits (and this from a guy who finds the notion of a reggae festival comparable to slicing a finger in a mandolin).
But Spotify and Apple Music do exist. Just sayinâ.
Out: TODAY
Where: Theaters
Details: 1 hr 44 mins | PG-13 | đ : 40%
MADAME WEB
Look, I usually try and find an angle to avoid being this simplistic or harsh, but there doesnât seem to be a way around it.
Madame Web looks like a stinker.
Itâs not exactly a revelation, seeing as the trailer for this not in the Spider-Man universe, but also kinda in the Spider-Man universe (e.g. Venom) comic-book feature was not only confusing and awkward, but contained a line so clunky it made the movie a focus of mockery by âthe internets.â And even if it does suck - and boy do the reviews say that it does, even the âpositiveâ ones - itâs always disappointing in some sense, seeing as loads of legitimate effort goes into trying to make a good movie (though some disagree with that), especially of this size.
At least initially. Because maybe in a few years the cast will feel comfortable enough to go on talk shows and reminisce about that time they starred in a movie that stunk up the room so badly you just had to laugh. I mean hell, Ryan Reynolds has almost made an entire second career out of that self-effacing schtick (itâs a good one).
Although, if youâve followed Dakota Johnsonâs press tour for the film Iâd first off ask, why? but then quickly pivot to how youâre aware that she is likely keen to this movieâs apparent stench of stale popcorn thatâs been stuck to the bottom of a sneaker for weeks. Because when she goes on a late night talk show and saysâŚ
âYou donât have to know anything about anything at all - to watch this movie.â (emphasis hers)
You kind of get the sense sheâs already in on it. Was she just being her normal cheeky dry-humored self that also called out Ellen? Sure, maybe. But I doubt sheâs a dummy and imagine she knows when sheâs surrounded by poo.
And maybe Iâve said all this and youâre still like, sweet, stop talking already and gimme my god damn ticket. Cuz youâre into that kinda thing. So donât let me yuck your yum.
But if you do go maybe just shower after? đŞ°
Out: TODAY
Where: Theaters
Details: 1 hr 57 mins | PG-13 | đ : 17%
PLAYERS
Hey! Hi hi hi.
Do you wanna like, dunno, maybe hang out with us?! Weâre suuuuper charming (quite attractive) people that get ourselves into loads of dating related hijinks. Some may call them borderline âunethical,â but pinky-promise that we treat all our hookups respectfully - outside of lying to get them naked for a cheeky lil game of slap-and-tickle of course. But doesnât everyone fib a little bit at first?? âIâm a clean personâ pffft sure you are bucko, when your momâs around to do your damn laundry ya sloppy bastard.
Plus, all weâre asking for is like a two hour sesh. No presh.
And if youâre worried youâll experience a bit of dĂŠjĂ vu because you just âknowâ two of us are gonna realize weâve actually been in love the whole time, even if one us thinks we love someone else that is clearly not right for us, can we just ask you one question?
Why do you hate love?
Exactly, you donât. So just chill the fuck out, cuddle up with your ice cream, munch on your boo - shit, wait, got those reversed1 - stop thinking too much and tap into those voyeuristic tendencies we all know you have.
Because weâve also been watching you*.
*this post was not sponsored by Netflix, even if some wish it was
Out: TODAY
Where: Netflix
Details: 1 hr 45 mins | PG-13 | đ : 38%
TRAILERS! ⯠âOfficial ape rating ofâŚâ
Since thereâs a confounding number of movie trailers with apes in them this week, each trailer shall get scored by their super-duper official âApe Rating,â which denotes how many primates shall be seen (or referenced!) in said trailer.
Deadpool & Wolverine - Official ape rating of⌠one. Except heâs not really an ape, Deadpool just calls him (Wolverine) one. But that still counts.
TwisterSSSSSSSS - Official ape rating of⌠zero*. An asterisk because who knows if these windy mofos meetup with any zoos. Note: I may have added the capitalization and extra Sâs. But with good reason.
Wicked - Official ape rating of⌠one (kinda). Sure, monkeys arenât apes exactly, but for the purposes of this âgame,â weâre gonna say they are.
Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes - Official ape rating of⌠a bajillion? Probably less, but def more than five. I mean itâs literally in the title.
Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire - Official ape rating of⌠one, that really counts, but a bunch of evil ones too. I donât imagine Kong will be the only ape left standing at the end, but pretty sure thereâs gonna be lots of dead ones.
Damsel - An ape rating of⌠zero. No apes appear to be in this movie. But it does have a massive fire breathing dragon, so thatâs cool I guess.
or did we đ
Players and Upgraded mark the true Return of the Romcom imho. Both good films!