This is the Michael Jordan of newsletters.
So what if it's the 61 year old version.
THE QUOTE 🎬 💬
“We all dance by ourselves.
That's why we only play electronic music.”
hint: it’s named after a crustacean
THINK THOUGHTS 💭
Think back to the best day of any of your romantic relationships (weddings and child births withstanding). Go one. Ponder.
Got it?
Cool. Now compare it to the Sunday couple Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively just had where they celebrated their movies making $54 million and $50 million respectively, which means they came in #1 and #2 at the Box Office - the first Hollywood wife and husband to do so since 1990 (Demi Moore and Bruce Willis). If they didn’t have four kids you could picture them throwing the Hollywood rager people think celebrities have on the regs, the kind laden with a pool sized pile of cocaine. Then again, Reynolds is Deadpool so maybe he just tosses them right in and says “go on, learn how to swim buckaroos!”
I’m not making the comparison to make you feel bad, just to consider how abnormal of a feeling that must be. And for your hard work to be recognized so publicly as well. If you placed the vast majority of us in that scenario with our quotidienne vocations it’d just be CNN writing spicy headlines like, “Wife and husband duo Jennifer and Tom Abott battle it out for sexiest Excel template of 2024.”
Think about walking into Home Depot on a Saturday afternoon after that shit. The looks and stares? Oooh weeee. You can start to understand why celebrities wear baseball caps.
It’s just another example of the oddities of being a real life human person and working in Hollywood. And congrats to them. I’ve obviously proven myself to be a Ryan Reynolds fan (not gonna lie, also had a crush on Blake after Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants - which is a great movie btw!), but whatever, it’s fun. Plus, it’s a good story. And we can always use more of that in Hollywood.
NEWSY BITS 👾
Paramount Lays Off 15 Percent of U.S. Employees - which equates to roughly 3,000 employees. 🙁 This was the seemingly inevitable pain I alluded to in previous editions, when their Office of the CEO trio was saying… not much. This includes the shut down of Paramount TV (which was still fairly young since it only started in 2013 by my first boss at Paramount in 2013). This comes as Paramount also announced its streaming division made a profit for the first time ever, juuust as they’re merging with Skydance, who it’s rumored may try and merge the service with another. - IndieWire
Tyler Perry’s ‘Divorce in the Black’ Drives More U.S. Prime Video Subscriptions Than Any Other Amazon MGM Movie, Studio Says - noteworthy considering the movie has a 0% critics rating on Rotten Tomatoes (yet a 74% audience score). It’s very much a “plant” story by Amazon - i.e. they pitched it to Variety - which means they care enough to plant it. Why? Sure, studio execs want to control the narrative, but the more likely scenario is that they’re showing support for Perry, who is clearly an important relationship. Oooh Hollywood. - Variety
EXTRA CREDIT MOVIE(S) 📝
Jackpot! - Awkwafina and John Cena directed by Paul Feig (Bridesmaids, Heat, Spy and Ghostbusters 2016) in a high-concept comedy where in future-set Los Angeles, lottery winners can be killed for the cash (but not w/ guns? k.). You’d think, or at least hope, it’d be getting some decent love with that talent. Alas, reviews say while the stars are game and fun per usual, the concept ends up low on interesting stuff to laugh at. Streaming on Amazon Prime Thursday
My Penguin Friend - a late night news “good news” segment turned into a feature film. I mean, I get it, the true story of a waddling flightless seabird befriending the man (played here by Jean Reno) who helped save him after an oil spill is a sweet little story. Most of the (limited) reviews say it’s exactly that. If some wrote it was a bit cloying. Playing in Limited Theaters Friday
The Union - biggest piece of wish fulfillment for a suburban dad… ever? You look like Mark Wahlberg and Halley Berry is your high school sweetheart who recruits you to join her in “spy stuff.” My guess is while it’s a fun fantasy, it doesn’t really make for a “good” movie. Though since it’s a Netflix joint, no reviews to confirm or deny. Streaming on Netflix Friday
NOTABLE NEW RELEASE(S) 🎟 & 📺
Alien Romulus
If you were a professional basketball player and someone asked if you wanted Michael Jordan on your team, the answer would be an easy QW@#$#$FSAEFEQWRSD!!!!!!! and after that indecipherable blathering, a simple and slowly uttered, “fuck. yes.”
Does it matter he’s 61 and looks as if he hasn’t done anything athletic in years? I mean, yeah, of course it does. But he’s still Michael “Six Rings” Jordan, so you’re gonna say yes regardless, just to say you got the chance to play with the tongue-waggin’, trash-talkin’ master.
This is kind of how I view directors hopping in to resurrect1 dormant franchises. They can’t resist the chance to “play” with the properties they grew up idolizing. Because even if the Alien franchise has been yanked around creatively more than Jim Carrey’s facial muscles, it still has a vaunted legacy cemented by Ridley Scott and James Cameron’s first two movies, which are both mega-classics.
So it makes sense then that Alien Romulus helmer Fede Alvarez might want his shot at creating something as lasting. He went so far as to place his entry neatly in the middle of Scott’s Alien and Cameron’s Aliens timeline-wise. Maybe hoping each would rub off a little?
The thing about playing with older legends is that while you can replay their sick highlights over and over again on YouTube, they’re not going to be making many current ones, its your job to bring that new new.
