Who wins the fight, 🐢's with ⚔️ or a gigundo 🦈?

Trick question! Barbenheimer still kicks both their booties. But you can best believe I'm still gonna tell you about the new fighters.

Aug 03, 2023

Remember when the writers first started their strike and I said it wasn’t something you’d feel or be impacted by, unless you were a late-night talk show watcher?

Uh, that’s changed.

Beyond the Emmy’s being postponed (see below), you’re now seeing big notable movies be shifted. Sony has changed their entire schedule, pushing back two big movies from this year to next (Kraven the Hunter and the Ghostbusters reboot sequel) and most 😭 worthy is the now undetermined date they’ll release the last in the Spider-Verse trilogy (originally meant to come out in March of next year).

Other studios haven’t made moves yet, but it seems likely unless something big changes soon (see: Dune: Part Two, also very 😭 worthy)

And what shit timing. People have been absolutely stooooked about Barbie and Oppenheimer. Hell, I had a friend tell me today she saw Oppenheimer and even if she thought the movie was a bit… complex for her tastes, she really enjoyed being at the theater, in the theater, with people. She felt that vibe. And this is someone who said just weeks ago that they didn’t have much interest in going to movies, when they had been a frequent moviegoer for most of their life pre ”the bullshit.”

So basically the existential momentum that’s kind of floating around post Barbenheimer could ghost the movie industry like every Tinder date you actually enjoyed1.

And this isn’t me telling anybody what they should or shouldn’t do. Again, I don’t have enough knowledge or stake to have an opinion on how things should proceed, but I can say that it is a bummer from an audience perspective. Hell, I just finished the first season of Severance (I know, I’m late, but it was great) and while it’s obviously not a movie I’m still gonna have to wait the perfect amount of years such that when the second season comes out I go, wait, what the hell happened again? *hits pause* *directs phone to wikipedia page for 10 minutes of refresh*

And that can make some just say “fuck it” and not even bother. And if that means people don’t bother going back to the movies too, well yeah, that’s def gonna be the suck. I honestly hope the people involved - and it is people, no company exists without humans and no union forms without members - come to a solid agreement where people get paid, companies make money and people get really great stuff too watch.

Maybe if they all just decided to sit down and have a big ol’ movie night everything could be hashed out more smoothly.

Because after all, movies bring people together, right?

NEWSY BITS 👾

AMC Theaters Drops Variable Pricing Plan That Charged More for Better Seats [well that was fast. They’re saying it’s to “stay competitive” on pricing. More interesting note is that they’re going to turn their front row seats into “Large, comfortable lounge style seating areas” which “will allow guests to lay all the way back and relax.“] - The Hollywood Reporter

Hollywood Studios Signal New Strategy by Talking With Writers [first potential meeting since the strike began months ago. Actors discussions are still tbd] - The New York Times

The 75th Emmy Awards show has been postponed [it’s not the Oscars, but they could be next depending on what happens over the next few weeks / months] - NPR

EXTRA CREDIT MOVIE(S) 📝

Corner Office - looks like a combo of Office Space and a Charlie Kaufman movie (e.g. Being John Malkovich) where Jon Hamm, and only Jon Hamm, can see a separate office room at work. Seems like an intriguing premise, but apparently the few reviews out there say it’s def not worth taking PTO to give it a watch, or maybe even any time off. But hey, I DON’T CONTROL YOU. So ya know, do what you want. Playing in Limited Theaters / Streaming This Friday

Shortcomings - Randall Park, the dude from basically everything at this point (but you know him from Fresh Off the Boat, Marvel stuff) directs his first movie, a romantic-ish comedy about a guy trying to figure it all out, but along the way gets into themes of race and culture that should it make it more interesting than most in the genre. Reviews seem to bear this out, with a lot of praise for Park’s first attempt creating a story, vs just playing a character in one. Playing in Limited Theaters This Friday

Dreamin’ Wild - you might’ve heard a “new” song over the last few years that sounded like it was from the late 70’s. And that’s because it was. Dreamin’ Wild tells the (true) story of a band, made up of two brothers, whose record never made it, but was rediscovered and took on a second life - and gave its authors a bit of one too. The reviews released so far are into Wild, saying Casey Affleck is very good as usual and the somewhat sorrowful, but also sweet story does what it wants quite well. Playing in Limited Theaters This Friday

Passages - a sort of alt looking sexy romantic drama about a couple, two men, one of whom starts dating a woman and it throws their relationship into a bit of chaos. The kind of intensely human centered story that not a ton of people will see, but gets excellent reviews from critics. If you’re feelin’ artsy.

**Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem**

The Obvious: it’s… The Turtles. 🐢 I don’t really have to specify which slow moving reptilian creatures to which I’m referring, because not unlike when someone says “The Beatles,” you don’t quizzically wonder, are they referring to those chunky bugs in my backyard or….? You just know. And yeah, this is most clearly a reboot after Paramount let Michael Bay spray his Bayness all over the franchise (editor’s note: ew) in 2014 and the subsequent sequel in 2016. And thank fucking our-one-and-only-god Pee Wee Herman (RIP) they did because those movies were… *deep breath* let’s just say they were not my favorite. Audiences either as the first one made some decent money, but the next, not so much.