In the case of Alvarez, one of his signatures is gore, shown in his other revival effort, 2013’s Evil Dead not-a-remake remake.
The reviews say that while it’s not the only thing he’s bringing, much of what else is here borrows fairly heavily from the entries it’s smooshed between - with the original probably the best 1 to 1 comparison. In large part because the inevitable massacre is confined to a single ship. Its origins better left unexplained.
Cailee Spaeny and David Jonsson are getting the most love as they play “siblings” Rain and Andy, respectively, who essentially act as versions of previous Alien characters - Spaeny the Ripley-esque lead and Jonsson the requisite android, one of which has been in every Alien movie to date. Quotes around siblings, because obviously Andy’s blood is of that milky variety, but he was still programmed by Rain’s father to protect her (foreshadowing much?) so they share a close bond. But their connection is what reviewers say drives the film and creates the most interesting human elements.
And even if there’s a sense of “this is eerily familiar” coming from critics’, it’s apparently done in such a way (editor’s note: with a lot of practical effects mind you) that by and large most of them are quite pleased with the results, just happy to have an Alien movie that doesn’t make you want to burn your eyes out with Xenomorph blood.
It should be noted Alvarez worked closely with Ridley Scott, even getting notes from the famed director. Though fwiw even Scott wasn’t able to fully reignite the series, with 2017’s Alien Covenant, which he directed, almost ending it. But like any good un-killable villain, or infinity mineable IP 👀, it was bound to come back. Although we almost didn’t have the chance to pee ourselves surrounded by strangers.
“The eighth film in the Alien franchise was originally slated to be a Hulu release à la Dan Trachtenberg’s critically acclaimed Predator prequel, Prey (2022), but the studio wisely shifted to theatrical at the start of principal photography: “Right when we started shooting it, the studio was like, ‘Fuck it, we’re going into theaters with this,’” Álvarez shares.”
Which I think is better. It’s more fun to be able to look around at each other with knowing glances when the greatest hits are referenced. Whether it’s a simple “heh” head-nod or a “oh come on…” Although personally I’m holding out for a big “nuh-uhhhhhh” jaw dropper.
Out: Friday
Where: Theaters
Details: 1 hr 59 mins | R | 🍅: 83%
Skincare
Paranoia.
Crumbling capitalist dreams.
Rival skin-care / beauty shops.
Faked Craigslist ads soliciting salacious sex acts.
Sure sounds like the beats of a Lifetime movie to me, because that network loves to keep a tighter stranglehold on these types of titillating real-life stories than their movies’ killers do their victims’ necks (too much? 😅).
But not unlike the main character of Skincare, portrayed by Elizabeth Banks, this movie has clawed it’s way to broader relevancy against the odds, and gotten not only a solid lead in Banks, but a legit theatrical release. No pittance in the movie-world these days.
Although not sure that fact has been well received by the (in?)famous aesthetician who, as the clickbaity titled stories are sure to tell you, used to work on the beautiful faces of the likes of Jennifer Aniston and Nicki Minaj before she…
I should stop there. Even if it’s public knowledge you could google in two seconds, it’s better if I leave some mystery. Because while this story is only based on that real one, it’s still going to give too much away to read back issues of US Weekly.
I guess part of the sick, twisted… fun? is watching everything ratchet up in tension until some humanistic explosion. Murder? Mental breakdown? Both?
Just remember as you’re watching not to cringe-squint too much as you watch these characters make decisions they’ll aaabso-fucking-lutely regret.
Crows feet and all that.
🐦⬛🦶🦶💋
Out: Friday
Where: Theaters
Details: 1 hr 34 mins | R | 🍅: 74%
THE WEEKLY TRAILER PLAYLIST ⏯
The Monkey - distributor NEON bein’ smart (again) in their marketing and capitalizing on the Longlegs love by dropping a teaser for Osgood Perkins’ next movie (note: Perkins directed Longegs).
Snow White - the “live action” mining, onslaught, deluge, assault? from Disney continues.
Wolfs - the George Clooney, Brad Pitt fixer comedy gets a new trailer, but mostly to announce it’s now only getting a one-week limited release after it was initially slated to get a wide launch (potentially thanks to Argylle and Fly Me to the Moon performing poorly?). It is getting a sequel though!
Saturday Night - Directed by Jason Reitman, it’s a dramatization of the 90 minutes leading up to the first SNL episode in 1975. Kinda feels like a Saturday Night Live version of the 2015 Steve Jobs movie where the movie follows happenings in real-time.
Moana 2 - one of the best (and one of my favorite) recent (non-Pixar) Disney movies gets a sequel. PS looks like Moana been liftin’ those weights 💪🏽
Mufasa: The Lion King - a prequel to The Lion King which focuses on Mufasa and Scar, aka Taka??, which “reveals” that Simba’s dad was actually an orphan and the brothers were super tight. No Disney villain is safe from the “no, they were actually super cool back in the day” reconsideration. The photorealistic animated endeavor was directed by Barry Jenkins who made best picture winner Moonlight, so that may engender some confidence.
Kraven - Sony’s R-rated superhero movie set in the Spider-Man-less-Spider-Verse (i.e. the Venom and Madame Web movies) that was delayed due to the writers strike is still alive! But Kraven’s enemies won’t be for long…