The Less Obvious: it’s a reboot, but the kind of reboot one often hopes for. And I mean that not because the reviews are great - although they are quite good - but because of the who and why. The who is Seth Rogen and his producing / writing partner Evan Goldberg, two 40 year old dudes who came up on everything TMNT and clearly seem to adore them. Which makes the why feel so much more genuine. Cuz when they say instead of a property to mine2 they see it as a chance to reinvigorate a franchise and characters they love in order to tell an actual story - i.e. one with purpose beyond “stop bad guy!” and sell merch - well, you kinda believe ‘em!

At least it all feels this way. But it feels that way not only in the way they talk about the project, but also because of their level of involvement / investment. They’re not just “producers” in name sake to get a check, they helped write it, Rogen voice-acts in it (he’s Bebop, natch), they’re in all the promos and they brought in a ton of their comedy friends to portray the melange of mutants, see: Rose Byrne, Paul Rudd, Maya Rudolph, Hannibal Buress as well as John Cena, Post Malone and even Ice Cube as the big bad Superfly, who is, of course, an elephant. Jk he’s a nasty lookin’ shit eater. 🪰 But like, in a cool way. And not sure if they’re pals with Jackie Chan, but they did get him to voice Splinter, so that’s pretty rad.

The other non-obvious thing is that, even though they are clearly called the TEENAGE Mutant Ninja Turtles, in previous iterations they’ve always curiously been portrayed by non-teenagers. 🤔 So Rogen and crew cast actual teenagers, and you can tell. Their voices sound like teens, which does fit with the overall vibe, from the animation style (sorta messy, as if scribbled - makes sense since it’s the same director as The Mitchells vs. The Machines, Jeff Rowe who also co-wrote, and that movie had a similar visual aesthetic) to the story about just wanting to fit in.

So while the movie coming out is not unexpected in this “The Age of the Re-3” your enjoyment of it may be.

Fun Fact: the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles aracde game was once responsible for a quarter shortage in the mid-90’s in the United States because kids were pumping so many into the machine trying to kick Shredder’s ass*.

*This is a total fabrication, but as a kid who slung a crapload of my allowance into that thing, it certainly feels true.

THE TRAILER

Out: TODAY

Where: Theaters

1 hr 39 mins | PG | 🍅: 94%

I’ll give you the biggest virtual hug if you share this with one other person. The BIGGEST. 🤗

The Obvious: Jason Statham fights more big-ass sharks. Seriously, have you seen the butts on those fish? Huuuuuuuuuge. But uh, don’t tell ‘em I said anything tho… I like my limbs.

The Less Obvious: you might think with a movie like this they just toss a sack of potatoes in the (oddly super uncomfortable) director’s chair, let Statham mug for the camera and fix the rest in post. And yet… Warner Bros. hired a guy who is known for making very well liked, but sometimes challenging indie movies to basically make a Godzilla movie with sharks - also known as a kaju movie (a genre of monster movies that originated in Japan). See, Meg 2 director Ben Wheatley has been making movies for quite some time, but they don’t have what one would call “broad appeal.” So why have this be the one he goes mainstream for? I honestly have no clue. One could be cynical and say it’s for the money, and maybe a bit, but I honestly believe it’s very possible he just thought it’d be fun to make a movie where giant sea creatures kill people (and he did say as much). I mean, Iiiiii certaintly wouldn’t say no, but then again a sack of potatoes would probably direct better than me, so yeah.

I’d love to tell you Wheatley’s indie sensibilities has turned the now franchise into a sly and interesting take on the big dumb action movie, but reviews are being withheld so no can do. But we all know the vast majority of people are really going just to see Statham punch a shark right in the dick4 - METAPHORICALLY people, jeeeeez - and I’m sure that’s exactly what they’ll get. Metaphorically.

Fun Facts: since I had such fun last week doing a bit of “edumacating” with my Talk to Me overview, I’d like to inform you of some actually true facts about the shark featured in the movie. See the animal featured in the Meg 2 is based on a real creature, the Megalodon.

And while they were big, 60 - 65 ft on the large end, they were basically teeny wittle babies when compared to the BOSS that is a blue whale - and largest animal to ever animal on this earf (maybe?). See pix.

But I’m pretty sure I’d still rather encounter a Blue Whale in the water after reading this Wikipedia excerpt on megalodons…

Their teeth were thick and robust, built for grabbing prey and breaking bone, and their large jaws could exert a bite force of up to 108,500 to 182,200 newtons (24,390 to 40,960 lbf).

Unlike the great white, which attacks prey from the soft underside, megalodon probably used its strong jaws to break through the chest cavity and puncture the heart and lungs of its prey.

Ok, that’s it. Have fun at the beach this weekeeeeeend. 😘

THE TRAILER

Out: Friday

Where: Theaters

1 hr 56 mins | PG-13 | 🍅: TBD